Hope and Joy & The Return. Ellie Stewart
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takes a dummy out of her pocket and puts it in the baby’s mouth.
He stops crying.
HOPE: How long will he cry for?
JOY: Ear plugs are good. Industrial ear protectors are better.
HOPE: I can’t even hold him right.
JOY: New babies are hard to hold.
JOY takes the baby.
JOY: Especially when they’ve got wings.
HOPE: He looks like a pterosaurus. Hundreds of thousands years of human evolution and I get a pterosaurus.
JOY: Aye. Hundreds of thousands years and look where it got us!
(To the baby.) You are lovely. Aren’t you? Yes you are.
HOPE: They won’t let me out till they’ve done the tests. But they don’t know when they can do the tests. I don’t think they even know what they’re testing for.
JOY: Has anyone even asked about his father?
HOPE shakes her head.
JOY: Geez.
HOPE: And he’s under the weight threshold. I tried telling them that his bones are probably hollow. That maybe he needs a supplement of algae and tadpoles. But that’s not part of their post-natal care package.
JOY: You are going to be a great mum.
HOPE: Do you think?
JOY: Definitely.
…
But maybe you’d both be better off outside. He needs water and air and ….
HOPE: They say they can remove his wings straight away.
JOY: They what?!
HOPE: Apparently it’s a simple operation if it’s done early enough. And he could grow up more or less normal.
JOY: Normal?
HOPE: You know … so he fits in. Doesn’t stand out.
JOY: Hope … everyone … at every time … in the whole of human history has dreamt of being able to fly and they want to remove his WINGS?
You will definitely be better off outside.
HOPE: I asked to go home. But they won’t discharge me.
JOY signs HOPE’s notes with a flourish.
JOY: There. Discharged.
HOPE: Won’t you get into trouble?
JOY: Probably. And you’ll have to go out the window.
JOY starts tying the baby to HOPE’s front.
JOY: You’ll have to be quick. They don’t like people opening windows.
JOY is tying the baby to HOPE’s front with a blanket.
JOY: Soon we’ll all forget how to fall and jump and breathe.
…
There’s a tree outside. If you sit on the sill you can reach the big branch and dreep down.
JOY unlocks the window.
JOY: OK?
HOPE: I’m not sure.
I don’t really know what I’m doing.
JOY: Most things aren’t that complicated.
…
Ready?
JOY opens the window. An alarm sounds.
Blackout.
PART 2
Five years later. Spring.
HOPE and MAGNUS are outside, playing a game. They are telling each other jokes. They have both heard them all before.
HOPE: Why did the chicken/
MAGNUS: Yeah yeah. Why did the duck cross the road?
HOPE: Because it thought it was a chicken.
…
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
MAGNUS: To get to the other tide.
…
Why did the rooster cross the road?
HOPE: To prove it wasn’t chicken.
…
Wait … why did the dinosaur cross the road?
MAGNUS: Because the chicken wasn’t around yet.
…
Which came first/ the chicken or
HOPE: The egg! By three hundred and twelve million years.
HOPE is tired. She sits.
MAGNUS is above her. He unfurls his whole body. He’s a head taller now. His neck is very long. With his arms extended to the sides he demonstrates scooping the air with his arms and shoulders.
MAGNUS: I’ll teach you to fly one day.
HOPE: You won’t. It’s not anatomically possible.
MAGNUS: Deep in everyone’s DNA there’s the possibility of flight.
HOPE: I do dream about flying sometimes.
MAGNUS: There you go then.
HOPE: It’s just symbolic or something.
MAGNUS: Bollocks. It’s your brain preparing for flight.
HOPE: Maybe.
MAGNUS: Birds were the only dinosaur to survive you know.
***
JOY at home. She is on the sofa with a goldfish in a bowl on her lap. She has a bundle of newspapers and a bag of crisps. She speaks to her goldfish (Pedro Dieciséis).
JOY reads the front page headlines aloud.
JOY: ‘Woman sues NHS over Uneggspected Pregnancy’
…
‘Quick Shag Takes on New Meaning for Coastal Holiday Makers – Lewd behaviour on Arran’s beautiful beaches.’
…
‘Woman gives birth to Albatross after Holiday of a Lifetime.’
…
Albatross? Must’ve had a bit of bother getting that one out.
…
What do you think? ‘Gone With the Wind’?
Pause.
JOY: I know. Too long. No point.
She opens the bag of crisps and crumbles a little into the goldfish bowl.
JOY: ¡Que aproveche!
…
Wait for it.
JOY’s mum does not bang from the next room.
A moment.
JOY: Mum.
It is very quiet. No sound from the next room. An absence of breathing.
***
MAGNUS has a razor. He has been trying to shave his legs. It’s messy. Enter HOPE.
HOPE: Magnus!
MAGNUS: Why do you never knock?
HOPE: What is this?
MAGNUS: What does it look like?
Beat.
HOPE: Why?
Pause.
MAGNUS: Melissa says I’m …
She