The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls
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Outdoor Sandals: This ambitious shoe features an intense trainer-like bottom and juicy sandal top. A flavour dynamo, with deep notes of Gold Bond. Appropriate for all occasions.
Off-brand Trainers: Opens with a heady bouquet of gym locker, revealing notes of Malaysian pleather. Relish its poor construction in late summer before school starts. Best savoured with an appreciative human child.
Ecco World Class Wing Tip GTX: Tear through its heady leather upper, but you’ll be challenged by its waxed laces and reinforced interior. Cleats offer tyre-like chewing properties with lingering flavours of dirt.
SPECIAL NOTE TO CONNOISSEURS AND BEGINNERS ALIKE: There is one type of shoe you must leave untouched. This is the type with wheels coming out of the bottom. These shoes magically make your owner go much faster, turning a regular walk into a fantastic run!
Even if you have never seen a cat, you have heard the stories. They have nine lives. They crap in a box. They stare at you constantly. They fly when you aren’t looking. They will turn you into a cat if they bite you during the full moon. Well, some of those are true, and others are less true. It is estimated by the Dog Estimation Bureau that some 35 per cent of all dogs have to share living quarters with a cat, despite the fact that they share few of the same values as dogs. Contrary to what some posit, cats are not our mortal enemies. On the whole they’re just fussy and indifferent for reasons no one can understand. Cats are just a fact of life that we may as well get used to. To that end, here are some invaluable cat facts.
First and most important, cats are weird.
Cats startle pretty easily. These things startle a cat: barking, running, being licked, trying to play.
Cats do not appreciate stinky things, so don’t even try to share.
Cats are constantly looking for things to scratch in order to keep their claws sharp so they can pop you one right on the nose.
Cats can run very fast and crawl under places you cannot reach. Be careful not to hit your head trying to chase them.
Cats do not like to be chased, even if they deserve it. They will often make this clear by popping you one right on the nose with their sharp claws if you try to chase them. Not fair!
Cats do not honour territory. They will sleep in your favourite spot, even though cats are perfectly fine sleeping anywhere.
Because cats are silent, they get away with things we would be punished for. For example, a cat can easily jump on the table and lick the sour cream off a potato until it hears your owner coming back. Then it scampers away, leaving you to take the blame for there being no sour cream on their potato. As if you’d ever eat delicious sour cream from a yummy potato!
Cats take lots of naps. They do not like to be disturbed, and have been known to pop you one right on the nose with their sharp claws if you nudge them or bump them. Ouch!
Cats spend a lot of time licking themselves, and not just their bottoms. All over.
If you give a cat an earplug, it will bat it around for hours. If you give it a stick, it won’t even get off the couch for it.
Cats can sleep on their owner’s beds whenever they want, even though they prefer to run around all night crashing into things.
Cats refuse to do tricks, except for the aforementioned crapping in a box, which is pretty stupid, because then they do not have an excuse to go outside.
Cats are very territorial about food. If you try to have a look at what they are eating, you may find yourself getting popped one right on the nose with their sharp claws, even if they are not interested in eating it. Hey!
When a cat wants something, it will not bark. It will make another noise.
If your owner inexplicably brings one of these animals home, don’t even ask why. They don’t seem to be much good for anything, and thinking about it can drive you crazy. Instead of trying to work out why you now have to share a water dish with some sulky disobedient animal, you should spend that time brushing up on them. The best policy for those who have to live with cats is to avoid them altogether. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Your food bowl will probably be close to the food bowl of the cat, and, let’s face it, it’s hard to avoid an animal that is competing for affection and occupying the same indoor space as you. The following pointers are a good introduction to peacefully coexisting with a cat.
Don’t bark your displeasure. Barking will only annoy your owners, and you will be scolded. Don’t make cats look good by comparison.
Your owner will always take the side of the cat. Wait until he is gone to give a cat the business, then pick it up in your jaws. Don’t clamp down. This will remind it who the boss is.
If you come across a cat who looks as though it stuck its paw in a light socket and sounds like a balloon leaking, back away slowly or you could end up getting popped right on the nose with its sharp claws!
There are times, and they are rare, when you will be lying on your side and a cat will walk right up and lie down next to you, nuzzle up and go to sleep. You should enjoy this peaceful moment, because a few awkward minutes with a cat can get you months of lighter punishment if this cute little scene is witnessed by your owner. This is worth double if he takes a picture.
If you are still having a hard time with all this, just remember that as much as you like to sleep, cats like to sleep even more, giving you some well-deserved time to romp freely. Romp as much as you want.
Inside has its upside. It’s usually an agreeable temperature, features many comfortable places to nap, and is, of course, the location of your food bowl. The downside is, when you’re indoors, there’s no way to really know what’s happening outdoors. Think about it. This very second, sticky new pine cones could be falling from the sky or a squawky jackdaw might be making a racket with impunity. How would you know? You wouldn’t! Not when you’re inside, anyway.
Is there some way to bring the benefits of indoor living outside so you can keep an eye on things in comfort? Absolutely! It’s called a kennel and building one of your own is easy.
These steps will lead you on the path to dog home ownership and peace of mind.
Step 1. Pick the spot where you want your kennel. It should be prime territory with clear views of garden entry points such as the gate, large trees, and the dark space under the veranda. It must be prominent enough to show potential intruders that you own the place, but just secluded enough to allow for an element of surprise when confronting a trespassing squirrel or errant party balloon. Once you’ve chosen your site, take care not to do your business in that general area. Then begin the process of turning that patch of lawn into dust by digging, running in circles and lying there all afternoon. This is your foundation, so invest some time and don’t cut corners.
Step 2. Once you conceive a design and begin assembling materials, you will quickly realize that you possess neither carpentry skills nor an opposable thumb to operate the required tools. These things make kennel construction possible. You must now secure the assistance of your owner.