1 The sex act

      I couldn’t wait to write this book, and I guess you couldn’t wait to get a copy of it, and read it in secrecy. And as I wrote it, I knew a dichotomy of some sort would manifest.The book would become a toast to the death of my good reputation as a preacher, and to the growth of my involvement in candid writing. In case they haven’t told you, this book is about learning how to shag someone until they experience inexplicable bliss. It’s about learning how to give your lover the best sexual experience ever. I think we have books that talk about prevention, safe sex—or sex as a taboo. Books that talk in terms of who we shouldn’t have sex with and what age we shouldn’t have sex and I thus have to excuse myself from speaking of sex from a ‘‘forbidden fruit’’ spectrum. I am a preacher, and a teacher of the word of God, and I have written many books about God and his word. But this time, I present to you a book that is a sexual manual of some sort. This book is what you will need to give your lover the kind of sex she or he has never had. In fact, if you read it well, and practice being a master at sex, your lover will be dying for the next experience. You won’t have to beg for it—no, not anymore. I think it is perplexing to you that a preacher of all the people should take on the work of a sex therapist by writing a ‘‘near porn’’ book. This is why I am going to ask you for one little favor (and that should be done before you delve immensely into this sex manual). I want you to ‘‘wear my shoes’’ and feel what I felt before I sat down convinced that we need a book on sex urgently. For many years, people came to me for advice on issues pertaining to sex.Many of them had endured frustrated sex lives that had grown into full-blown divorces and had ventured into sex with prostitutes. Others were having nightmares over previous molestations while others had learned to survive the agony of boring sex for the good of matrimonial fidelity. We have prayed for some and adviced some, but to my shock, the bulk of people I met with just didn’t know what it is to have sex that is not only pleasant in nature but also ‘‘tantric’’ and adventurous. Because of this, they kept searching for good sex from different people and thus were involved in what I term “serial monogamy”. And they never found it, let alone got satisfied by exploring everybody they met. The root of this people’s problems was not the absence of sex, it was the failure to enjoy it with the first person they fell in love with. What would you have done if you were me? Would you have relentlessly prayed for God to lead them to wondrous sex in some miraculous way? I had people ask me if God can increase their penises, and these very people who were in search of a bigger penis were not aware that they have failed to use the small one that God had given them. These people simply needed to be taught how to have proper sex instead of being given the telephone number of a consultant who can turn that penis into a donkey’s length or an anaconda between one’s legs.

      Then we have had cases where a pastor sexed the daylights out of a victim instead of playing his proper role of pastoring. Of recent, radio, television newspapers and social-media have been abuzz with a sexual scandal whereby a pastor is alleged to have sexed someone under the claim that this person would be healed through being sexed. Obviously, the pastor is wrong to claim ‘‘sexual healing’’ is at stake when in fact he is just manipulating the person for his own good. In my own view, the pastor is sexually dissatisfied and preys on his members. Despite the fact that he gets sex in such nefarious ways, he is a hungry man who needs to have fulfilling sex and that might just remove the sex pest syndrome in him.

      But that aside, sometimes shy women, who are tired of their sex lives due to the level in which they have become horrific instead of terrific, start wishing they had a sexual relationship with the pastor and can seduce him. We always are perplexed if not horrified when a pastor falls prey to a sex scandal, but hardly for a second wonder if the ‘‘victimized’’ is merely a horny individual who hasn’t had a decent shag for years and has allowed herself to become the pastor’s pancake only to turn around to play victim