"Linda has produced an amusing story,

      a screwball mystery of sorts..."

      -The Record

      My Thanks to

      MIKE

      My wonderful husband who supports me

      and believes in me. I love you.

      JACOB

      My terrific son who always helps me out.

      I couldn’t have asked for a better kid. I love you.

      MY FAMILY AND MOM AND DAD BLUM

      I appreciate your support.

      ROBBIE

      For sharing your bingo experiences with me

      and for always making me laugh.

      EVANGELINE

      For editing my book.

      Chapter 1

      “Get your hand off my boobs!” Hope exclaimed.

      Judy heard her friend’s shriek and came running over to see what was going on. When she got there she noticed Hope standing beside the fruit tray with her uncle, who had his hand on her chest.

      “Uncle Leo what are you doing?” Judy asked horrified.

      “I’m so sorry,” Leo apologized. “I was going for the melon tray...” He let the sentence hang.

      “Well these are not melons,” Hope said removing his hand.

      “No, they sure don’t feel like it. They’re softer more supple,” Leo said wistfully.

      “Uncle Leo!” Judy scolded.

      “I’m sorry, I can’t see very well,” he said then took off.

      Her uncle's eyesight had been failing due to the onset of cataracts and at times he used this as an excuse for his unruly ways.

      Judy turned her attention to her friend. “Are you all right?”

      “I guess,” Hope said in an uptight voice.

      “I’m sorry about my uncle,”

      Judy said. “Next time slap him hard.”

      “There better not be a next time,” Hope warned.

      “I wouldn’t count on that,” Judy said dryly.

      Just as the words came out of her mouth, the sound of a shriek resonated through the room. When Hope and Judy looked over, they saw Uncle Leo with his hand on some woman’s ass.

      “See I told you,” Judy moaned.

      “What’s with that man?”

      “I don’t know.”

      Hope was surprised to find Judy’s uncle at her family Christmas party. It appeared that Uncle Leo was dating Hope’s aunt Myrna. The two were an odd pair considering Leo was a fun loving, blind as a bat, horny guy and Myrna was a miserable, negative person.

      Looking around the room Hope shuddered. Most of her relatives were miserable, negative lots that made people’s lives a living hell. The strange thing about them was they seemed to marry nice people. It always baffled her why good people would want to marry and procreate with them. What made matters worse was these desolate people outlived their significant others, which brought to mind the saying, only the good die young. She knew what that was like because her father died young while her miserable mother kept going.

      “Hope, what are you wearing?”

      Speaking of her mother.

      “A dress, what does it look like?” Hope said sarcastically.

      “Whatever it is, you look like a slut.

      Hope had noticed this little black satin dress in the window at Fran’s Fashion and thought it would be perfect for her family Christmas party. She should have known her mother would not like it.

      “Like I care what you think,” Hope shot back.

      “Well you should. You look like a prostitute.”

      “Maybe that’s the look I want. After all, prostitutes make good money and have fun while doing it,” Hope said mockingly.

      Her mother glared at her before storming away.

      “That went well,” Judy commented.

      “Remember how I told you if I turn out like any of these bastards that you can shoot me?” Hope commented.

      “Yeah.” “You don’t happen to have that gun handy, do you?”

      “Sorry, it’s against the law to carry.”

      “Too bad, I could have taken pot shots at my mother.” Judy laughed.

      “Aren’t you glad you came?” Hope asked as she sipped on her drink.

      “Your family functions are about as much fun as mine.”

      “I wouldn’t call this a function. It’s more like a torture chamber,” Hope muttered.

      “Are you wearing the hematite necklace I gave you?” Judy asked.

      Hope pulled it out from under the top of her dress. “Right here.”

      “Is it helping?” Judy asked.

      Hope shrugged. “I didn’t slug my mother just now, so I guess it is.”

      Judy laughed. She had heard hematite was good for transforming negative energy and protecting whoever wears it from negative influences.

      “I’m starting to wonder if I should have given you an outfit made of the stuff instead of that puny necklace,” Judy commented dryly.

      “That might have worked better with this crowd,” Hope sighed.

      Judy heard the strain in her friend’s voice and knew she was feeling the effects of being around her family. It was hard not to be brought down by this negative bunch. “How about I get you a drink?” Judy said noticing her friend’s drink was gone.

      “Make it a double,” Hope replied.

      After Judy left, the conversation Hope had with her mother replayed in her head. he could still feel the sting of her words and tried not to let them bother her. At times like this she wished her father were still alive. He had a way of keeping