“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”—Henri J. M. Nouwen (Meditations)

      We love stories with a happy ending. How do we find resolution when a love story turns bitterly wrong? Where is our joy when heartfelt prayers for healing come with a resounding “no”? I know we’re in the middle of God’s love story, and he promises to hear all our prayers. But in our darkest hour when we feel that God has turned his face away, we feel abandoned and rejected. After all, the Bible says, “Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!” (John 14:14 NLT).

      God answers prayers in mysterious ways. We love miraculous stories of a tumour that vanished, a woman who had struggled with infertility finally giving birth, or breast cancer that didn’t return. These are the tales that become legends. But stories of unanswered prayer—not so much. And yet we need to share the stories of these unanswered prayers so we don’t feel so alone and abandoned by God.

      I do love prayer. I have been a prayer advocate and warrior for over 30 years, especially after the death of my first husband, Dick. I fully believe that God is “a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows” (Ps. 68:5), and he does hear our prayers.

      During my first widowhood years, God felt very near and was a tangible presence in my daily routine. I prayed for the simplest and hardest decisions: “God, where is the irrigation shut-off?” “God, show me how to prune these bushes.” “God, help me to make decisions about my dad’s medical condition.” “God, when is the right time to sell my house?” At times it felt like God was right beside me, walking me through the haze and darkness of unchartered territory. God was close, intimate, and trustworthy.

      But God drove a nail into my heart when he didn’t answer my prayer for my beloved Jack’s healing. Within hours of Jack taking his last breath on the kitchen floor and then the paramedics reviving his heartbeat, news of this tragedy spread like a contagious virus. Across Canada, America, and Europe thousands of people prayed and believed for a complete recovery. Our family and friends believed for nothing less. He died five days later.

      More Questions Than Answers

      Throughout our marriage, Jack and I witnessed and celebrated many answers to prayers. We believed God for complete healing while going through Jack’s dismal prognosis of gall bladder cancer. I recall holding Jack’s hand while sitting in the surgeon’s office and hearing the surgeon say, “I have to remove Jack’s gall bladder and surrounding areas, including his liver. If Jack survives the surgery, he will have one to five years to live.” We were stunned with the reality of the news, but we pressed into our faith, believing and trusting God for more than five years.

      Throughout the days following that depressing conversation with the surgeon, I was thick in the midst of juggling my career as a controller for two automobile dealerships. Plus I was squeezing in endless hours sitting with Jack in hospital and doctors’ waiting rooms. Noticing my distress, my colleagues at the dealership were kind enough to send us an enormous arrangement of potted plants, which included a small palm tree.

      Throughout the months and years following Jack’s surgery, Jack and I watched our palm tree grow into a lush tall plant. God answered our prayers for complete healing, and a year later we rejoiced as Jack’s blood tests showed he was cancer free. Today my palm tree still sits in my dining room, and its luscious leaves are a daily reminder of how we rejoiced over answered prayer.

      So why would God answer prayers for healing Jack’s cancer and then take him home to heaven through a heart attack? Jack and I were savouring the richest time in our marriage with our children, ministry, and recreation and were honouring God by putting him first in every aspect of our lives. Why would my second husband, as did my first, drop from a heart attack and leave