Daddy. Tuhin Sinha
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ways to avoid pregnancy. And then in your late 30s and beyond you desperately find ways to get pregnant,” he told me. He recalls how a colleague once ran out of a crucial meeting because his wife had “begun to ovulate”. Asad became a dad at 44.
Roopak Saluja, media entrepreneur and angel investor, became a father at 34. His wife, actress Tara Sharma, hosted a television show on parenting called The Tara Sharma Show on Colors and now on Star World that Roopak co-produced. “Both Tara and I were passionate about the idea of having kids to the point that we’d planned things to quite a degree even before we were married. “A month before our first anniversary, Tara was pregnant,” he says. The couple have two sons, Zen and Kai.
Rajeev Shukre (name changed), a senior executive in a telecom firm, adopted a three month old girl at 39. Today Rajeev says he never imagined he could love somebody as much as he loves his daughter. His wife Maya and he are still undecided on the perfect age to tell her about the adoption. “We’ve tried becoming friends with more parents who have adopted kids so that whenever she gets to know, she’d have a sort of support group of her own,” he says.
It was an incident in 2009 that propelled me towards fatherhood. Ramyani and I had been dating for a few years but weren’t sure of our future plans. I wasn’t commitment phobic but the alarming number of marriages crumbling around me had made me cynical about the institution. Even as the confusion persisted, I decided to have our horoscopes matched. I must clarify here that I don’t blindly follow astrology. Yet, if I find merit in some prediction, I wouldn’t dismiss it prematurely. I consulted a young astrologer for whom this was more a passion than profession. I was relieved to hear that our horoscopes were well-matched, but with it came some bad news as well. He predicted that Ramyani and I would have trouble conceiving. I might not be the biggest fan of astrology, but I’d be lying if I said this didn’t upset me. I sought a second opinion, only to hear those crushing words yet again.
I’ve noticed that when I’m pushed into a corner, I usually come out stronger and more determined. In keeping with that trait, I wanted to have a baby quickly to get the better of my astrological fate. Roughly a year into our marriage, we started trying. It took a year before we got the good news. Eight months later, Tanish came into our life. In hindsight, I had put undue pressure on Ramyani without realising I was being unfair to her. She believed that if something was destined for her, she’d get it against all odds. And being a mother was one of them.
At times I envy people who fall in love early and get married in their mid or late 20s. Such couples get a larger window to make the best out of their married lives before planning a baby. My brother Tanmay, a corporate lawyer with one of the world’s largest venture capital funds, got married when he was 27. Both he and his wife are the same age. “We wanted to spend the first few years slogging it out in our careers and travelling around the world. It was only after three-and-half years of marriage that we gave a serious thought to having a baby,” he says. Tanmay and his wife Lopa are expecting their first baby in December 2014.
If you settle down post 30, women are in constant fear of that fast-ticking fertility clock. That could leave them no choice but to have a child soon after marriage. That apart, nobody likes to be an old mom or dad. The other advantage of having your first child early is that it buys you more time to plan a second one. Given that both Ramyani and I were on the wrong side of 30 when we got married, we didn’t want to wait for too long before we started trying. My good friend Abhishek Srivastava, an associate professor at IIT Indore, got married at 35 and became a father before his first anniversary.
Before you decide to get into parenthood, it is becoming increasingly important to consider a few factors.
Start counting your pennies
Having a baby is expensive, so make sure your finances are in place before moving ahead. If you’re used to living on a double income, keep in mind that your wife is entitled to a paid maternity leave for only 3 months. After that you’re on your own. A freelancer friend panicked when his wife had to suddenly quit her job in her third month due to a medical complication. Burdened with mounting costs, he took on more work than he could handle. It came as no surprise when he messed up most of it. Ultimately, with just a month to go for the baby’s arrival he had to take up a full-time job.
Your expenses start going up way before the child is born. It helps to be aware of the additional costs incurred during pregnancy months. Doctor’s consultation, medical tests, ultrasounds, maternity wear, etc will cost you at least Rs 15,000 (there is no upper limit). At the time of delivery, a decent hospital in a metro city charges upwards of Rs 50,000 for a normal delivery and upwards of Rs 80,000 for a C-section (again, there is no upper limit). Immediately after the baby’s birth, you will be required to spend on formula milk, diapers, the paediatrician’s fees and immunization.
In recent years, medical insurance policies have begun to cover pregnancy expenses up to a specified limit, subject to terms and conditions. If you plan your pregnancy well in advance, you can avail of this. It also helps if you can get all pending loans and debts out of the way before the baby arrives.
Professional Considerations
Having a child impacts the mother’s career greatly, so it makes matters easier if she is professionally well-settled. If she’s been with the same company for long, she can demand perks like a work-from-home option, flexible hours and an extended maternity leave.
During the pregnancy months and even after the baby’s arrival, the distance from the mother’s workplace to home assumes crucial importance. We lucked out in this regard. Around the time we were trying to conceive, Ramyani found a job where her office was a mere 300 metres from home. This was a huge blessing. It not only afforded her the luxury of working till 10 days before her expected due date but also meant she could take a shorter maternity break.
Happy parents make happy babies
A couple should be emotionally in sync and have a deep understanding of each other’s temperaments before becoming parents. This is especially crucial if you’ve had an arranged marriage or a brief courtship period. In this case you might want to take more time to get to know each other before jumping into anything. For those in a troubled marriage, it’s best to hold off on baby plans till you sort out differences. You can’t raise a child if you’re not on the same page with your partner. I know of cases where couples have had kids to save the marriage. This is not a wise option. Chances are that it will backfire, and that too on the unsuspecting child.