Bad to the Bone:. Bo Hoefinger
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BAD TO THE BONE
“A real treat. Bo is so distinctively adorable and funny, that no other dog will be able to follow in his pawsteps.”
—Tracie Hotchner, author of The Dog Bible and host of Dog Talk (NPR affiliate WLIU-FM 88.3 radio show)
“You’ll laugh, you’ll howl, you’ll practically wag with pleasure…Bo is truly the voice of his doggy generation.”
—Dr. Marty Becker, resident veterinarian on ABC’s Good Morning America, host of The Pet Doctor with Marty Becker on PBS, author of 17 pet books, nationally syndicated columnist, and co-creator of petconnection.com
“A well-written and fun read…Bo takes you inside his family and you feel as if you’re right there experiencing all the joys and pains with them. You’ll want to hug your own dog after reading this book!”
—Suzanne Jalot, editor-in-chief of DOGliving magazine
“Bo’s rebel adventures in naps and squirrels will stir the heart and stoke human understanding of how dogs must think. His ‘voice’ is utterly original, sharp, and kind.”
—Monica Collins, “Ask Dog Lady” columnist, www.askdoglady.com
“Witty commentary and hilarious observations.”
—DOGliving magazine
BAD TO THE BONE
BO HOEFINGER
CITADEL PRESS
Kensington Publishing Corp.
This book is dedicated to all the shelter workers,
rescue groups and animal welfare proponents
who make this world better, one animal
at a time. You are unsung heroes and a
true inspiration.
You restore my faith in humanity every day.
CONTENTS
Preface
Introduction
Part One: In the Beginning
Chapter 1: Of All the Gin Joints in All the World…
Chapter 2: Homecoming
Chapter 3: Nobody’s Perfekt
Chapter 4: Twisted Sister
Chapter 5: Raising Arizona
Chapter 6: The Hand That Rocked the Cradle
Chapter 7: This Old House
Chapter 8: The Shot Heard Round the World
Chapter 9: Mini or Maxi
Chapter 10: Office Space
Chapter 11: Ehh, What’s Up, Dog?
Chapter 12: Vacation House
Chapter 13: Walk Hard
Chapter 14: Air Supply
Part Two: Georgia on My Mind
Chapter 15: We’re Movin’ On Up
Chapter 16: Enema of the State
Chapter 17: Madge of Honor
Chapter 18: Woody and the Gun
Chapter 19: The Preacher, the Chipmunk, and Me
Chapter 20: Precious Metal
Chapter 21: The Hostess with the Mostess
Chapter 22: Ain’t Gonna Be No Rematch
Chapter 23: Creature Feature
Chapter 24: Just Say No
Chapter 25: The Butcher of Burnham Way
Chapter 26: Treasure Island
Chapter 27: Unintended Consequences
Chapter 28: To Serve and to Protect
Chapter 29: Money Matters
Chapter 30: Deliverance
Part Three: This End Up
Chapter 31: Eat. Spit. Be Happy.
Chapter 32: The Old Shoe
Epilogue
Part Four: Bonus Material
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Preface
Let’s get this clear right away: I’m a dog. I’m one-foot-ten and weigh sixty-three pounds, and although I’m a mutt on the outside, I’m a purebred on the inside. My good nature comes from the golden retriever side of the family, while my stubbornness is clearly from my chowchow bloodlines. I’ve got Rastafarian ears, a black tongue for licking, and paws that should be on a dog twice my size.
I type sixty words a minute.
My name is Bo.
I’m a senior dog. In fact, I’m in what God calls “bonus time.” As any experienced dog will tell you, the desire to leave our urine stain on the proverbial fire hydrant of life grows stronger the longer the bond between you and owner exists. For me, the yearning is strong (sometimes as much as eleven times a day).
Some dogs memorialize themselves by using their teeth to carve their stories into the family furniture. Others prefer barking out an oral history. But I’ve always been a writer.
I usually do it in the snow, but for longevity sake, I’ve put paw to paper this time.
The unauthorized biography you hold in your paws was written without the express written consent of the two humans involved in these adventures. Seeing as owners never seem to ask their canines for permission when writing about them I extend the same discourtesy, at least until someone leaves seven pounds of unmarked ground beef at a designated drop-off of my choosing.
I want to assure you, this book provides you with the unique opportunity to share episodes in my life as they unfolded, through the eyes of man’s best friend. What you’re getting is 100 percent genuine Mr. Bo Hoefinger and family. The characters in this book, the stories, and the thoughts are all real. The names may have been changed to protect the innocent.
So take pleasure in the world as I have seen it, experienced it, and lived it.
I welcome you to my mind and my story…
Introduction
On a snowy Christmas Eve, less than ten days after I was rescued from an upstate N.Y. prison, I sat in front of a crackling fire surrounded by the two doting humans who had saved me. The male human began to tell a story, specifically the tale of why I was adopted. I listened intently, for surely there was wisdom behind his words.
“A long time ago, in the little town of Albany, lived a young woman. That woman, Bo, was your mother. She did her community work, was kind to others, and was always looking for a job. As you know, it took many years for her to find love, but she finally got her man and married him just eight months ago. That great man was me.”
I saw him flash an adoring look at the woman in the room. I guess he hadn’t yet realized he’d already bought the cow. Making goo-goo eyes at her wasn’t going to get