Chapter Eight

      JAIVEN RODRIGUEZ’S EXPRESSION looked remarkably like remorse. Guilt, even, which Louise Jensen hadn’t been expecting. Although in all honesty she hadn’t known what to expect from Jaiven. He’d surprised her in so many ways, good and definitely bad. Now his face was serious, without even the hint of a smile, and all she could do was stare.

      He spoke first. “I’d like to talk to you.”

      She swallowed drily. “I don’t have anything to say to you, Jaiven.”

      “I’d like to explain—”

      “Explain?” she repeated disbelievingly, and regret flashed across Jaiven’s face.

      “Apologize,” he amended quietly, and Louise felt the first crack in her armor. No, she would not cave. She wouldn’t accept his so-called apology.

      “No.” She shook her head, slung her bag over her shoulder. “I don’t want to hear anything from you, Jaiven. Not even an apology.”

      “Please, Louise.”

      He’d said please before, and she’d crumbled, let him back into her home and her body, all under the guise of thinking she was actually being strong. As if. But she’d be strong now. She’d try. “How did you even get in here?” she demanded. “The academic buildings are all locked.”

      He shrugged. “Someone held the door.”

      “Just like you got into my building.” She shook her head, fumbling with the buckles on her bag. “This is why campuses aren’t safe for women,” she snapped. “Men like you can rely on your questionable charm to get in and force a confrontation.”

      He flinched, but then composed himself, his expression ironing out. “The other night I actually wasn’t trying to force a confrontation.”

      “Oh, really?” She gave him as scathing a look as she could muster. “Well, it sure as hell felt that way to me.”

      And yet she’d been the one to return his kiss. To let him into her apartment. Into her bed. She’d allowed her own humiliation, and while she blamed him for instigating it, she also blamed herself. Classic victim behavior, and yet she didn’t even know if she could call herself a victim this time. She’d been trying to prove something, after all. She’d been using him, just as he’d been using her.

      She’d just been the one to get hurt.

      “Will you talk to me? Listen to me, at least?” he asked in a low voice.

      She met his gaze directly. “If I do, will you leave me alone?”

      “Yes.”

      She believed him. She also felt a twist of disappointment because she still missed him, despite what he’d done. She missed what he’d made her feel, before it had all gone so wrong. The knowledge made her feel even worse.

      “Fine,” she said. “What do you want to say?”

      “Can we go somewhere? Grab a coffee?”

      She shrugged her assent. She just felt tired now, tired and dispirited. Wordlessly she left the hall, and Jaiven followed her. She took him to a coffee shop near Columbia’s campus, an old-fashioned place with scarred tables and vinyl chairs, the coffee served thick and steaming in plain ceramic mugs.

      “So.” She dumped a spoonful of sugar in hers even though she’d cut out sugar in coffee years ago. She needed the hit now. “What do you want to say to me?”

      “I’m sorry.”

      She looked up, her anger and hurt like a lump of lead inside her, heavy and toxic. “For what exactly, Jaiven?”

      Color slashed his cheekbones, surprising her. Jaiven Rodriguez could actually blush. “For—for the other night,” he clarified in a low voice. She didn’t answer, and he stared down at his coffee for a moment, his expression shadowed. Then he looked up, resolute. “I treated you badly, Louise, really badly, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—shouldn’t have been so angry. Shouldn’t have made you admit—” He let out a low breath. “All of it.” The color on his cheeks deepened and Louise knew she should feel something. Gratified or vindicated, at least justified. Instead she just felt empty, and still so very tired.

      “You might have pushed but I let you. I wanted you. You knew that without me even having to say it.” Bitterness spiked her words and she looked away.

      “I know, and I used it to my advantage.” Jaiven turned his coffee mug around and around between his big hands. “I’ve never treated a woman that way before.”

      Somehow this stung. She turned back to him with a humorless smile. “So you reserved that special honor for me?”

      “I’ve never been so angry about a woman before.” His mouth quirked in a bleak smile that held no humor at all.

      “So why were you so angry, Jaiven?” And suddenly her emptiness was filled; her tiredness swept aside as tears stung her eyes. She blinked rapidly. “Why did you want to…humiliate me?” Her throat thickened and she blinked again.

      “I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking clearly. That’s not an excuse, it’s not meant to be an excuse, but I didn’t come to your place intending…” He closed his eyes. “I know you won’t believe this, but I came over to tell you something else.”

      “Something else?”

      “That