Not Ready For

      Granny Panties

      The 10 11

      Commandments for

      Avoiding Granny Panties

      By: Mary Fran Bontempo

      With Illustrations by

      Pat Achilles

      Not Ready for Granny Panties

      The 10 11 Commandments for Avoiding Granny Panties

      by Mary Fran Bontempo

      © 2012 Mary Fran Bontempo

      Illustrations © 2012 Pat Achilles

      All rights reserved.

      Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com

       http://www.eBookIt.com

      ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0913-9

      No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

      About Not Ready For Granny Panties –The Blog

      Several years ago, I found myself surfing the internet in search of a place where I could find content geared towards me—a middle-aged woman who didn’t feel, or particularly want to act, middle-aged. I was looking for fun stuff, interesting stuff that wasn’t trying to “inspire” me, jam a message down my throat or remind me of the endless array of physical ailments and their “solutions” that came with aging.

      In fact, I wanted to avoid the term “aging” at all costs. If I needed to be reminded that I was no longer 20, all I had to do was look in a mirror. Reading about it ad nauseam on the internet was not on my “to do” list.

      I also was looking for a site that wouldn’t give me a migraine with a thousand links on which to click, fourteen drop down menu items per page heading and a dizzying array of things that flashed, beeped or talked to me without any initiation on my part. (Just try and find the stop button on those videos that start automatically.)

      You know what? The pickins were mighty slim. So I decided to start my own site, a place where women like me could go and just have a few minutes of fun every day. A place where I could talk about things that made me laugh, as well as movies, food, fashion and anything else that just made me feel good.

      That’s how the blog, Not Ready For Granny Panties, was born. Along with the help of some really smart, wonderful women (fellow bloggers and friends Pat Achilles, Chrysa Smith and Carmen Ferreiro-Esteban), I developed a site (www.notreadyforgrannypanties.com) just for us—and for you.

      Girls just wanna have fun, and we NRFGP bloggers realized through sharing with readers that none of us was ready to put on the big bloomers and consign ourselves to Granny Panties, either literal or figurative. As we brought our take on life to NRFGP, we realized that there was more to say, about life in the middle and how we can live it to the fullest as the fabulous, glorious creatures we are.

      This book is the beginning of that “more to say.” I’m certain other things will follow, as I’ve never been known to let anything go gently. But I also think that at this point, gentle isn’t going to get me, or you, where I want to go, which is as far away from a pair of Granny Panties as possible.

      So after you’ve finished the book, remember to stick with us and check out the blog at www.notreadyforgrannypanties.com every day for a daily dose of fun and to celebrate life in the middle with “girls” just like you!

      For Dave, David, Laura and Megan,

      who inspire me every day.

      Introduction

      It happens to the best of us.

      One particular day, a day that starts like any other, you look in the mirror and see someone else staring back at you.

      She looks sort of familiar, but you don’t quite recognize her, until it hits you with such force that your knees buckle and you think you’re going to throw up.

      You are staring at a cranky, worn-out woman who looks far older than her years. A woman who looks like fun has become a four-letter word. A woman who looks like (get out a paper bag before you hyperventilate) your grandmother and happens to be you.

      Maybe it’s the gray hairs seizing control of your head. Perhaps it’s the wardrobe that has devolved into a uniform of t-shirts and sweats accompanied by ratty gym shoes and topped off by a pilled cardigan. It might be the lines on your face that suddenly remind you of a roadmap to Hell.

      But more likely, it’s just a feeling, of invisible, gnarled hands clutching at you and trying to wedge you firmly and completely into a pair of…GRANNY PANTIES.

      Actually, you might already be wearing Granny Panties, both literally and figuratively. Literal Granny Panties are just that—panties that your granny would wear. You know the ones; they cover your entire butt, half of your thighs and rise up to just beneath your boobs. That’s a horror story in itself, but it’s not what we’re here to talk about.

      We’re here to talk about the figurative Granny Panties, the ones which are as much a state of mind as a pair of oversized bloomers. The Granny Panties that keep us from being, and having, FUN.

      Women of a certain age are like the Lost Boys from Peter Pan, only not boys and a lot older. Once we hit life’s middle ground, society starts to ignore us, occasionally swatting at us like a swarm of annoying gnats hovering on a sweaty summer afternoon.

      We’re the Lost Women, the ones who’ve crossed over into marketing “no man’s (or woman’s) land,” having just exited the golden 18-49 year old demographic. We’re the women who don’t care what a “tweet” is. The ladies who have spent so much time taking care of everyone else that we’ve forgotten how to take care of ourselves. The women who feel like we’re being left behind. And in some ways, we are.

      America’s fascination with youth has really thrown us under the bus. (It doesn’t help that more than a few of us look like we’ve been run over by a bus. Really, ladies, put on some