The Reluctant Vampire Omnibus. Eric Morecambe
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and meet some real people. People who we’ve never seen before. Maybe even a pretty girl.’
‘For me?’ Igon asked, his eye brightening up.
‘Who knows?’ Valentine laughed.
They left the castle, Valentine hoping it was for good. He intended to send the King and Queen a night letter thanking them for all they had done for him, but somehow things don’t always work out the way you plan.
The first thing they heard when they got to the village was the gossip that Ronnoco had been put in the only cell of the jail for being found supposedly drunk in the doorway of Motherscares.
To both Valentine and Igon the village seemed packed. They had never seen so many people at once. Valentine was very excited at seeing things that he had never seen before. Things like birds in a cage, all singing; beautiful, bright little things. He had never seen birds at the castle. Only once he remembered seeing a vulture flying over the castle when his old Uncle Vermillion had died. It was said that he had fallen down at night on to a stake that somehow had pierced his heart.
Igon, as a boy, had been taken to the village, but he had almost forgotten the things he’d seen. Today the thing that caught his eye was a monocle which he thought he would save up for, then put in his eye pouch for his glass eye.
The whole day for the two of them was spent looking at everything. Igon soon got over the fact that Valentine was still alive and that the daylight hadn’t killed him or even slowed him down for that matter. It seemed to make him stronger although it worried Igon slightly that Valentine’s skin was starting to turn a little on the red side.
It was now late afternoon. Both of them were starting to feel a little hungry, particularly Igon who was one of those people who could eat a lot of anything at any time. But they had no money and they both knew that in the outside world money was the most important of things and that humans would kill for it.
They stood looking wistfully into the window of Ari Hovis the baker at the hot bread and the beautiful cakes and scones. It was then that Igon noticed his reflection.
His heart missed a beat, if not two or three, not at his own ugliness but the fact that standing next to him in the reflection of the window was Valentine. A thousand thoughts raced through Igon’s tiny mind.
‘Vampires have no reflection. Should I tell him? Should I tell his father, the King of all the Vampires, that one of his sons had a reflection? What should I do?’ He was so agitated he started to jump up and down, so much so that people stopped to watch him doing his jig in the middle of the main street. This ugly little man with a tall, handsome fellow in full evening dress.
But, the people just thought they were from the circus, always due around this time of the year, and that these two fellows were here to advertise it. No one considered it would be anyone from the castle. Why, the only person to be seen from the castle was the King and he was only ever seen at night and very late at that.
Valentine realised they were being stared at, so, in a nice, gentle way he tried to stop Igon from doing this foolish jig. Igon couldn’t be stopped and still carried on with his dance, pointing towards the window. He was so excited he couldn’t speak.
Valentine looked in the window, saw their reflection and thought they looked like a circus ringmaster and his performing monkey. It was almost a full minute before Valentine realised why Igon was so excited and kept pointing to the window. For the first time, Valentine saw his reflection!
He raised an arm above his head to see if the other person who looked like him would raise his arm. He did. Valentine then lifted his top hat. So did the other fellow in the window. Igon and Valentine walked to the next shop and looked in their window. Yes, they could still see each other. They ran along the street, looking in all the windows, still seeing themselves. They were now shouting with joy, pointing to themselves in the window and to passers-by, who thought it was some crazy publicity stunt thought up to attract them to the circus.
At last, Igon and Valentine threw themselves down on the grass just outside the village, almost completely exhausted. Sweat was running off Valentine’s forehead. This was also a new phenomenon to Valentine. Vampires do not perspire or even sweat under any circumstances.
‘What does it all mean, Sire?’ Igon asked.
‘I don’t fully understand yet. It started when I bumped my head in my coffin this morning. I somehow knew that I had to get up, no matter what time of day it was. I knew something was that little bit different. I’ve really felt it since it was thought I had the dreaded Vampire vapours and yet, you see, I knew I didn’t have the vapours. I knew I wouldn’t, under any circumstances, catch the vapours. I couldn’t catch the vapours for one very good reason.’
‘What was that, Master?’
‘Because, my faithful little friend, I’m not a Vampire. I can’t be. Have you ever seen a Vampire’s reflection?’
Igon shook his head.
‘Have you ever seen a Vampire perspire the way I am right now?’
Igon shook his head again.
‘And last, but by no means least, have you ever seen a Vampire walking about in the daylight as I am now? Have you? In all your years of living in the castle, have you ever seen a walking-about-in-the-daytime, perspiring and looking-at-himself-in-the-mirror-type Vampire?’
‘Never,’ said Igon, a glimmer of understanding coming through. ‘Never, never, never.’ He was shouting now.
They both stood up and looked at each other with love and understanding.
Igon asked, ‘Does this really mean then that you’re not a Vampire?’
‘I’m sure it does,’ Valentine said with a smile a mile wide.
‘Then, could the same thing happen to me?’ Igon asked, slowly and seriously.
‘How could it? You’re not a Vampire.’
‘Forget about the Vampire bit. I mean, like you, could I … me … wake up one morning and find out that I’m not ugly any more. Could that happen to me? Like waking up and finding you’re not a Vampire. Could that happen?’
Not for the first time Valentine saw the sadness in Igon’s squat, dirty face.
‘Well … er … I don’t see why not,’ Valentine answered a little too glibly for the truth.
‘I’d like that,’ Igon said with a sigh. ‘So. What next? What are we going to do now. Go back to the castle and tell the King and Queen that you’re not a Vampire?’
‘I think not, Igon. I think not. You see, I have a feeling and I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that that would not overplease them.’
Igon looked at Valentine and although not really understanding, nodded wisely. It was all too much for him but as he looked into the distance he saw a figure walking along the footpath about a half a mile away, towards the forest.
‘That’s Wilf. Wilf the Werewolf,’ Igon said. ‘Should we tell him? Should we shout and tell him you’re not a Vampire?’
Valentine put his hand over Igon’s mouth. ‘No. If that’s Wilf, then it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.’
They both laughed out loud, almost loud enough for Wilf to hear.
That night they stayed out of the village and went deep into the forest to sleep and work things out. Valentine had the sneaking feeling that King Victor would soon find out about their disappearance from the castle and would not be too happy about it. He would almost certainly send out the Vampire guards to search for them. If the guards found them they would be taken back to the castle and Valentine would be heavily chastised and punished while Igon, in all probability, would be given to Vernon to play with and do as he wished.
As they slowly