The Great Village Show. Alexandra Brown
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and quite mischievously, meaning to escalate the matter, before draining the last of his cider. He wipes his mouth with the shoulder part of his shirt and then pulls open a bag of cheese & onion crisps, as if he hasn’t a care in the world, which rankles the pompous guy further. He’s up on his feet now, with the sides of his jacket pushed back so he can plant his hands firmly on his hips, showing us he’s ready for action.
‘Ahh, so you’re the culprit. Well it won’t do – I’ve a good mind to place some boulders around my borders,’ the pompous guy retaliates. ‘That’ll stop you in your tracks.’
Cue a collective snigger from the farmers’ table, followed by: ‘I could supply you with a sack of coal if you like – you could paint all the lumps white and then pop them around your borders,’ from John, who owns the hardware store on the Stoneley Road – and always has a mountain of logs and sacks of coal in the open lock-up adjacent to his place.
‘Good idea, that should do the trick,’ the pompous guy puffs, and I figure that he must be a newcomer as he’s utterly unaware that they’re pulling his leg now by goading him with their ‘coal-painter’ jibes, a local euphemism for the ‘townies’ who keep a country cottage in Tindledale for the weekends, but haven’t a clue when it comes to rural life. Tractors mounting verges is just the way it is here; the lanes are just so narrow and winding in parts of the village that it’d be impossible for Pete, or any of the other farmers for that matter, to transport their cattle or crates of apples around the place.
‘Or what about some nice painted pebbles?’ Molly pipes up again, making the farmers chortle some more. But one of the WI ladies has had enough and butts in with:
‘Never mind securing your borders, what the community would like to know is: when are you going to trim your bush!’ And she extends a very accusatory index finger in Molly’s direction.
A flabbergasted silence ensues. Even Pete stops crunching his crisps and stares open-mouthed.
‘Um, I, err … beg your pardon,’ Molly eventually manages to splutter, as Cooper shoves a fist into his mouth and silently laughs himself into a hernia, making his shoulders jig up and down uncontrollably.
‘That bush of yours really needs attention.’ Oh dear, Lawrence catches my eye and pulls an exaggerated aghast face. I have to look away before I burst into laughter too, and that would never do – I’m conscious that a reporter from the Tindledale Herald is sitting a few feet away from me, and the last thing I’d want is him reporting on the first committee meeting with tales of how ‘even the headmistress laughed along to the juvenile, school-playground-style jokes’. The WI woman ploughs on, seemingly oblivious to the mirth she’s causing.
‘Yes, it’s so unruly, the path outside your house is practically impassable – my husband had to steer his motorised scooter right out into the road, just to get past. It’s a wonder he wasn’t mown down by one of Pete’s verge-mounting tractors. No, your bush is a disgrace and must go before the judges arrive on show day!’
‘Well, there’s no need to be quite so “personal” about it,’ Molly manages to squeak, barely able to speak properly for trying not to howl with laughter. But it’s no use, and she caves in. And then Sybs joins in, and soon everyone is screaming, tears of laughter rolling down their cheeks as the WI woman stalks off inside, muttering something about needing a double whisky, for medicinal purposes. I take a deep breath and keep on observing – it was inevitable, I guess – thirty minutes in, and the villagers are already like squabbling ducks; they just can’t help themselves from falling out, or making mischief. They’re still laughing and the pompous man, it turns out, is a pensioned general, ex-army, and moved here last month for some ‘much-needed R&R’, according to Marigold, who’s sitting opposite me.
Lawrence looks over and motions with his head for me to rescue Dr Ben, who is now hijacked in a debate about the therapeutic powers of wild honey and whether it might be a good idea to have a stall set up on the day with a working hive on display for the judges to try some out for themselves. The health-and-safety implications are being mulled over, with somebody actually suggesting the parish council would need to stump up a budget for ‘protective clothing’, which doesn’t go down very well at all. Especially as Mrs Gibbs is still waiting for a decision about her request for a rubbish bin to be placed in the layby outside her house – it drives her mad when louts hurl their empty lager cans from car windows when passing through our lovely little village.
Unable to sit and watch the fiasco unfolding before me for any longer, I stand up and walk over to the crowd that’s formed around Dr Ben, lift my elbows, and muscle my way in, before surreptitiously leaning into his left shoulder.
‘Do you mind if I step in?’ I ask discreetly.
‘Be my guest,’ Dr Ben says, giving me a very grateful grin as he hands the paperwork over to me. ‘I’m so glad you’re here; we really need someone used to taking charge,’ he adds, wasting no time in joining Sybs back on the bench.
‘OK, if I can have everyone’s attention please,’ I say in my best school assembly voice, and then count to five in my head. It works: the children on the castle stop bouncing right away, of course. Even the dogs seem to settle down, and eventually the adults stop bickering amongst themselves, the crowd dissipates back to the benches to finish the last of the cheesy chips and everyone turns their attention to me. ‘Wonderful. And thank you. Now, as Dr Ben said, it’s great to see everyone here and I can see how enthusiastic you all are, but we really have no time to spare if we’re to stand a chance of Tindledale putting on a really great show this year! On …’ I pause to scan the papers and see which date we’ve been allocated, and then I spot it. My pulse speeds up. Oh dear. ‘July 11th!’ Right before the end of the school term, but Jack will be home then for the gloriously long summer holidays. And my heart lifts at the prospect of having him around for a couple of months.
The crowd falls silent. Nobody moves.
‘But that’s only,’ Lawrence pulls out his pocket diary, ‘six weeks away!’ he says after thumbing through the pages to check. There’s a collective inward gasp.
‘Um, yes, err, I’m very sorry, it’s my fault,’ Dr Ben raises his hand in the air. ‘I sent off the application form quite some time ago and, well, I—’
‘Don’t you worry, doc,’ Tommy Prendergast, who runs the village store, quickly pitches in, pulling himself upright with a very staunch look on his face. ‘We won’t let you down.’ He’s busy retucking his shirt back in around his rotund waist when everyone joins him in supporting the revered village GP.
‘Hear hear! Can’t blame the doc. He’s a busy man. We’d be lost without him …’ As ever, Dr Ben can do no wrong as far as all the villagers are concerned, and they certainly all seem committed to putting on a great show in record time. And what perfect timing, as now the school inspectors can really get to see what the village is all about. In fact, I’m going to invite them along to our Great Village Show – maybe we could get one of those boards with circle cut-outs for them to put their faces through while the villagers throw wet sponges, like they do at the seaside. I bet that would raise a few laughs amongst the community. JOKE.
‘OK, everyone,’ I say, refocusing us all. ‘So I reckon we should just get on with it.’ I glance around, and great, they’re all listening. ‘Let’s have three committees working in tandem, with weekly meetings. Then we can convene a meeting for the whole village at regular intervals. I’m happy to put together and communicate a set of dates and times, locations, etc. I could pin a list on the notice board in the village square.’ I quickly pause and look at Sybs for confirmation, not wanting to step on her toes, but by the look of the big grin on her face, she seems perfectly happy for me to take charge, so I carry on. ‘Yes, and Tindledale needs to look its very best before show day, just in case the judges arrive a few days earlier, as they’ve been known to in the past.’
I stop talking and see them all staring at me, clearly bamboozled by my bossy, but – and if I do say so myself – extra-efficient approach. I spot Mrs Pocket in my peripheral vision, pursing her