The Complete Collection. William Wharton
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What can I do? He’s acting completely crazy and I’m afraid to even talk with him!’
‘What’s he doing, Grandma, tell me! What’s happened? What’s the matter?’
‘He’s insane, Billy. That psychiatrist should see him now; then he’d know.
‘Oh, God, I wish your father was here. I’m sure we’ll have to lock him up this time; with my heart I can’t stand it anymore!’
Jesus, if she’d only get to the point, or at least leave the room so I can dress and find out what’s happening.
‘Just tell me, Grandma; what is it? What’s Grandpa doing? Tell me!’
‘You won’t believe this. He’s there in the bathroom; he’s been there all morning. I got worried and went in to see what could be the matter; you’ll never guess what he’s doing.’
She pauses and gives me about two seconds. If I had two more seconds, I’d’ve said he was on the john trying to take a private morning shit. What else?
‘Billy, he’s floating tiny boats made out of matchsticks and pieces of paper in the sink. I almost died! He didn’t seem to notice me so I stood there watching him.
‘He fills the sink, puts his little boats in, pulls the plug and lets the water out. He even makes waves with his hand so the boats go around in circles, just like a kid. Nobody can tell me that’s not crazy, Billy; he’s completely insane.’
‘Yeah, Grandma, what happened then? Did you ask him what he was doing? He might only be trying to fix the sink.’
She looks at me as if I’m crazy too. I’m stalling for time; what the hell could it be?
‘Well! At last I got up my nerve and went further into the bathroom so he notices me. He turns around and smiles as if there’s absolutely nothing wrong. I try to speak as normally as possible; I don’t want to get him excited. “What’re you doing there, Jack?” I’m scared to death. You never know what he’ll do next.
‘He says something about a woman named Carol Alice, then twists his fingers in the air muttering about the world spinning; then, clear as day, looks me in the eye and says, “Maybe you won’t have to worry about earthquakes anymore, Bess.”’
Jesus, if Grandma’s got this even half right, Grandpa’s definitely flipped! He’s been different lately but this is weird!
‘And that’s all?’
‘Well, Billy, I was so scared I backed out of the bathroom and came here to wake you up. Maybe we should call Martha and tell your father. I don’t know who this Carol Alice is, but it sounds like a nigger name to me; probably one of those nurses he was flirting with at the hospital. There’s no fool like an old fool, I always say.’
‘Look, Grandma. We can’t get hold of Dad for awhile; he’s down at the beach with Marty and I don’t know what they’ll do after that. You go outside while I dress. I’ll go see what it is with Grandpa. Then you can stay here and relax, just lie back on this bed and pull yourself together.’
I finally chase her into the garden, get dressed and settle her in the bed.
I go in the house expecting anything. I’ve never had any experience dealing with crazies except once when two girls at UCK SUCK OD’d on acid. But that was only temporary and there were mobs of other people around.
I sneak through the side door. The bathroom door’s still open and it’s just as she said, he’s leaning over the sink and there are tiny matchstick boats floating in the water. He’s leaning back on the hamper with his cane beside him. He sees me right away when I come in. I figure I’ll go along with it till I find out what’s going on.
‘Playing boats, Grandpa?’
He looks at me and smiles. He probably has one of the nicest smiles in the world. Maybe that’s part of being bonkers, you have a nice smile.
‘Billy, what do you know about the Coriolis effect?’
I’ll tell you, he catches me with that one. I only vaguely remember it from an oceanography class. But Jesus, what a question in the early morning on an empty stomach.
‘Not much, Grandpa, isn’t it something about the water going down the sink twisting right in the northern hemisphere and the other way in the south?’
‘That’s part of it, Billy. But most experts insist the Coriolis effect isn’t strong enough to make water in a little washbasin like this go any particular way at all.’
He pulls the plug out again and I watch with him. Sure enough, the water twists around clockwise, as you’d expect. His little boats swing around, get caught in the whirlpool, and he fishes them out before they go down the drain.
‘Now, watch this time, Billy.’
He fills the basin to the top and puts his boats back in. This time, before he pulls the plug, he starts the water spinning in the opposite direction, counterclockwise, with his hand. Then he pulls the plug. The boats are moving counterclockwise, but gradually the water reverses itself and they all go down clockwise.
‘Did you see that, Billy? That’s the twenty-sixth time I’ve done it here and it’s been like that every time.’
‘But, Grandpa, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? That’s what the Coriolis effect is supposed to do.’
He pushes himself farther back on the clothes hamper and picks up his cane. I can’t say he looks particularly crazy. And where the hell did he find out about the Coriolis effect?
‘Billy, here’s the problem. This Coriolis acceleration effect is only point zero zero five, that’s five thousandths of a centimeter per second per second, while normal gravity force is around nine hundred and eighty-five centimeters per second per second. In other words, the force of gravity is almost two hundred thousand times stronger than the Coriolis force. That’s why scientists are so sure it won’t happen in a basin of water; the gravity force should thoroughly beat out the Coriolis so it won’t happen. By almost any computation, it just shouldn’t show up in such a small basin of water. But right here now, with twenty-six trials, my coefficient of error is getting mighty small. Something’s wrong.’
He leans forward and starts filling the bowl again. I go up closer to him; it’s almost like being back in a lab at school.
‘Now, Billy, the reason water twirls with a cyclonic motion going out of the basin and down the drain is because friction from gravity is exerted on the water by the side of the basin. The water closest to the sides is subjected to the most friction; the water in the center, away from the sides, spins easier with whatever motion it has, so you get the water moving at different speeds, fast in the center and slow at the sides. This is sped up when the surface gets smaller as the water goes out of the drain. So the whirlpool or water cyclone going out, down the drain, is what you’d expect. But it’s the direction, its always being clockwise, that gets me. I’ve been thinking maybe our basin here is designed with a warped bowl to make water twist out and go down faster; maybe that’s it.
‘Billy, would you mind phoning Standard Plumbing up on Sepulveda and ask if they design basins and tubs with some kind of twist? I’d do it myself but I hate using that phone.’
I say sure I’ll do it, anything to help him get his mind off this crazy business. Shit, where the hell did he learn about acceleration, gravity; coefficients of error? I thought he only went to eighth grade.
I find Standard in the phone book and, after about three tries, get somebody in the manufacturing division who assures me all their bowls, both stainless steel and porcelain, are regularly shaped. I’m sure he thinks I’m trying to work up a complaint about some crooked sink. I tell Granddad what he said. He shakes his head.
‘Well, Billy, that eliminates one idea. Maybe we ought to try other sinks. Where can we go near here and find a lot of sinks?’
People keep asking me questions