He remained completely motionless, bathed in soft lamplight. Before this I had often observed him searchingly. Not always with success. But today I understood him.

      Bern. 27.4.1898. “Sit down and learn it better!” So it went in the mathematics course; but all that is past and forgotten. Just now the year’s first thunderstorm is raging outside. A fresh wind from the west grazes me, carrying the odour of thyme and the sound of train whistles, playing with my moist hair. Nature does love me! She consoles me and makes promises to me. On such days I am invulnerable.

      Outwardly smiling, inwardly laughing more freely, a song in my soul, a twittering whistle on my lips, I cast myself on the bed, stretch, and keep watch over my slumbering strength. Westward, northward, let it drive me wherever it wishes: I have faith!

      I wrote a few short stories, but destroyed them all. Anno 1898. Nonetheless, I took myself under my own protection again. The fact that the results are no good is still no proof of ungodly descent. In such a “classical” environment there is no reality to lean on. What nourishment does an elemental drive find in pallid humanism? One is referred exclusively to the clouds. Drive without substance. Exceedingly high mountains with no base.

      Retrospective. At first I was a child. Then I wrote nice essays and was also able to do sums (until about my eleventh or twelfth year). Then I developed a passion for girls. Then came the time when I wore my school cap tilted back on my head and only buttoned the lowest button of my coat (fifteen). Then I began to consider myself a landscapist and cursed humanism. I would gladly have left school before the penultimate year, but my parents’ wishes prevented it. I now felt like a martyr. Only what was forbidden pleased me. Drawings and writing. After having barely passed my final examination, I began to paint in Munich.

      After I had achieved success as a Knirr student, drawing nudes began to lose some of its glamour, and other matters, problems of existence, became more important than glory in Knirr’s school (a private drawing school run by Heinrich Knirr). Occasionally I even played hooky. Then too, I didn’t in the least see (and I was right) how art could ever come from diligent studies of the nude. This insight, however, was an unconscious one.

      Life, of which I knew so little, attracted me more than anything else. Still, I regarded this as a kind of scampishness on my part. It seemed to me that I had no strength of character whenever I heeded the inner voice more than orders from the outside.

      In short, I had first of all to become a man: art would then inevitably follow. And, naturally, relations with women were part of it. One of my first acquaintances was Fraulein N., from Halle an der Saale. I considered her – by mistake, to be sure – free and fit to introduce me to those mysteries around which the world, “life”, for better or worse revolves. Much later, when she was no longer important to me, I learned about her unhappy love for a singer. Perhaps this was a good thing for me: this way, the lady couldn’t get her hooks into me.

      I had met her in a (mixed) evening course in nude drawing. A daughter of Professor V. in Bern, who knew me by sight from there, suddenly spoke to me. I went over into the ladies’ camp, where the nude model, a mulatto who was sexually very excitable, could be seen from the back. The Swiss girl introduced me to a girl from East Prussia. I pondered whether she was the right subject for me to study. But the stimulus was too weak. The right one was to be introduced to me on the following evening; it was the N. previously mentioned. A blonde, blue-eyed thing, with a soprano voice and more elegance. I stayed near her without further ado and walked next to her on the way home. We admired the wintery beauty of the Leopoldstrasse, whose trees were heavy with snow, glittering in the light cast by magic arc lamps.

      Untitled, 1914. Watercolour and plume on paper on cardboard, 17.1 × 15.8 cm. Kupferstichkabinett, Kunstmuseum, Basel.

      Homage to Picasso, 1914. Oil on cardboard, 38 × 30 cm. Private collection.

      Haller now also came to Munich; he had his way, instead of becoming an architect in Stuttgart. He entered Knirr’s school, and when I arrived, he already felt very much at home there. As a matter of fact, his friendship with “the best student in ten years” had been quite useful to him; he made good use of it when he introduced himself. Besides this, there was his fresh, enterprising

---

Скачать книгу