Time to Say Goodbye: a heart-rending novel about a father’s love for his daughter. S.D. Robertson
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connotations. We prefer the term “spirit”.’
‘Whatever. You’re splitting hairs. Can I talk to Ella or not?’
‘She can’t see you. You said so yourself. That’s not the way this works. The reason I’m here is to guide you across to the other side and show you the ropes.’
‘What if I don’t want to come?’
‘There’s nothing left for you here.’
‘What about my little girl? She needs me.’
‘She’s not your responsibility any more, William. It’s out of your control. You’re a spirit now; what’s waiting for you on the other side is incredible beyond words.’
‘You didn’t answer my question. What if I don’t want to come? Will you drag me kicking and screaming?’
‘I won’t take you anywhere you don’t want to go.’
‘So I can stay?’
She shrugged her shoulders. ‘It’s your choice.’
‘And if I do go with you? Can I change my mind and come back?’
‘No. It’s a one-way ticket.’
‘How about the other way round? If I don’t come with you now, can I come later?’
Lizzie hesitated for a moment before nodding her head. ‘There’s a grace period.’
‘Now we’re getting somewhere. How long?’
‘That depends.’ She looked up to the sky. ‘It’s a top-level decision. I’d have to get back to you.’
‘Right. I’ll get back to you too, then. How do I get hold of you?’
As the words left my mouth, I was distracted by the sound of two chattering teachers walking towards us. I turned for the briefest of moments to look at them and when I turned back Lizzie had vanished.
I looked from left to right in confusion. ‘Hello? Are you there? Can you still hear me? You didn’t answer my question. And why can’t I touch anyone – except you?’
I paused, expecting her to reappear, but she didn’t. ‘Great,’ I said. ‘I guess I’m on my own.’
I’d abandoned my only daughter. I’d broken the promise I’d made to her countless times, usually as she was lying in bed at night, asking about her mother, eyes intense and probing.
‘Daddy, you’ll never leave me, will you?’
‘No, of course not, darling. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you.’
‘Promise?’
‘Promise. From the bottom of my heart.’
Back inside the school it was obvious that they’d found something out. Ella was moved from the corridor outside the office back to her classroom, where Mrs Afzal kept her occupied doing some drawing. Her teacher was smiling the whole time, but I could see pity in her eyes. She told Ella there was a slight problem and she’d have to wait at school a little longer.
‘When will my daddy get here?’
‘I’m not sure how long you’ll have to wait, Ella. But I’ll stay with you until someone comes to pick you up.’
‘He’s never been this late before. Last time his watch battery broke he was only a bit late. I wasn’t even the last one waiting.’
Mrs Afzal knelt down next to Ella. ‘What’s that you’re drawing?’
‘An ice cream. Look, that’s the chocolate stick and I’m going to add some red sauce. Daddy said I could have one after tea today because it’s summer in India.’
It was my mother who eventually arrived to pick Ella up. She put on a show of normality for her granddaughter’s sake, but I could see the anguish in her eyes. She knew. Usually she’d have had a chinwag with Mrs Afzal about her own days as a primary school teacher. Not today.
‘Nana!’ Ella said, running over to give her a big hug. ‘I didn’t know you were coming to pick me up. Daddy’s really late.’
I saw Mum’s face crumple as she held Ella tightly against her own short, slender frame. But she fought to hide her pain again when they parted.
‘Hi, Mum,’ I whispered, from as close as I could get to her without touching. ‘I messed up. I’m so sorry. I’m going to need you to look after her for me.’
Mum drove Ella home and sat her down in the lounge. I couldn’t believe what was about to happen. I watched as tears started to fall down her cheeks. It terrified me, but it was the only thing to do. Ella needed to know the truth.
‘What’s the matter, Nana? Why are you crying? What’s happened? Is Daddy okay?’
‘No, darling. I have to tell you some terrible news.’
‘What is it? What’s wrong? Has he hurt himself? Is he in hospital?’
Tears were flooding down Mum’s face. I could hardly bear to watch. ‘There was a terrible accident, my love. Daddy was really badly hurt and … I’m so sorry … he died.’
Ella was silent for a moment before asking: ‘What do you mean? What kind of accident?’
‘Daddy was riding his bicycle. He was, um. He was in a crash.’
‘A crash? How? What hurted him?’
‘It was a car.’
‘Where is he now? Has he gone to the hospital?’
‘No, darling. He died. He’s not here any more. He’s in Heaven. He’s with your mummy.’
Ella stood up. ‘He can’t be. He’s taking me to get an ice cream later. He’s just a bit late. It’s naughty to tell lies, Nana. Do you want to see my new hairband? I’ll go and get it. It’s in my bedroom.’
She ran out of the room and up the stairs, leaving Mum distraught.
‘Go after her!’ I cried.
But at that moment Mum’s mobile phone started ringing. ‘Hello? Oh, Tom, it’s you. Thank goodness. Are you still with the police?’
I left Mum talking to Dad and went upstairs to Ella’s bedroom, which she’d persuaded me to paint bright pink about a year ago. I couldn’t see where she was at first; then I heard a rustling sound coming from inside the princess castle I’d given her the birthday before last. We had talked about taking the pink play tent down, as she hadn’t used it for a while, but when I peered through the mesh window, there she was. She was hugging Kitten, her favourite soft toy, and staring at the floor.
I knelt down right by the window. ‘I wish you could hear me, Ella. You’re my world, my everything. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere.’
‘I know you’re not dead, Daddy,’ she said, startling me.
‘Ella?’ I replied, reaching my arm into the tent to touch her – to make contact – only to find myself flying backwards through the air and slamming against the wall on the far side of the room. No pain again, but it was clear I wasn’t able to touch anyone.
‘Please come home soon, so Nana can see that she’s wrong,’ she continued, oblivious to what had just happened. ‘You promised you’d never leave me and I know you meant it. Please come home, Daddy. I miss you.’
Mum and Dad decided to stay at our house for the night,