Solstices. Crisalis .
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to the cold, diseases and hunger. People probably felt better prepared if they were strong and filled with sunlight.
Nowadays, whether caused by Christianity or by our roots in farming culture, the feast has mostly become one of thanks for the harvest. We give thanks for the rich and abundant harvest, for full storehouses. At a time when we are no longer threatened by hunger and cold, it seems reasonable to look back at the past year and think about things we can be thankful for. What were we given in abundance? Which expectations weren’t fulfilled? Is it really necessary to have them fulfilled? Is it possible that non-fulfilment is also part of the harvest? We become aware of the fact that we can’t take being well-off for granted. In other places and other times people are awaiting the nearing winter in fear of hunger, thirst and cold. This should put our anxieties in perspective and cause us to be thankful for the abundance and riches that we have.
Suggestion of how to perform a ritual: Look for a place outside where you can feel the advancing autumn. It is up to you whether you pick a field with a last few flowers, a place in the woods where you can watch the falling leaves or the edge of the woods where you can enjoy the golden leaves and colours of autumn. Sit down and concentrate on this year’s harvest. What has been given to you? Are there things you can be thankful for? Have a look at the autumnal colours, consider the process of decay and try to find out what you feel inside when you think about this slow decay. Do you find melancholy, sorrow, fear of death and illness, and of the dark season of the year? Then try to let both elements – the thankfulness and the dark – stand on their own. Give them both space without evaluating them, without labelling them or shaking them off. Take a short walk through autumnal nature and collect symbols for your harvest and for your darker feelings. Everyone bring their collection together and sit around the warming fire and eat the food which has been provided in abundance.
The next morning, Charlotte awoke restless, worn out and unhappy. She questioned her whole life, herself and had serious doubts that she had done anything useful with the time given to her. Shouldn’t she do a whole lot more good deeds in her life? Shouldn’t she share the riches she experienced with other people?
Although she was on leave she got up early to escape her inner restlessness. She fed Cleo, who had adjusted to her new surroundings quickly. She went out onto the balcony, sat down and looked down into the valley. There was a light fog in the air and it wasn’t very warm. Autumn had arrived. Cleo walked up to her and with a tiny mewing jumped into her lap and snuggled close. Charlotte wrapped her scarf around herself, put a cloth in autumnal colours on the table and spread out the tarot cards.
What did she need in her life? What was important? What was holding her back? The answer in the cards was very clear. Eight of earth – inner structure, six of air – clarity, seven of earth – loss of energy. She sighed. For her inner structure she would need a lot of self-discipline and that would probably lead to clarity. She felt indignation at the cards; she really did not want to accept their statement. She composed herself for meditation and closed her eyes.
Once she started to relax, she felt the void inside that was filled with grey, restless emptiness, full of dissatisfaction, doubts and feelings of guilt. Her thoughts kept drifting off, circling around small events, unfinished tasks, inabilities, guilt. Again and again she tried to direct her attention gently back to her breath. For a short time she once more experienced inner calm, but it was immediately displaced by an anxious, grey, disquieting restlessness. When her meditation timer went off, Charlotte stretched, sighing. What was she going to do with her precious day off? In this bad mood? Today was Thanksgiving, the autumnal equinox, the beginning of autumn. Her female friends were all somewhere else; she hadn’t made a lot of effort lately to make contact with women, ones with whom she would be able to share her spirituality and celebrate the annual cycle of rituals. That would have to change.
As it was the equinox and she had drawn two earth cards at once, it was probably best to go out into nature. Perhaps she would be able to feel the goddess again outside.
Before she went on her walk she went to the stable and visited her old gelding Voyou. He greeted her with mild disinterest. The horses were outside in the paddock and when she came out, Voyou was very clear in making her understand that she shouldn’t even think of taking him on a ride. Charlotte scratched his belly, brushed him a bit and massaged his back. When she left the stables, she noticed that the contact with the horses had helped her; some of her trust in her power was back. It was a mild autumn day, but it was still very cloudy. You had to guess about the existence of the sun rather than actually seeing it, but it was still nice and warm.
When Charlotte laced up her walking boots and marched off, she noticed that she was beginning to relax. What was today about? To give thanks for the harvest, for everything present in her life in abundance… While the leaves under her feet rustled, Charlotte tried to focus on remembering those things she wanted to give thanks for. She was fit and healthy. She had a well-paid and interesting job. She had male and female friends (who she had been neglecting in the last few months). She had to admit to having a perfect life, if only she could stop letting her feelings of guilt keep her from enjoying it. Of course, it was a worthwhile aim to encourage the good in her, to allow her empathy, help for others and generosity to grow and prosper in her life. But today being Thanksgiving meant it wasn’t so much about growth, but about finding out what she could to be thankful for.
Walking through the autumnal surroundings, she looked for symbols for all the wonderful things in her life. She had enough money for clothes, trips and travelling, even for keeping a horse. She climbed the steep path to the small chapel – she could enjoy the view over the valley, the meandering river, the small banks of pebbles and sand, the willows and alders from up here. She found thyme, absinth, oregano and golden rod, nice symbols for the healing in her life. She was thankful for being able to feel again.
The first feeling she had been aware of when, a few years ago, she had had the courage to feel her way towards the hollow emptiness inside her, had been a profound mourning and sadness – sadness for her lost childhood and youth. But combined with this profound sadness there was also the first joyful feeling – joy for being able to feel again, joy that her abdomen was managing to feel warmth again. Her heart and belly were no longer simply dead and cold, as if they were non-existent. After that had come the pain. Sometimes it was sharp and slicing, sometimes it was dull, holding her down but always, in a certain way, cleansing.
She felt hot after the climb, sweat trickled down her back, and for a while she strolled along the elevated path. She found some dog-rose berries – bright red fruits which reminded her of the rich variety in her life, and of the sun even if it was currently hidden behind some clouds. A last remaining rose blossom bent towards her and she thankfully picked it, a sweet-smelling symbol of the beauty in her life. She was happy about the treasures she had found, and noticed a feeling of relief. She seemed to be regaining the ability to enjoy life.
She jogged the short distance to the river and found herself at the edge of a small deep basin bordered by a welcoming sandy beach. Following a sudden impulse, she took off her clothes, folded them, put them on a rock and lowered herself into the river. The water was cold as ice, having flowed down from the mountains. The cold took her breath away and she fought for air as she quickly scrambled out. She stood on the beach laughing, and then went in a second time, this time more slowly. This time her body was already prepared for the cold. She held onto a rock in the water and let the current flow around and play with her body. She asked the goddess to cleanse her with the running water, to wash out all restlessness, discontent and guilt and take it with her into the depths of the sea. Again, the intense cold forced her out of the water after a few minutes.
For a moment she stood naked on the small beach and enjoyed the warm breath of autumn on her naked body and the prickling of her skin. She sent a small prayer of thanks. She felt rested and peaceful. She rubbed herself dry with her T-shirt, slipped back into her clothes, picked up her treasures and started her walk home. Lost in thought, she walked slowly, strolling through the peaceful autumn day with its soft light and the stillness of September. A few leaves rustled beneath her feet. Here, a field scabious nodded in her direction; to her left, a yarrow beckoned and a tansy glowed.
When Charlotte got home, she arranged the flowers and fruits on