Hard, Soft and Wet. Melanie McGrath
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have a happy meal, £2.98.’ He wanders off to find a table in the family section. Not on the top floor where the youth go. Not with me in tow.
We sit and eat in silence for a while.
‘Did you know,’ I say at last, ‘that this part of London is known as the Meat-Rack?’
‘Nah,’ replies Jez, nodding at the mess of waxed paper and mayonnaise on the table in front of me, his face flushed with that smile. ‘Mind if I finish your fries?’
ONE THURSDAY
A lover’s eyes
England hasn’t changed much. The Common might be a little greener than I left it. The butcher’s shop has closed down, Blockbuster Video gone up in its place. There are a few nominal additions to the graffiti on the walls outside my flat. As from Tuesday next the tube train drivers will be on strike. A bomb has exploded in Earls Court, no one hurt. Otherwise England is as England always was, an isolated little piece of island washed up on its own dank shore.
I have changed, though. At least, America has changed me. I’ve bought an Apple Mac with the remainder of my savings, and it’s beautiful. A mysterious grey sarcophagus with magic innards. I’ve also got a modem and a subscription to the WELL. England and England’s concerns matter less. I can now be in the same place as my fantasies. America. A few clicks of the keyboard, a tumble of lights, an instant’s wait, and the new frontier comes rushing in toward me.
No one here appears interested in my impending conquest of the digital frontier. After some dark muttering about anoraks and computers the subject is waved away. Meanwhile, my life is becoming very altered. Friends are beginning not to bother to call, knowing that I’ll either be online, or be wanting to talk about being online. They think I’m vacant, pretty vac-ant. But I don’t care.
Also, I’ve met someone. Not face to face, but as good as. It began a few days ago in an idle moment. This is how it happened. I posted a short provocation on the WELL – a small uncommitted riff about the media being our chief source of shared values, and he, this someone I’m talking about, replied with a long treatise, the gist of which was that the situation wasn’t so bad because it at least implied that there was a shared set of values. And so it went on. We e-mailed back and forth exchanging our armchair philosophies and cod theories. A strange textual flirtation started up but the stranger thing is, I don’t know anything about him, except that his handle is Macadamia. He’s my souvenir of San Francisco, my memento. And yet, it’s as though I’ve taken the first step in a series of irrevocable steps towards another life, as you do the moment you first meet a lover’s eyes.
Last night, I e-mailed Nancy.
>I’m very taken with a nut, I said.
And she e-mailed back
>It’s a newbie phase, sweetie. Bob was just the same.
I found a small part of myself hating her for that, but I woke up this morning with the usual pangs, missing America and wishing we were walking through Muir Woods together.
Observation: Why is it that technology designed to be used by women is white, while technology designed to be used by men is black? The washing machine vs the VCR. The tumble dryer vs the remote control. Computers, on the other hand, are grey, which must be one of the reasons they’re so intriguing.
SATURDAY
I appear to have given up on the real world. At least, I am spending less and less time in it and as a result I find that it has transformed into a drab waystation for the satisfaction of what Mac calls ‘meat needs’. Food, a bed, a shower.
The most valued part of my day begins around six in the evening, which is morning in California, of course. And also, conveniently enough, when telephone charges fall. It ends at dawn. In between Mac and I compose our e-mail, argue through the finer points of this and that, draw our secret conclusions. We don’t talk about our lives, what we eat for breakfast. We don’t have lives as such to talk about right now, we only have survival tactics: sleep, drink, eat, shit. We don’t go in for revelation. We’re already far too intimate. We chew over the things that matter. The issues.
For example, is the real world binary or analogue? According to Mac, the binary world of 1s and 0s that the computer understands isn’t necessarily a description of real reality because real reality deals more in degrees of grey than in black and white. But then light grey is not-dark grey just as much as black is not-white. Which makes it binary. We considered this conundrum at our respective screens six thousand miles apart and came to the conclusion that we’d got ourselves into a loop. So I called it a day, which it was actually becoming, and fell asleep with sunlight beginning to warm my eyelids.
SUNDAY
I mention binary vs analogue to Nancy. She mails back:
> I’d check that off your list of concerns. It’s one of those typically recursive analytical things that nerdy types get all steamed up over.
That ‘been there done that’ edge to all her messages pips my wick. Plus, Macadamia is not ‘a nerdy type.’
The real world seems more lonely than before. Sitting here at my screen in England, I feel like a one-woman species.
MONDAY
Discovery! I am not a one-woman species. A home-grown electronic scene has been going on quite nicely without me all this time.
iD magazine runs a piece about a seventeen-year-old electronic musician, techno’s latest wunderkind. Eyes skulk out from the page in imitation menace. Puffa jacket expands the frame. I make a note to track him down.
SUNDAY, NEARLY A WEEK LATER
A suburban train trundling west. Daniel the wunderkind meets me at the station, dressed in an outsized hip-hop hooded coat. The same uncertain flicker on the face. The same aura of indifference.
‘Hello Daniel.’ I meet his eye.
‘Yeah, hahaha,’ he roars, refusing to hold my gaze, ‘let’s go.’ And with that, he marches through the station, strides across the road, speeds along a genteel street filled with cheap antiques shops and mock Parisian cafés, and swings into a long residential road, dragging me panting behind him.
We are standing in an Aladdin’s cave posing as a kitchen. The room is strangled in stuff: papers, envelopes, posters, pictures, milk bottles, flower pots, tins of floor polish, spare curtains, photos, books, ancient magazines, biscuits, scissors, drainers, pans, packets of crisps, flowers, fruit, memo pads, wine bottles, telephones, pencils on string, children’s drawings, hairbrushes, highchairs, napkins, drying cloths, fridge magnets, a bath sponge, the whole finished off by the smell of a warming oven and roasted garlic. Daniel’s mother appears, looking far away and harassed.
‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’
‘That’s OK,’ I smile, ‘I’m sure Daniel can make it.’
‘No, actually, I can’t.’ Daniel contradicts me with an awkward sort of playfulness. ‘I broke the cappuccino machine, hahaha.’
‘I’ll have instant coffee then.’ Daniel reaches for the jar, tips it towards me for inspection and adopts a helpless air. ‘Uh, haha, Mum uses it to dye fabrics.’ The thin black crust clings to the bottom. A young woman walks into the kitchen, takes note of Daniel’s lost-boy look, says:
‘I’ll make the coffee, OK?’
‘OK,’ says Daniel.
Later, we’re sitting at the kitchen table cupping our coffee mugs. I ask:
‘Was