The World of Karl Pilkington. Karl Pilkington
Читать онлайн книгу.
Neddy, woah. What do you mean, ‘her kid used to take a horse into the house’? Where did they get the horse?
Karl: Must of nicked it from somewhere.
Steve: What, from outside the saloon round the corner?
Ricky: Did ‘Big Jake’ come looking for it?
Steve: So let me get this right. Was this before the lynching or after?
Ricky: Where did he get a horse from? What do you mean, ‘he must of nicked it’? His mum is saying, ‘Where did you get that from?’, he says, ‘I’ve bought it’, she goes, ‘Oh alright then, but keep it out of the kitchen.’
Steve: ‘And I don’t want you going cattle rustling …’
Ricky: Where did he get a horse from and how long did he have it for? Was he leading it or riding it? ‘Mam, quick, open the door, I can’t stop, looks like we’ve got us a runaway …’ What do you mean?
Karl: I’m just saying I don’t think they could of afforded to buy one ’cos they’re not cheap, so I’m just guessing. Maybe that’s wrong of me.
Steve: He had a horse! That’s why the family didn’t have any money. They had a horse!
Karl: I was in the car with me dad coming into the avenue and he used to have to drive down it to turn round …
Ricky: You had the traditional method of transport.
Karl: … And the horse was in the lounge. And I went in there once because I tried to earn myself some money by flogging little flowers in plastic cups.
Ricky: This is genius, it just keeps coming. What do you mean, ‘you tried flogging little flowers’? This story is getting deeper and deeper. It’s like an onion.
Steve: We’ve created a whole world here where there’s a man living with a horse. I come from the West Country and I never heard anything like that.
Ricky: I just think of a big orange carpet, a Rediffusion telly and this horse going, ‘I’m fed up in here’
Steve: Exactly, saying, ‘I am not taking the rubbish out again.’
Ricky: Little flowers in pots? What do you mean? Let’s just go back. What did this woman look like?
Karl: Er … bit like – and no disrespect to her – bit like Pauline Quirke.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: They did this thing at school about raising money for some local charity and they said you can do anything to raise money and they came up with all these ideas. And I thought, ‘That’s good. Forget the charity. I’m the charity.’ So I asked me mam for some flowers ’cos she had a lot of ’em around the house. I said, ‘Can I just take some snippings of them and I’ll go and buy some plastic cups and get some soil out of the garden’. Planted the bits of plants in them, got a tray, had about 25 plants on it, selling ’em for around 25 pence each. Sold loads.
Ricky: You didn’t just cut the flowers off and stick them in the pots?
Karl: Yeah, they wouldn’t of survived. But I think people sort of thought, ‘good on him for trying’. But anyway, I went round to the house with the horse ’cos I thought their house could do with a bit of colour and brightening up and that.
Ricky: The horse went, ‘Thank God for that – breakfast! They’ve been feeding me Kit-e-kat.’
Karl: So I go up to the door and they open the door and it’s one of them houses where there’s no carpet …
Steve: And a horse in the living room. We’ve all been there.
Karl: And the horse was walking round the living room. And it looked quite happy and everything because …
Ricky: Black Beauty was on?
Karl: But think about it right; if you were a horse, where would you rather be? In a little wooden hut with a load of hay? Or in a house with a three-piece suite and a telly and that?
Ricky: A telly and that.
Karl: I was saying this the other day. I was walking through London the other day with Suzanne and do you know how homeless people always have dogs? She said, ‘Oh I hope they look after it’ and I said, ‘What you on about? That dog is happier than most dogs because people always walk past and give it a pat on the head; it’s with its owner all the time; it’s out in the open not locked up in the house.’
Steve: ‘It doesn’t eat, but other than that …’
Karl: No it does eat. They’re always alright. So that’s what I was saying, I think this horse was doing alright for itself.
Ricky: Well, yes, not many horses have got their own house for a start.
Karl: But anyway, that’s not what we were talking about. We were talking about …
Steve: … Genetically modified kids.
Karl: Yeah. What I’m saying is, you could have a baby, right, Steve, and Ricky could see it and say, ‘God, I want one that looks like that.’
Steve: It could happen Rick, come on, work with him.
Karl: So you take it to the doctors and … I don’t know what they do with it, they inject it with summit or whatever…
Steve: Yep, that’s how it’s done.
Karl: And you get a little baby and there it is – it looks the same. Now you both go off and do your own things, right. Steve, you look after your baby, you treat it well, you give it good food and that.
Steve: Yes, well I’m a good dad.
Karl: But Ricky just gives his cheese. So it changes its looks, it goes a bit fat, it gets tired easily. Now this family…
Ricky: Why am I just feeding a baby cheese?
Karl: Now this family who had a horse in the house, they had a little baby and me mam went round and came back and said, ‘You’re not gonna believe this but it’s a beautiful little baby.’ And the weird thing was it was a good looking kid but as time went on they didn’t really look after it – I’m not saying they abused it – but it used to run around and play out ’til ten at night, it used to chase cars …
Steve: Right. Did it have hooves?
Ricky: It used to chase cars? What sort of kid chases cars? Was it called ‘Rover’? Did it fetch sticks?
Karl: The weird thing is, it was a good looking kid but as time went on and all that not eating properly, its hair was all patchy and it became an ugly kid. And that’s what I’m saying, right; you can clone all you like but at the end of the day, it’s how you’re brought up.
Steve: Man alive, that was one hell of a point.
Karl: But am I right?
Ricky: Er … you’re always right, Karl.
‘Look, if you don’t wanna do it, we won’t do it!’
Karl: No, but my thing with iPods is – do we need ’em? We’re living in that era now where we’ve invented most of the stuff that we need, and now we’re just messing about.
Ricky: They said that in 1900. Someone actually said, ‘Everything to be invented has already been invented.’ They said that in 1900, and how wrong were they?
Karl: