Suicide notes. Натиг Расулзаде
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I, knowing mom’s character, naïve and simple, became alert but didn’t show it by anything, said nothing and waited – she will say all herself. Soon she admitted that she had given ten thousand to Akram. “Why? – I asked.” She began getting noticeably nervous, started to convince me as if I was arguing with her and wasn’t agreeing, but I just asked out of curiosity, she got so nervous that I regretted asking her about it. It turned out that Akram had urgently to buy a flat, it wasn’t even a flat, a little house in the suburbs with its own piece of land and even a garden, because in the old flat where they had lived it was terribly damp and both children already suffered from rheumatism. What can you say against it; of course your own brother took money for such necessary, even life saving business – when it comes to children’s health what can be more important. “That’s right, – I said, – everything is right mom. It’s just I can’t understand why he remembered about you only when you had money?” “Not at all, – said mom.” She got scared when she heard my words. I think she had expected that I would say something like this and possibly thought it over herself. “Not at all, – repeated mother, again getting very agitated, – he simply wrote to me a letter. How would he know that you left me money? How could he know what was going on here?” “Because, – I said, beginning to get angry, – I had sent him a letter from prison asking him not to leave you alone while I was there, so he didn’t.” “I don’t need much, – said mom, – I only regret that I gave him the money without your permission, because it’s yours. I wanted to write to you, ask you about it, and then received your letter saying that you’re coming back. It’s just recently I gave him that money, a month or so ago. I thought, thank God Rustam is coming back we’ll manage somehow, and how could I refuse my own son if the matter was so serious? And he didn’t actually ask me for anything. Just wrote me a long letter asking how I was doing and also told me about his life and the problems that he had. Could it be that he had a moment when he wanted to share all his trouble with his mother, to talk to me?” “Of course it could be, – I said.” “So, – mom obviously felt better, – he wrote and also added that there was a house for sale for ten thousand, in the suburbs, air is great there, it will be good for the children because they were ill, he didn’t know what to do. And I replied that I could give him that money but it wasn’t mine, and I had to ask your permission, and it would be better if he came for the money himself cause I didn’t want to send it by post – what if they asked me where I got it from, what would I say? So he came with one of his sons – with pride, clarified mom, as if they brought her grandchild to show her, she had to deserve it and so she’s proud that she did, – they stayed two days, he’s lost weight, poor boy, it’s hard for him, – mom sighed, and continued, – he got all grey – haired, I didn’t notice before, his head is all grey… So, they stayed a while and left. He said he would return the money, said to you not to worry. And also said he would’ve never taken it from me if it wasn’t so necessary, kids are ill, they have to move from the old flat by any means, can’t stay in such damp, illness gets worse. You see Rustam the reason is serious. We can do without this money, Rustam, right?” “Sure, – I said, – forget about it mom, you’re speaking as if making excuses. That was your money, I wrote to you, you were free to spend it as you liked. You better tell me about yourself, how you lived all this time?” “How could I live, – she said, – missed you a lot, was worried, twice been to hospital while you were away, thanks to the neighbours, they helped me a lot, I don’t know what I would do without them, they would go to the bazaar, pharmacy to the shop, or call an ambulance, my feet hurt me much now, swell and swell, they start to hurt in the evening… Well, I won’t be scaring you with my old age illnesses… Yes! I almost forgot, I still have four hundred rubles left! Oh, mom, – I said, – what is four hundred rubles nowadays? For some it’s pocket money which they can spend in a minute. And the same minute I regretted saying it, didn’t think, honestly, said it without thinking, automatically, and mom I see got upset, probably took it on herself. I said a silly thing, – I said, – hugging her shoulders, – forget it, mom. You should keep away from this kind of people son – she said. From what kind of people? – I asked. From the ones who can spend four hundred in a minute, – she said, – they won’t do you any good. Don’t you worry about me, mom, – I said, – I’m now experienced, wise and very careful… At night when I was going to bed, she asked me: Did you get very upset because I gave your ten thousand to Akram? No, – I said, – I’ve already forgotten, – I really did forget, because Nagiyev still owed me a little money as we had agreed, not much, but now for me it was a good sum. This thought about the debt calmed me down a bit and I really began to forget the money mom gave to Akram, what’s the difference if I get the money from Nagiyev soon enough anyway? Don’t be upset, sonny, – said mom, – he’s your brother; you have to help each other, support, when one of you is in trouble. Yes, – I said, – you’re right, mom. But he will definitely pay it back, – mom said, – he promised, said he would return it by instalments. If not this, I would keep it for you, I don’t need much, and I never spend more than a five a day. Don’t think about it, mom, – I said – you did what you thought was right, no need to explain anything. She kept quiet for a while and then said, – I’m explaining it, son, because people like you and me earn our money the hard way, we have to value it, especially if it’s earned in an honest way… Of course, this money is earned honestly, – I said – don’t you doubt it. I don’t, son, – she said, – I always trusted you and Akram, and I wish you supported each other like true brothers, which you are, don’t forget about it. Well, good night, Rustam. Goodnight, mom. She left the room. Support each other. Yes, I think, he supported me during hard times, right. Big brother, yeah… On the other hand what could he do? I also remembered mom’s excuses and all that talk about the money in such detail because I, to be honest, felt a bit bitter, if she had spent it on herself it’s different, but here – what was I doing the time for? But then, there are kids getting ill all the time because they need a new house – also understandable. I remembered how during the course of the conversation mom was trying to create a good impression of Akram, prove me that he’s a good person and we have to get close to him. Basically she wanted to patch up our relationship. But how can you get close to him after years that we hadn’t heard a word from him. We were complete strangers to each other. Also the difference in age, or at least if we were friendly in our childhood, but from my childhood I only remember with regard to Akram that he would shout at me, telling what to do or give me slaps on the back of my head. With these thoughts I fell asleep, and finally for many days or rather nights I slept without nightmares. The next day I went to Nagiyev’s. He greeted me very well, it seemed to me he was glad that I was out, treated me with expensive cognac and cigarettes, but was unusually quiet and not talkative, you could feel that it was not the same Nagiyev – black marketer, though big but still a profiteer, no. Now it was almost completely a different person, he spoke quietly; carefully choosing words, he did not giggle and smiled little. He had a look as if he watched and didn’t see you, and at the same time frantically analyzing how he would use you, what else he can squeeze out of you. He asked me in detail how I did time, whether I made any unnecessary acquaintances, if I cut all the ends in prison, will there be any prison mates come looking for me, he asked like a proper investigator. Yes, Nagiyev changed a lot, I noticed it straight away, he even changed the flat’s interior – it still was decorated rich, maybe richer than before, but without that screaming impudence, expensive cheap things, huge photographs of sexual intercourse on the walls in the bedroom. All these changes indicated the fact (I only felt it) that Nagiyev now flew much higher, probably to more risky, dangerous heights. I of course didn’t know, and didn’t'’ want to know, what he was doing, I came on my own business, and when he, at my insignificant question, again went quiet for some time pouting his lips, angry with me asking questions here,I got fed up with all this and not very politely dropped that he didn’t have to answer and I was only here because he still owed me something. So let him count and pay it back to me so that I could leave and no longer disturb him. Yes, – he said, – I haven’t forgotten about the debt, that’s a debt of honour and I will give it back to you, don’t you worry. I’m not worried, – I replied, – why should I worry? Let worry the one who has to pay it back. I’m only happy now, because I will now be back in the black with what I earned with my blood and sweat doing