Alphabet of Manliness (revised and updated). Maddox
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1. Or good grades, depending on your mood.
3. It’s important to note here that women talk to us, not with us, since those long, rambling monologues women go on hardly constitute a conversation. It’s akin to being at church; there’s only one person preaching, and we’re the ones being preached to. The only major difference is that sermons at church usually don’t evoke thoughts of the legal consequences for choking someone to death.
1. Namely, children
1. Make sure to emphasize the word “come” so she knows that you’re clever enough to point out your puns.
1. At least as normal as someone who gains self-satisfaction from taunting people who wear glasses can be.
2. I won’t mention which one, but it rhymes with Strattera.
1. The exact moment this happens is a contentious issue among contemporary scholars. Some believe the last drop that lands in the bowl is the end of the event, while others believe that no matter how much you shake it and bang it against the stall, the last drop won’t fall until you put it in your pants.
2. Or $8 Canadian—since even though the exchange rate isn’t that low, it’s still Canadian currency, which is perceived as being intrinsically less valuable than all other currencies, Turkey’s lira not withstanding.
1. I didn’t pay him.
1. Outside Kansas.
1. There were also smoke clouds sent by neighboring tribes, which was a great system of communication as long as it wasn’t raining, snowing, too windy, or night time.
2. Unless she’s a feminist, in which case aggression toward her would be a sign of respect, since feminists want to be treated with equality.
1. “Man,” the word, conveys masculinity in a subtle or abstract way, yet pictorially man is never subtle, because every visual depiction of man conveys ruggedness in levels that even moderates would consider excessive.
1. The best day of my life was when Cameron Diaz broke her nose.
2. Note: You may be considered an asshat for employing some of these techniques, but it’s a small price to pay to win an Internet debate. Internet debates are of paramount importance, so take them seriously.
1. Note: Although neither my book nor I ever appeared on television, it did considerably better than other books released at the same time whose authors appeared on late-night television programs to promote their
1. You might be wondering “what would a woman be doing up a tree in the first place?” Without the guidance of men, women are known to wander aimlessly, and on occasion, find themselves in awkward places like trees, abandoned mine shafts, and, in some rare instances, even working for a living.
2. As God intended.
1. Wrestling in cold oil would be stupid. And just when you thought I was using superfluous adjectives…
1. This is usually a short “brrraap” sound, which if repeated in succession, will produce the sound commonly known as a fart.
1. I fed my neighbor’s fish hot sauce one time and it loved the spice so much, it started doing tricks like swimming sideways.
1. As a rule of thumb, everything.
2. OPI: Or preferably initials.
THE ALPHABET OF MANLINESS
EXTENDED EDITION
MADDOX
Illustrations by
Angelo Vildasol
Bryan Douglas
Jim Moore
John Petersen
Justina Fader
Leah Tiscione
Louis Fernet-Leclair
Thomas Pollock Jr.
To the love of my life, my soul mate,
and the greatest person in the world: Me
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This is the part in books where I usually skim the names in the off chance that somebody mentioned me, as you are undoubtedly doing now. I’m always disappointed when I don’t get mentioned, so I did my best not to leave anyone off the long list of people who helped make this book possible.
First and foremost, I would like to thank Cherry for putting up with my ill-temperament, grumpiness, and general bullshit while I wrote this book. She has been the most supportive person throughout this entire process, experiencing many of the same hardships that I experienced in seeing this book to its end. She tirelessly gave me advice and feedback at all hours of the day, even during my 5 AM red-eye sessions. Her understanding and tolerance know no bounds. It’s not possible to overstate her importance in writing this book. There would be no book without her, and that’s no joke. Check her out at www.yoyochinese.com.
I know I sound like a shit stabber by saying “thanks to all my fans,” but really, thanks to all my fans who have supported me, sent me amusing e-mail, porn, viruses, or signed me up to spam lists over the years. It’s been a blast deleting all your e-mails. Really, though, thanks for spreading the word and checking my site even in between infrequent updates. I’d especially like to thank everyone who created fan sites over the years and my fans on IRC for their dedication. Without you assholes, none of this would be possible.
Next, I would like to thank my Alphabet of Manliness editor, and now agent, Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, for all his hard work and enthusiasm for this project. He’s by far one of the most straightforward and honest guys I’ve ever had the pleasure of dealing with; he just plain tells it like it is. Jeremie first contacted me over seven years ago, and persisted until I finally got a deal. He adapts to emerging talents and technologies, and is one of the few people out there who truly “gets it.” That sounded way more business professional than I intended, so suffice it to say that Jeremie kicks ass.
I would also like to thank the Numbers of Manliness editor, Richard Ember, for all his hard work and patience with this project. Richard has been very helpful and understanding with all of the delays, and is one of the friendliest, most interesting, and best-grounded people I’ve ever met. I’m proud to call him my colleague and my friend.
Several of my friends were especially helpful in writing this book by reading early drafts and spending countless hours giving me advice and feedback at late night coffee shops: Dan “Taskmaster” Berman for his tremendous support and input. He kept me in line when I was on the verge of burning out and inserted gay porn into my manuscript to make sure I was paying attention. Dan and I collaborated on several sections in this book, and I’m very grateful for his help (check out his site at DanBerman.com). I also have to thank Tim Baker for his always lively commentary, solid advice, and for his very quick response to my initial draft. Thanks to Robert and Jamie D’Ausilio for their input, support, and encouragement over the years. My family for making this world a better place by having me.
Thanks to Robert Hamburger for paving the way for authors such as myself. Without the success of his book, Real Ultimate Power, many authors like me wouldn’t have ever been given a chance. My Internet service provider, Xmission (xmission.com), for their excellent service and anti-censorship policy that has allowed my site to stay up for over 12 years and counting. Curtiss Lopez and Erin Tyler for their help with the cover layout. Justin Killion for his friendship, enthusiasm, and input with several sections