Table of Contents

       Cover Page

       Title Page

Introduction

1 This year I’ll ride the snake like a soccer shaman

2 A pitch-perfect ending to a sadly familiar song

3 A pledge is not enough to make England shine

4 Dark lore of Dyer and the Hammers’ hex

5 Never mind Israel, I’ve been beaten by Bohemia

6 Repent, for the kingdom of Steve is at hand

7 Chelsea too small for these two randy stags

8 His Grace Arsène, the shaman of our football

9 Whatever next? Joe Cole on stilts?

Interview between Russell Brand and David Baddiel

       10 My cathode carnival with Sir Alex turning green

       11 Who’s to blame for my impotent rage?

       12 First rule for life in the lounge: no swearing

       13 East will always be east for lovers of freedom

       14 My view from afar of Fergie’s flirtatious feuding

       15 I need a new way to feed my England habit

       16 This crimson blot will take three years to fade

       17 José makes my day…in another dimension

       18 Barwick must atone for the sins of his fathers

       19 Capello’s trunks more titillating than his titles

       Interview between Russell Brand and James Corden

       20 Inner sanctums reveal soul of Hammers family

       21 Watching Arsenal, thinking of Sting and Trudie

       22 Don’t let Harry head north for shooting practice

       23 If Keegan’s a messiah I want the Cockney Moses

       24 Is Morrissey talking the language of West Ham?

       25 Well done stern Fabio for defying our emotions

       26 Let’s revolt against Lucre-more’s ludicracy

       27 Potassium-rich fruit has no place in football

       Interview between Russell Brand and Noel Gallagher

       28 A lament for Gazza, whose gift became his curse

       29 Congratulations to Spurs for their lowly bauble

       30 Is this the right fertiliser for Grays’ grassroots?

       31 What’s the point in replaying a humiliation?

       32 Hurrah for super, special, Sunday soccer-day

       33 Capello’s words minced by sinister Nosferatu

       34 My adventures with Beckham in wonderland

       35 No replacing the man with a wiggle in his walk

       36 From Bridge to Boleyn with Littlejohn on a limo-bike

       37 Girls may turn my head but my heart is lost

       38 Enthralled by a giddy mist of climactic hysteria

       39 United to win – the Gods’ll never work this one out

       40 One little slip and happiness goes out the window

       Also by Russell Brand

       Copyright

       About the Publisher