The Complete Man and Boy Trilogy: Man and Boy, Man and Wife, Men From the Boys. Tony Parsons
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it easier by ranting about the autocue girl.’
‘She’s moving that thing too fast!’
‘Yes, to keep up with you,’ I said. ‘If you slow down, so will she. Marty, it’s the same girl we’ve been using for a year.’
‘You didn’t even try to keep the show live,’ he sulked.
‘As soon as you smacked Tarzan, all this was inevitable. The station can’t take a chance on that happening again. So we do it live on tape.’
‘Live on fucking tape. That says it all. Whose side are you on, Harry?’
I was about to tell him, when Siobhan stuck her head around the door of the green room.
‘I’ve managed to find a replacement for the autocue girl,’ she said. ‘Shall we try again?’
‘We’re watching telly-vision,’ Pat told me when I arrived at Glenn’s place.
I picked him up and kissed him. He wrapped his arms and legs around me like a little monkey as I carried him into the flat.
‘You’re watching TV with Mummy?’
‘No.’
‘With granddad Glenn?’
‘No. With Sally and Steve.’
In the little living room there was a boy and a girl in their mid teens tangled around each other on the sofa. They were wearing the kind of clothes that don’t look quite right without a snowboard.
The girl – thin, languid, blank – looked up at me as I came into the room. The boy – podgy, spotty, blanker – tapped the TV’s remote control against his lower teeth and didn’t take his eyes from a video of an angry man with no shirt on, a singer who looked as though he should be helping police with their enquiries. Glenn would know who he was. Glenn would have all his records. He made me wonder if music was getting crap or I was getting old. Or both.
‘Hi,’ the girl said.
‘Hi. I’m Harry – Pat’s dad. Is Gina around?’
‘Nah – she went to the airport.’
‘The airport?’
‘Yeah – she had to, you know, what do you call it? Catch a plane.’
I put Pat down. He settled himself among the Star Wars figures that were scattered over the floor, shooting admiring glances at the spotty youth. Pat really did love big boys. Even dumb, ugly big boys.
‘Where did she go?’
The girl – Sally – frowned with concentration.
‘To China. I think.’
‘China? Really? Or was it Japan? It’s very important.’
Her face brightened.
‘Yeah – maybe Japan.’
‘There’s a big difference between China and Japan,’ I said.
The boy – Steve – looked up for the first time.
‘Not to me,’ he said.
The girl laughed. So did Pat. He was only little. He didn’t know what he was laughing about. I realised that his face was dirty. Without a bit of encouragement, Pat had a very cavalier attitude to personal hygiene.
Steve turned back to the television with a satisfied smirk, still tapping the remote control against his lower teeth. I could have cheerfully stuffed it down his throat.
‘Do you know how long she’ll be gone?’
Sally grunted a negative, absent-mindedly squeezing Steve’s beefy leg.
‘Glenn not around?’ I said.
‘Nah – my dad’s at work,’ said Sally.
So that was it. The girl was one of Glenn’s abandoned kids, from a marriage or two after Gina’s mother.
‘You visiting?’ I asked.
‘Staying here for a while,’ she said. ‘Been getting a lot of hassle from my mum. Whining about my friends, my clothes, the time I come home, the time I don’t come home.’
‘Is that right?’
‘“You’re treating this place like a hotel,”’ Sally screeched. ‘“You’re too young to smoke that stuff. Blah blah blah.”’ She sighed with the weariness of the very young. ‘The usual. It’s not as though she didn’t do it all herself back in the dark ages, the hypocritical old bitch.’
‘Bitch,’ said Steve.
‘She’s a bitch,’ smiled Pat, a Star Wars figure in each tiny fist, and Steve and Sally laughed at him.
This is how it works, I thought. You break up and your child becomes a kind of castaway, set adrift in a sea of daytime television and ducked responsibilities. Welcome to the lousy modern world where the parent you live with is a distant, contemptible figure and the parent you don’t live with feels guilty enough to grant you asylum any time things get too tense at home.
But not my boy.
Not my Pat.
‘Get your coat and your toys,’ I told him.
His dirty little face brightened.
‘Are we going to the park?’
‘Darling,’ I said, ‘we’re going home.’
We were meant to be celebrating.
Barry Twist had come up with the idea of a fifteen-minute delay system for the show, meaning we would go back to doing the thing live, but with a short time-lag before transmission as insurance against either the host or the guests going bananas.
The station was happy because it meant there was still time to edit out anything that was really going to give the advertisers the running squirts, and Marty was happy because it meant he no longer got paralysis of the lower autocue.
So Marty took me to lunch at his favourite restaurant, a fashionably spartan basement where well-fed people in television put authentic Italian peasant food on their expense accounts.
Like most of the places we went to, its bare floorboards and white walls made it look more like a gym than a restaurant, possibly to make us feel that we were doing ourselves some good in there. When we arrived just after two – I was running late after delivering Pat to my parents, leaving him with them because with Gina gone there was no one to pick him up after nursery – the place was already crowded, but the reception desk was empty.
A waitress approached us. She was clearly not having a good day. She was hot and flustered and there was a red wine stain on her white uniform. She kept doing this thing with her hair, which was shiny and black and cut in one of those old-fashioned bell shapes that you imagine on women in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel, or on Hong Kong girls in the fifties. A bob. That’s what you call it. The fringe kept flying up as she stuck out her bottom lip and blew some air through it.
‘Can I help you?’ she said.
‘We have a table,’ Marty said.
‘Sure,’ she said, picking up the book of reservations. ‘Name?’
‘Marty Mann,’ he said, with that special little emphasis that indicated he expected her to recognise him now and practically faint with excitement. But Marty didn’t mean a thing to her. She was American.
‘Sorry,’ she said, consulting the book. ‘Can’t see your name on the list, sir.’
Then she gave us a smile. She had a good smile – wide, white and open. One of those