The more intensively the family has stamped its character upon the child, the more [the child] will tend to feel and see its earlier miniature world again in the bigger world of adult life.

      — Carl Gustav Jung

      Life in the family of origin (the family a person is born and raised in) is a tremendously powerful experience for everyone. And the impact of that experience is not restricted to childhood. The way we see ourselves, others, and the world is shaped in the setting of our family of origin. The views we develop there stay with us throughout life.

      At some point, most of us leave our families of origin physically, but we rarely leave them emotionally. Even if you put an ocean between you and your family of origin, or never return home again, you will continue to re-enact the dynamics of your original family in any new family you establish. The specific content may well be different, of course.

      For example, you may do many of the very things your parents did, even though you always swore you wouldn’t. No doubt your parents swore the same thing about their parents, who swore the same thing about their parents, back to the first cave man and woman who swore they’d never be the apes their parents were. At times, this decision to be different can take interesting turns.

       Example

      Annette, a divorced parent with children aged 14, 12, and 9, complained that her parents never liked or approved of what she did. She made a rule for herself as a parent to always praise her children and let them know how much she liked them. To her surprise, her oldest child told her one day, “Mom, the problem with you is you’re always telling us how good we are and we can’t believe you because we never hear the other side!”

      One of the most difficult things in life is to gain emotional separateness from that powerful early family environment and not continually repeat it or react against it.

      The purpose of this book is to help you find new ways to deal with that family environment — to have a better life here and now by learning a different way of dealing with your “leftovers” from there and then. If you can look at the unfinished business of your past in an appropriate context — the environment of your family of origin — your present and future experiences in life can be more positive. You can be more in charge of your own life, less defeated by undesirable events, and better able to create for yourself the kind of life you want.

      Think about how you feel when you visit or phone your parents. Do you feel or act similarly to the way you did when you were living at home? How long can you last before the old feelings start? Five minutes? An hour? Two days? What happens to you when things start getting tense? If you can last more than three days before acting or feeling like a 13-year-old again, you probably don’t need this book. Most adults, however, tend to act in ways they wish were different. Some attempt to fit in as peacefully as possible. They deny their own feelings, do what their parents want, and don’t rock the boat.

      Others make a point of being the opposite of what their parents want and expect. They are perpetual rebels.

      Some try to show their parents how they failed as parents and work on improving them. Many just have as little to do with family as possible. They are emotionally distant and rarely visit or communicate with their families.

      All of these ways of relating bear testimony to the power of our families in our lives. Most of us have not learned how to be close to these significant people while continuing to feel like our own persons. We find ourselves reacting to them, rather than doing what would make sense to us in our most objective moments. Yet, until you can be an independent adult with your family, it is unlikely you can be this way with anyone else in an intimate relationship.

      The same issues end up getting dumped into new intimate relationships: marriage (legal or common-law, same-sex or opposite-sex), children, work, friendships. The extent to which a satisfying adult life can be established is dependent upon how well you learn to deal with these forces in your family of origin.

      One way to do this is through family of origin work. The goal of this work is to change your experience of yourself in your family of origin and, by extension, in your present relationships.

      None of us really has a choice about whether to deal with our families or not. Even choosing not to deal with them is a way of dealing with them. You can’t be free of your early experiences by denying their significance or ignoring them. Your early experiences are bound to repeat in your present life with different characters and in different contexts.

      Doing family of origin work is one way to begin changing this self-defeating pattern. Some people do this work with a counselor, or a family therapist, but you can also do it on your own. In fact, people were using this approach long before family therapists started taking credit for it. A natural part of becoming a mature adult is to reassess the earlier relationships with family and make adjustments in them.

      Doing family of origin work requires an understanding of how families function. Chapters 2 to 7 will help you with this. Those chapters discuss specific family dynamics that you will want to examine in your own situation. Throughout these chapters are questions and exercises for you to think about and do. You don’t have to sit down and write out answers to the questions, but you will benefit most if you read each one carefully and let it simmer in your mind as you read further. Do the exercises that make sense to you in your situation and that you feel comfortable with.

      Understanding the concepts and being able to identify the dynamics at work in your family are only the first steps. This book is not intended to provide insight only into your family. For that insight to be meaningful, you will have to change your behavior and way of being in your family of origin. Chapter 8 gives you the instructions for doing the practical work. But don’t cheat and skip straight to that chapter; it won’t make a lot of sense unless you know something about the theory that comes first. Take your time and be patient. Once you have waded through all the theory, you will be amazed at how well and simply it all fits together.

      Even those who have been out of touch with their families for years can do this work; old relationships can be renewed. If your parents are dead, friends or relatives can be contacted for information about your childhood environment.

      People of any age can and do use this method for changing themselves, although it is easiest for those who are at least in their late twenties. Younger people are often still trying to get away physically and can’t yet handle the stickier emotional separation. However, no matter what your age, dealing with your family of origin can be difficult, and you may find it easier if you have some support. If you are fortunate enough to know a therapist who is familiar with family of origin therapy, you would do well to use his or her services. Because family of origin work requires you to do all the work, these therapists usually call themselves coaches. In fact, any good listener who can provide the support you need and ask appropriate questions can be this kind of coach. Sometimes a group of friends can provide this for each other in regular meetings set up for this purpose.

      A spouse or lover does not make a good coach. Even the best of them