Anniversarian. A play for 2 people. Comedy. Nikolay Lakutin
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She saw traces of lipstick on my shirt, the secretary, a parasite, messed up again. How many times have I told her to cover up all traces of herself. I cleaned my hair off my clothes, poured my perfume from head to toe to kill the smell of perfume from this my lippy. And there was a trace of lipstick at the neck itself. I don't have eyes on my neck. I looked in the mirror – everything seemed to be in order, but there was a very small footprint. My wife saw it. The scandal almost led to a divorce. Phil, there's really no time to celebrate right now, we need to save our family life somehow. Do you hear him yelling? Yeah, he's freaking out. That's it, I can't talk anymore, now it's going to be Makhach! Happy holidays, old man. Pray for me just in case. Hang up.
Philemon. Tolyan, again on the same rake! The hunchback, as you can see, will be corrected by the grave. We've been friends with him for as long as we've been together –he's always chasing after every skirt. So many girls have passed through him that he probably lost count himself a long time ago. The wife is beautiful. A very effective woman. Seven years younger than him. Curvy, successful. She has a chain of cafeterias in the city. He does fitness, reads Dostoevsky. The house is clean and cozy. Most importantly, she loves him. And there he is. I've talked to him so many times to calm down, but it's no use.
What kind of life is this? As a good decent woman, there must be some Tolyan next to her. Or vice versa. Take my example. I'm a good man, but I got a mean wife. She traded my anniversary for some kind of Vietnam. Would a normal ex-wife do that? That's what I'm talking about.
So! What happens to the guests there… So I'm waiting for the twins and their wives, and the Quartet. The quartet is what we call one group among ourselves. Our mutual friends. Vova is Hoarse, Sanya is Bald, Tema is Dry and Gena is a Goblin. They always keep a foursome. It's been how many years for everyone, and everyone is in bobbles, none of them has married. They drink and walk. Sabbaths are interrupted, so, nothing serious. The guys are not very conscious, but they are united. Each of them has a hard life, but, nevertheless, they are not optimistic. They should be here by now, it's already time… by the way, what time is it? Oh, it's been a long time! Where are they?
A message sound is heard. Philemon clicks "listen".
A voice message. I'm pressing the crab, "root". Happy birthday. So what? All. We arrived. Hoarse fit into the Porsche. I fit in fine. Neither he nor we have a muzzle now. I'm going to send you a photo, check it out.
A message sound is heard, followed by several more. Philemon looks at the photo.
Philemon. Christmas trees! Wow, I fit in. Yes, it looks like he was going to ram specifically.
A voice message. Well how? Spectacular? By the way, Drishch sends his regards to you, he got into the frame, he's trying to open his door for some reason. It can and will open, but it is unlikely to close later. But to argue with him… The Bald man and the Goblin are now butting heads with the Porsche driver. They are rolling on the asphalt in search of the lost brotherhood. Maybe they will find it, or maybe the traffic police crew will help in the search. There they are already on their way. That's it, I went to sort out the situation. Well, you got it, right? Don't wait for us.
Philemon. They all seem to be intact, that's the main thing. And the pieces of iron – they are also pieces of iron in Africa. It's a pity, of course, but what can you do. Anything happens. Ay… Let's get the results! So the ex and the kids are flying away.
He removes three plates from the table.
Philemon. A brother with Dasha and two daughters, minus four more.
He removes four more plates from the table.
Philemon. Tolya and her family are still minus two people.
He removes two plates from the table.
Philemon. The "quartet", of course, will argue about guilt until the night, explanatory, analysis, protocols… Minus four plates.
Removes four plates.
Philemon. Seryozhka will show up with his new lady of the heart only in the evening, and… ah, well, the twins with their wives. They should be there. People are responsible. Thank God, at least someone will come to congratulate me.
A message sound is heard. Philemon clicks "listen".
Voice message (water noise, hum, fuss is heard). Filimon Ekimych, hello. This is Olya. You've probably already lost us. I'm sorry, we didn't think to tell you right away. We have a force majeure situation here. The water broke. We're all running around with rags, trying to prevent a flood. After all, the house is for two owners, the same ones were built so that they would be next to each other all their lives, there was only one water supply. Now we're all in a bunch. Lena sends her regards, and our men are trying to patch something in the underground. I don't know what they can do there now, I think they will have to call the services. We're all dirty, wet. We don't know what to do. We can't come. When the men are free, they will call you. Such things.
Philemon. Well, that, you know… It just doesn't fit in any gate anymore! I understand everything, there are coincidences in life, a series of failures, accidents… But to do it all at once! One day the world came together like a wedge, and even on me! What for? So that no one can come here? What are the tricks of Fate? For what? Why?
Yes, the twin brothers, indeed, have dreamed of building a house for two families since childhood. There is a partition, but, in fact, there is only one house, and, of course, if they have problems around the house, then these are common problems. The plumbing is old, it should have been changed a long time ago. It blew up after all… No luck. But they were lucky with their wives. Both Olya and Lena are very good women. This is the main thing, and everything else is the little things of life.
Philemon removes four more plates from the table.
Philemon. It remains to wait for the Parasite Earring with its Stutter. The three of us will get the whole table. But that's when. And now…
He pours himself a shot glass. He raises it.
Philemon. Be healthy, Filimon Ekimych! Happy anniversary!
He drinks. He sits down at the table, gets ready to eat.
The doorbell rings!
Scene 2
Ivy enters, looking very defiant.
Ivy. Hello, kitty.
Philemon. And… I… this… Hi. You must be a Bunny
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