e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont
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is fascinating me that you, too, have troubles with work hands going off the straight and perpendicular. Perhaps it is our sunless winters or our proximity to the vodka distilleries of the former Soviet Union, but we in Finland are having a similar problem with many company members becoming ‘one picnic hamper short of a luncheon box’!
I have a tip for you. I am employing the revolutionary techniques pioneered by Dr Jari Nepstad at the Nordic Institute of Animal Husbandry. These are involving giving staff a daily tonic concocted of the extracts of lemming spleen and reindeer urine. As a result I am seeing insanity rates falling by 18%. I mail the recipe to you, though maybe you find lemming spleen in short supply at your otherwise excellent Asian corner shops.
Keep your pecker firm and erect – Pertti
Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 3.48pm
to… Lorraine Pallister
cc…
re… job changes
Lorraine, I know you’ve only been here five minutes, but I wonder if we can tempt you with a permanent position.
Zoë Clarke, one of the creative secretaries, will shortly be taking over as David’s PA, which would leave an opening in that department. It’s a really lively group of people on the 2nd floor, and Simon Horne, the Creative Director, is a lovely, charming man. This is a fantastic opportunity. If you’re interested, call me and we’ll discuss.
Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 3.49pm
to… James Gregory; Katie Philpott
cc…
re… woe is us
I’ve been looking everywhere for you both. As soon as you’re back at your desks, I need you in my office. I’ve just come back from a meeting with David. Things, I’m afraid, are going from worse to abysmal.
Simon has ‘cracked’ Mako. This is his idea: Reeves and Mortimer in bat suits. He believes it to be so brilliant that they’ll have to invent a new category of award to honour it. When I pointed out that he’d simply replaced Britain’s most unfashionable comedians with its most over-exposed, he wouldn’t have any of it.
The final nail in the coffin is that David not only loves it, he wants to build a church in which to worship it.
I don’t have much room to argue. The entire blame for the L&L disaster has been laid at our feet and our credibility is less than zero. To beat this one we must not only come up with a very convincing case against Simon’s new idea, but also a demonstrably better alternative. Let’s see what we can do. We still have three days.
Katie Philpott – 4/1/00, 3.53pm
to… Harriet Greenbaum
cc…
re… woe is us
Golly, what a pickle! Still, I’m up for a challenge. I’ll grab James as soon as he’s back from the loo and we’ll pop in – Katie P
Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 4.00pm
to… Liam O’Keefe
cc…
re… rumble in the jungle
While you were poncing around at some photographer’s studio shooting panty liners, you missed a top ruck. Carla vs Zoë, armed only with Rexel staplers and rouge noir nail extensions. They were tearing lumps out of each other when Pinki the Pacifist steamed in like a UN delegation and broke it up – crying bloody shame. I tell you, if boxing were only half as horny, it wouldn’t be going through a crisis right now. Picture Iron Mike in basque and fishnets. (Go on, I dare you.)
So Carla walks and Zoë’s going to work for Crutton? How the fuck did she swing it? Mind you, I’m not sure he’ll want her when he sees her shiner. And your babe Lol’s got the creative job. Compensation for when we jet off to the Indian Ocean paradise of Mauritius for the LOVE shoot to enjoy the shimmer of factor 2 on surgically enhanced tits – shame you won’t be there.
Wonder what Horne’s Mako idea is. Couldn’t be worse than Little and Large, could it? No, don’t answer that.
Susi Judge-Davis, – 4/1/00, 4.10pm
to… Zoë Clarke
cc… Rachel Stevenson
re… behaviour unbecoming of a professional establishment
I have just come out of a meeting with Simon, who is quite upset by this afternoon’s events. He has asked me to have a serious word with you.
He does not feel that fistfights on the creative floor are a thing to be tolerated and has asked me to have you relocated. I informed him that you are to work for David Crutton and, to be honest, he is worried. He is not sure that you are suitable and is going to ask David to review his offer.
Let me know if you’d like to talk, though I may be in conference with Simon as we have much to catch up on. Your antics have thrown out the whole day’s timing.
I try so hard to defend you, Zoë, but this time you have really let yourself down.
Susi
Liam O’Keefe – 4/1/00, 4.10pm
to… Brett Topowlski
cc…
re… rumble in the jungle
Q1: Did you video the punch-up? Mel’s got a Digicam in her desk – tailor-made for this type of blue-riband sporting event.
Q2: Is our little Vinnie Douglas really Crutton’s Colombian connection? If so, tell him to cut it with some Vim next time.
Q3: Do you really think that going on about your poxy shoot in Mauritius is getting to me?
Got to go. Harriet is lurking outside our office and she’s wearing the sauciest Chanel knock-off. I could be up for this older-woman gig.
Pinki Fallon – 4/1/00, 4.15pm
to… Liam O’Keefe
cc…
re… stop it!
Do me a favour and stop trying to see down Harriet’s cleavage. I’m watching you do it now. Transparent? I could glaze a greenhouse with you …
Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 4.50pm
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… Mako
Susi tells me that, having cleared shelf space for all the awards you are going to win for Mako, you are de-stressing at the Groucho. Whilst you unwind after your triumph, you should know that my team and I are not happy. I don’t see our client buying into Reeves and Mortimer any more than they did Little and Large. We’re disappointed that you’ve taken the rest of the department off the brief.
I would love to debate this with you, but as you are not here I’ve taken the liberty of talking to Pinki and Liam. I’ve asked them to carry on working on the project. Pinki believes in Mako. Its low emissions make it the sort of car she’d drive herself, if only she could drive. Liam believes in it because of the 0–60 figures, brightly coloured rear spoiler and beverage holder on the dashboard.
This commitment on their part will lead, I hope, to a very strong idea.