The Hero’s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom. Christopher Healy
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me this is some sort of joke.”
“You wanted the real me, you got it. Briar Rose doesn’t censor herself for anyone.”
“Then there’s no point to any of this,” Liam said sadly. “I can never love someone like you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, puppy. It’s common knowledge that I’m your true love.”
“According to whom?” Liam exclaimed. “The evil fairy who tried to kill us all? She’s the one who said ‘true love’s kiss’ would break the spell. But she also turned into a monster and tried to eat me. We’re supposed to take her word for it?”
“Blah, blah, blah, blah,” Briar mocked, opening and closing her hand like a puppet’s mouth. “You and I are still getting married. Our parents arranged this years ago. And you’re a real catch: You’re well liked, you come from a respected family, and you’re not too hard on the eyes. You’re just the kind of guy I want sitting on a throne next to me to make people feel safe and unthreatened before I turn their lives into nightmares.”
“I’ll never go along with this,” Liam insisted.
“It’s not like you have much of a choice in the matter. Face it, you’re stuck with me, Prince Charming.” Briar poked a finger into his chest with every syllable of Prince-Charm-ing, then sat down on a bench across from Liam and kicked her feet up onto a birdbath, knocking away a frightened wren as she did. “Now go peel me some kumquats.”
Liam walked away without a word, got on his horse, and headed back to Erinthia, where he gave word that he would be addressing the people that afternoon.
The citizens of Erinthia gathered by the thousands outside the royal palace, all eyes on the gold-trimmed marble balcony overhead, from which their prince would soon be addressing them. Applause broke out as a set of stained-glass doors opened wide and Liam strode out to greet the crowd. He wore a billowy blue tunic with black pants tucked into brown leather boots; there was a sword at his side, and a wine-colored cape fluttering behind him in the breeze. Before he spoke, Liam took a moment to gaze on the wildly enthusiastic audience below. Who needs a wife, he thought, when I’ve got all these devoted fans?
Liam’s mother and father, Queen Gertrude and King Gareth, stepped out onto the balcony behind him. They were followed by Liam’s twelve-year-old sister, Princess Lila, who ran up and gave Liam a quick smooch on the cheek before retreating to the back of the balcony. Lila, who wore her chestnut hair in loose, dangly ringlets and liked to roll up the sleeves on the elegant gowns her parents forced her to wear, might have been young, but she was Liam’s closest confidante—and the only person in Erinthia who appreciated Liam for his actual good deeds. Yet even she didn’t know why Liam had scheduled this appearance.
The king tapped Liam on the shoulder. “We are all eager to hear your big announcement,” Gareth said, hoping that Liam had decided to honeymoon in Valerium as he and the queen had suggested. The lobster rolls were so good there this time of year. “I wanted to have Tyrese here to record it all, but no one seems to know where he is at the moment.”
“Don’t worry about the bard, Father,” Liam said. “I’ll make this quick.”
He faced the crowd.
“People of Erinthia,” the prince said. The din of voices below hushed. “Thank you for coming out today. And thank you for all the kindness you have shown me and my family.” He gestured to his parents, and the crowd erupted into applause again. As soon as the noise died down, Liam continued.
“I’ve got some important news about the royal wedding.”
“Will there be cheesecake?” someone shouted.
“No, I’m sorry. No cheesecake. Actually—”
“Will you be taking your vows in a hot-air balloon?” another voice called out.
“No, of course not. Why would someone do that? So, about the wedding—”
“Will there be little sausages on toothpicks and a choice of dipping sauces?” yet another person yelled.
“No.”
“What about cheesecake?”
“I already said there’d be no cheesecake. Look, people, please let me—”
“Will you ride up the aisle on a unicorn?”
“There’s not going to be any wedding!” the prince blurted out. The entire crowd gasped in near unison, as did the king and queen. “I’m sorry. But that’s what I’ve called you all here to tell you. The wedding is off. Princess Briar Rose and I have discussed the matter, and we’ve decided that we’re better off just as friends.” No matter how much he disliked Briar, he didn’t want to bad-mouth her to his people.
As the citizenry murmured with agitation, the king skittered forward, next to his son, and addressed the crowd. “Ha-ha. Oh, that Liam. Your prince is just joshing with us all.”
“No, Father, I’m not,” said Liam. “I’m serious.”
“I told you’d he’d eventually ruin everything,” Queen Gertrude griped bitterly. “He was always too much of a Goody Two-shoes.”
“Listen,” said Liam. “Briar and I just aren’t right for each other.”
“But you love her!” the king shouted, his thick mustache fluttering as he spoke.
“No, I don’t,” Liam said plainly.
“You kissed her and broke the spell,” the queen insisted. “True love’s kiss!”
“I don’t think that’s how it worked,” Liam said with a sigh. “I think anybody’s kiss would have woken her. Besides, how could I love somebody I’d never met before?”
“Because that’s just the way things work!” the king thundered. “You are marrying Briar Rose. It has been written!”
“By you,” Liam said, beginning to get as angry as his parents. “You decided everything when I was three years old. Did anybody ask me who I wanted to marry?”
“You don’t get a choice,” Gertrude snapped.
“Look: Father, Mother,” Liam whispered. “Have you spent any time with her? She’s not a nice person.”
“Do you think I care about that?” Gareth growled. “Her family is rich beyond imagination!”
Liam was startled by his father’s greedy admission. He leaned over the balcony railing and yelled out, “Sorry, people. No wedding!”
Before he knew it, the crowd was booing as loudly as they’d been cheering only a minute earlier. Shouts of “Our hero!” were replaced by jeers of “Traitor!” Liam had never known the people of Erinthia to be unhappy with him. It was like having a tank full of beloved pet goldfish suddenly turn into angry piranhas. He was confused and a bit frightened.
“You should be ashamed of yourself!” one woman cried.
“Some prince you are!” yelled one man.
“I wanted cheesecake!” wailed another.
Liam called down, “People, trust me. I am still the same hero you’ve always known, am I not?”
“No!” someone called out, and threw a shoe at the prince. Soon other objects—canes, rocks, sandwiches—started hurtling up toward the balcony.
“Unbelievable,” Liam muttered. “It’s a riot.”
A tomato smashed into King Gareth’s face, leaving a splatter of red pulp in his wiry mustache. Gertrude struggled to wipe the mess from her husband’s ample facial hair. “Don’t hit us!” she scolded the angry crowd. “We want him to get married!”
Gertrude caught a stale dinner roll that came