a division of

      MCSWEENEY’S

      849 Valencia Street

      San Francisco, CA 94110

      Copyright © 2003–2013 Nick Hornby

      Cover design by Dan McKinley

      Cover illustration by Daniel Fishel

      All rights reserved, including right of reproduction in whole or part in any form.

      These pieces appeared between September 2003 and June 2013 in the Believer magazine.

       www.believermag.com

      e-ISBN: 978-1-944211-15-8

      Contents

Introduction: A Note from Jess Walter

September 2003

      Some ground rules; predictions for a baby’s future employment; the opinions of grown-up critics; Legally Blonde

October 2003

       The embodiment of a cultural obsession; re-reading in the face of mortality; empty threats of violence

November 2003

       Unfinished, abandoned, abandoned, unfinished; the appearance of the Polysyllabic Spree; a zealous gleam

November 2003 / January 2004

       Clarification about lost Victorian classics; overrated and peripheral skills; living with an autistic child; advice on smoking

February 2004

       A modest celebration; the pram in the hall; in praise of the vernacular; jokes about commas; a fearful bashing

March 2004

       Plans for a carcass; Cultural Fantasy Boxing League; an effort to get back on course; the young Flaubert

April 2004

       Utter rubbish; a truth bent out of shape; unkind words about Amazon reviewers; upcoming Dickensian nutrition

May 2004

       The secret of good writing; a guy who shouts “Goroo!” a lot; a long, lank skeleton hand; drippy Dora’s bloody dog

June 2004

       The Croatian sex lady; the way middle-class people spend their time; a pregnancy scare; the support net; when Fischer played Spassky

July 2004

       A visually uninteresting family tree; nipples not left alone; a taste for hopelessly bleak Eastern European humor

August 2004

       A new baby; consumer fear; the appeal of the reappearing hero; the fourth-worst night of your life; a very pithy suicide note

September 2004

       The Jesuit thing; several mistakes; finger-steepling and sharks in the same book; a new best friend

October 2004

       Sex with cousins; Yorkshiremen; some clever-dick reviewer; the particularities of English Marxists

November 2004

       Presumptions regarding cricket; Chekhov’s quotidian life; advice that holds good even now; a lovely little mongrel doggie

Nick Hornby’s Preface to the Second Column Collection, Housekeeping vs. The Dirt (2006)

       Nick Hornby on what he’s learned about reading from the Polysyllabic Spree, of all people

      February 2005

       The story so far; the Kingston Trio in curious company; Islington dinner parties; a totally original sentence

      March 2005

      Weasel words; a thoughtful and engaging website; the inevitable Incredibles cash-ins; an elite cabal; Bob the astronaut

      April 2005

       Ednit; a quease-inducing trend; a spoiler alert; the only problem with the Labour government; Gogol’s shoes

      May 2005

       Surprising action in Borders; respective tastes in bird books; some things that have the mucus; Greil Marcus on the Pet Shop Boys

      June / July 2005

       An excruciating purchase; a perfect black-body sphere; the announcement of the theme of the month

      August 2005

       Rules made by pompous twits; an astonishing hush; ongoing disciplinary troubles; a surprisingly juicy book

      September 2005

       Clearing up a few things; dismal brevity; an interesting philosophical debate; bullishness and self-aggrandizement

      October 2005

       Shame; the Holy Grail of this column found; some very specific pomposities; the ways in which a man can kid himself

      November 2005

       A question of comic judgment; attractive Kryptonite ashtrays; impatience with literary fiction; gay abandon

      February 2006

       A lot of stuff about farting and wanking; Major Reading Experiences; Jay Gatsbergen and David Copperbottom

      March 2006

       A new tradition; Puff Diddle; jolly Ukrainian songs; defining the beginning of sexual intercourse; our impending death

      April 2006

       Comparisons with Nikki Sixx; sea-creature combos; the price of egg burritos in America; use of the first-person plural

      May 2006

       Notes on a shelving system; the English equivalent of Oprah; musings on a lunar module; unintentional comic élan

      June / July 2006

       A very grim month; brotherhood on the road; histrionics from Abraham Lincoln; Arsenal makes the semifinals

      August 2006