Chapter 4

      Rachel opened her eyes, confused at first about where she was until her gaze fell on the familiar lilac curtains, which she remembered picking out when she’d been at college living at her parents’ house. Her heart plummeted and the familiar sick feeling washed over her as the betrayal hurt just as much as the moment she’d discovered the affair. The same thing happened every morning. When would she start to feel better? She knew it had only been a week and she was doing her best to focus on moving on, but she couldn’t ever imagine the heartache easing. She wondered what they were both doing now. Had Bianca moved into her flat? Was she lying in her bed with Mark, the place Rachel had been not that long ago discussing Christmas plans and holidays next year? Were they wrapped in the bedding that Rachel had picked out, costing them a fortune, their bodies entwined as they gazed into each other’s eyes with sheer joy that they could finally be together? Or did Mark find it easier going to Bianca’s flat, where there were no memories of Rachel to remind him that he was a deceitful, conniving bastard? She wondered if he knew how untidy Bianca was yet, or if he’d discovered that sometimes before bed she wouldn’t stop chatting when you just wanted to go to sleep. Mark loved his sleep. He’d detest her chatting all night. Or was it all so new, fresh and exciting that he’d rather stay up talking to Bianca, thoughts of his 6 a.m. alarm the last thing on his mind? Rachel hoped he was tired. He deserved it. The pig.

      Bianca had tried calling Rachel several times, but she’d ignored her. How dare she think she could try to explain herself? Rachel honestly didn’t want to know at what point Bianca had decided to steal her boyfriend. It was like a storyline from a film or a book; it wasn’t supposed to happen in real life, and certainly not to her. She felt so stupid. Humiliated. She didn’t want to know anything whatsoever about their affair. How they just couldn’t help it, the connection between them too strong to fight and how the last thing they wanted to do was upset her. The usual bullshit clichés. Of course she was upset; all her life plans were now in tatters. Everything was ruined.

      She held the palms of her hands over her face. She had a headache. She’d drunk far too much wine the night before and couldn’t remember getting home. The thought depressed her; she had really thought drunken, wild nights were behind her. She had been settled, grown up even, and behaving irresponsibly was supposed to have been a thing of the past. Something to fondly look back on. She’d been in a secure relationship and was supposed to be getting married, yet here she was, single, hungover and doing the exact opposite of what she thought she would be doing just over a week ago. She was back to square one.

      She heard a light knock on the door and her mother’s head peered round.

      ‘Morning,’ she said delicately, in case she’d woken her up. ‘Cup of tea,’ she added, walking into Rachel’s bedroom and putting a mug next to her bed.

      ‘Thanks Mum,’ Rachel replied, the words sounding more like a croak.

      ‘You were back late,’ her mother said, sitting on the end of the bed. ‘Good night?’

      Rachel sat up feeling like a little girl again when her mother would sit at the end of her bed reading her a bedtime story. Her mother had aged without her noticing over the years. Her dark hair, which was clipped back, was now peppered and streaked with grey and her skin had the look of tinfoil, too baggy round her eyes.

      ‘What time did I get back? Sorry if I woke you,’ she apologized, feeling guilty that her mother now had the worry of her daughter going out all over again.

      ‘About 1 a.m. it was, I was already awake. You know I can’t sleep until I know you’re home,’ she replied helplessly.

      ‘Oh Mum. I’m 29 years old,’ Rachel rolled her eyes, knowing deep down it wouldn’t matter if she was 49; her mother would still worry.

      ‘How was it?’ her mother asked hopefully.

      Rachel felt like a let-down. She shouldn’t be putting her parents through all this concern, not now. She knew her mother wanted to see her happy and settled and would most likely be crossing her fingers that she met someone every time she went out.

      ‘It was a good night,’ Rachel replied as brightly as possible, wanting to show her mother she was okay.

      Her mother nodded, watching Rachel closely and Rachel focused on the small lines around her mother’s thin lips that she hadn’t seen before, afraid to look into her eyes.

      ‘It’s okay to feel down, you know, darling,’ her mother said caringly.

      Rachel contemplated saying she was fine. She was over it and had moved on already, but her nose began to tingle and her eyes became blurry. ‘Oh Mum, it’s so hard,’ she replied. ‘I keep thinking about how much they must have lied to me. I keep picturing them together and what they’re doing now.’

      ‘They deserve each other,’ her mother said, in an unusually abrupt manner. ‘I, for one, am glad they both showed their true colours before you and Mark got any more serious. Thank heavens there were no children involved. You may be hurting now, darling, but they’ve actually both done you a favour.’

      ‘But you loved Mark,’ Rachel stated weakly. ‘You all thought he was wonderful.’

      Her mother frowned. ‘I never loved Mark. I loved how he made you happy of course, but if you want the truth, I always thought there was something off about him. I felt like he put on an act in front of us. Your father felt the same.’

      Rachel felt confused. ‘Really? I thought you adored him.’

      Her mother shook her head. ‘Heavens, no.’ She jutted out her chin. ‘I’ve always thought you could do much better.’

      ‘But I’m 29…’

      ‘Which is still young,’ her mother interjected quickly. ‘Tracey Harper next door didn’t meet Martin until she was 38, and just look how happy they are. She even had two children, one in her forties.’

      Rachel bit her lip. Her mother was right, just like Amber and Grace were; she was being silly worrying about her age. Why had she planned her life so meticulously, feeling disappointed when she hadn’t met the targets on time? First it was find a boyfriend, then it was move in and get engaged before 30, to then have her first child by at least 32. Rachel was learning that you couldn’t plan life. Nobody knew what was around the corner. Everything could change when you least expected it and she was just going to have to go with the flow. Relax a little and perhaps be more like Grace.

      ‘And as for Bianca, your so-called friend…’ Her mother inhaled sharply. ‘She’ll realize one day what an amazing friend she’s lost. She’s always been selfish, looking out for number one, but this really takes the biscuit. I’ve always said she was jealous of you, even when you were little.’

      Rachel nodded in agreement. Her mother was right. Looking back, Bianca had been selfish in their friendship. Rachel remembered how she’d helped organize Bianca’s 21st birthday party alongside Bianca’s mother, to make sure it was perfect with everything she knew Bianca wanted. Bianca had been thrilled when the limousine turned up to take her to her black and white themed party. Yet when it came to Rachel’s 21st birthday party, Bianca had told her at the last minute she couldn’t come, saying her boyfriend at the time had bought her a ticket to the theatre, and she couldn’t get out of it as they were staying in a hotel in London overnight. Rachel had been gutted, but she hadn’t said a word. Perhaps she wanted to believe Bianca that there was really no way out of it, but deep down in her heart, she knew how simple it would have been to sell the tickets or for her boyfriend to have taken a friend instead. Rachel was supposed to be Bianca’s best friend, but as her mother had said, she always put herself first. Rachel was often dropped last minute if Bianca had a better offer elsewhere. It was about time Rachel started to see her for who she really was, rather than constantly making excuses for her. Who cared what she and Mark were up to? She didn’t see Mark in the same light anymore