Dog Soldiers: Part 3 of 3: Love, loyalty and sacrifice on the front line. Isabel George
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I also wanted to make sure that Liam’s last wishes were carried out just as he had set down in his final letter to me. That was so important to me, and no one was going to stand in my way.
It was typical of Liam to make his last letter to me something I could re-read and laugh and cry all at the same time. He called it his ‘admin’, which in Forces’ language is all part of the paperwork that has to be completed before a tour of duty. Insurance, a final will and testament and last letters to loved ones … just in case. I can imagine Liam putting pen to paper and thinking, never going to need this but here we go. It will keep my mother happy.
Four days after hearing of Liam’s death we were told that Liam’s final letter to his family had been found and it was ready to be handed over. I wasn’t aware of this right away as Phil, our liaison officer, contacted my brother Rich and they met so the letter could be handed into our care discreetly and privately. Maybe Phil felt it would be better coming to me from Rich than anyone outside the family. He obviously knew how upset I would be and Rich would be able to pick the right moment. It turned out there were messages for all of us and, although I was relieved that Liam had left something, to actually sit down to read through it all was quite a different matter.
Rich was the perfect person to hand the letters to me. I wasn’t home at the time but when he gently told me he had something for me I skipped the shopping and headed back. I took the envelope from him and held it tight. I can’t tell you what I was thinking but I remember taking a good deep breath before Jimmy and I went into the bedroom to read it together. I want to share the letter he wrote to me. I never thought I could do that but I’m ready. All I ask is that you please remember that he was a young lad writing this to his family – just in case he was killed in action. That’s the massive tragedy of it all: he wrote it thinking it would never be read.
In a weird way I was happy, happy that his letter included something for everyone and, when it came to his funeral arrangements, he knew what he wanted. Liam was only 26 years old, with his whole life ahead of him: a job he loved and a girlfriend he adored – life was sweet. The thought of him sitting down to write a ‘final’ letter still haunts me but it also makes me smile. Liam didn’t write letters – I was the one who wrote the letters – and there he was writing the most important letter of his life.
I took that deep breath:
Hi ya Mum
Wow!! Where do I start? … Obviously if you read this then the worst has happened (well this is weird lol) but I don’t want anyone to feel down or wonder if things could’ve been different if … What’s meant to be is meant to be!! I want everyone to get drunk and try to move on with their lives. One thing I do want to say though is that I’ve had a fantastic life, I’ve got the best family in the world – you’re all amazing despite your own little flaws. I look and listen to all the people I’ve met moan and groan about their families all the time and I cannot comment. I’ve had an amazing upbringing and I thank you all for that!! … Mum you mean the absolute world to me and I know this sounds like a bit of a cliché (if that’s how you spell it!!) but I honestly cannot find the words to describe what you mean to me!! How you spawned me I don’t know. Lol! …
Here’s something for everyone …
Jimmy … You gave up so much to make me the man I became and I can’t thank you enough.
Laura, one of my older yet younger sisters … I am so so proud of you, everything you have done and are going to achieve …
Nicola … You really are an amazing young lady and I’ve always said that god forbid if I ever had kids if they turned out to be half as smart, beautiful or as brave as you are I would be one lucky man.
Ian … you truly are a legend dude, always there for me despite all our arguments and fallouts in the past. I always knew you would be there to support me whatever decisions I made.
Now for the boring bit. I want everyone to get drunk and every year I want my mates to mark my death with a rugby match. And for my funeral I want you to play Metallica’s ‘The Day that Never Comes’, ‘The Funeral’ by Band of Horses and ‘Sailing’ by Christopher Cross.
And sorry lads I want you all (he lists the names) to carry my fat ass … I figure with your combined weight you will manage it! I have a whole list of jobs for other people but I know the Army still has to function!
‘Each day’s a gift and not a given right.’ This was going to be my next tattoo and I’ve tried to live my life around this ethos and I would love for you all to do the same!! I’m sorry this letter is a bit short and sweet … but I hope I’ve given everyone a tiny idea as to how much you lot mean to me … You will always be in my heart and I’ll see you on the other side.
My love forever and always
X Liam X
‘A man will walk many miles whilst chasing his dreams.’
It was heartbreaking to read. I have only read the letter three times since that day but the contents have got me through many a dark moment, I can tell you. It was just typical Liam – like having him back in the room. It is really strange but Liam seemed to know exactly what people needed to hear from him and, at times, he gave us a rare glimpse of Liam thinking hard about his future. He even talks about if he had kids – bless him. He also said how he would like to be remembered with the annual rugby match and his mates enjoying a good booze-up in his name. My God he would wish he was there with them too.
Sometimes he forgot that the letter had to be in the past tense so there are alterations all the way through, like the mention of having kids: he forgot that it should have been ‘if I had had kids’, and where he had realised his mistake he scribbled it out and corrected it. Liam wrote as if he was speaking to all of us in turn and although it was typically random in his thoughts it was thoughtful and he was always a thoughtful boy. Laura says that’s what she misses most about Liam: whatever the situation he always said the right thing to make people feel better. She misses that most of all, and Nicola misses his sense of humour. Everything was laced with a laugh – even the last letter.
I didn’t want to think about the funeral but after the repatriation it was the focus of all my days. When the Army padre came to see me I could tell that he wasn’t impressed with Liam’s choice of music. I think it was the mention of Metallica that made his eyes roll but he seemed a good sport and admitted: ‘I’ve never done anything like that before but I’m sure there won’t be a problem.’ The RAVC slow march (Golden Spurs) had to be played on entering the church but at the close of the service and as the congregation left I requested (probably demanded) we play the Metallica and Christopher Cross tracks Liam wanted. It was important to me that Liam got to hear the music he had chosen and to know that his final wishes had been carried out.
I wanted to make sure that his funeral was everything he wanted and everything my family would have expected. The funeral directors had assured me that my wishes would be carried out and it was so important to get it right. The hardest decision was the one I had to make for myself. We had been told that Liam had taken the shot in his lip so the facial injuries were extreme. They were right to warn me and I wasn’t sure I wanted that to be the lasting image of my son that I carried in my head forever. So I made the decision not to view him, and the casket was closed when I got there. Some days I regret that decision and some days I don’t. It didn’t stop me going to him and talking to him every day up until the very last possible moment. I was going to take every opportunity to spend as much time on earth with my son as possible.
I suppose I have concentrated my memories of Liam on how he was when I last saw him and hugged him that day in February – larger than life and always smiling. Whenever I picture him in my mind there are things about him that never change and some that always make me smile and sometimes laugh out loud, which I do without thinking, and I can be in company at the time. I don’t care if people think I’m mad. I’m just thinking of my son and that’s how he was.
If you saw Liam in a T-shirt or his rugby shirt and jeans, you’d know he was happy. He was always more comfortable in his casuals and he had this habit of standing with his thumbs in his pockets – sometimes, if he was