Mistletoe and Mayhem: A cosy, chaotic Christmas read!. Catherine Ferguson
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Then he sits on the edge of the bath and starts chatting about Kelly, who he works with, and telling me a funny story about something that happened at the supermarket that day.
To be honest, I’m so blissed out, I’m barely listening. I’m just watching his mouth as he speaks, lazily admiring the way, every now and then, his lips quirk up with amusement at one corner.
Apparently the Tannoy system, which he’s told me before is ancient and due to be replaced, is on the blink and everyone in the store accidentally overheard a conversation he was having in the office with Kelly.
‘God, it was hilarious,’ he laughs. ‘She’s enormous, as you know. Must be twenty stone. At least. More blubber than a great white whale.’
I tune in at that point. He’s mentioned Kelly before and I feel for her. It’s obvious she struggles with her weight.
‘So anyway, I asked her how her slimming club weigh-in went and she said she’d lost a total of twenty-seven pounds. So I laughed and said, “Christ, that was careless. But did you lose any weight?” And she went bright red, got all defensive and actually told me to fuck off.’
My smile freezes and I find myself thinking, Good for you, Kelly!
Nathan can be really lovely. But I hate that he’s so intolerant of people who aren’t quite as fit as he is.
‘So anyway,’ he’s saying, ‘the bloody Tannoy system was stuck in the “on” position the whole time. So the entire store heard Kelly telling me to fuck off. Hilarious!’
‘But not quite so funny for poor Kelly,’ I point out.
He laughs. ‘Rubbish. She’s man enough to take it. I’m convinced she shops at Hugo Boss for her plus-sized suits.’
Over the next few weeks, I let the running slide and Nathan doesn’t seem to mind.
He’s training for an Iron Man Challenge, which I wouldn’t have been attempting anyway. So it works out well.
The fact that he’ll be away for the whole weekend, competing in the Challenge, gives me a chance to spend some time at my own place, just chilling with Barb. I’m really looking forward to it.
When that Friday night rolls around, Barb’s exhausted after a hard week at work so we decide to have a night just kicking back, watching TV and catching up.
Barb’s real name is Dolly but she always hated it. When she was fifteen, she changed her name to Barb, telling her classmates it was short for Barbie Dolly. They all thought this was spectacularly witty and instantly obliged.
Dolly is far too prissy a name for her, she says, and I’m inclined to agree.
Calling her ‘Dolly’ would be like naming a mythical warrior Kevin.
Barb is financial controller at Premier Furnishings, where I work. The job comes with long hours and a great deal of responsibility but Barb is one of those people who seems to thrive on stress.
We got talking one lunch-time, soon after I started the job.
Since I didn’t really know anyone, I’d started walking to the nearby shops on my own at lunchtime and picking up a chocolate energy-boost. Just for something to do, really.
So this lunchtime I was coming out of the newsagent’s with my Mars Bar as Barb was going in. We walked back together and I happened to mention it was possible to eat a whole Mars Bar in exactly the amount of time it took me to walk back to the office. I’d done extensive research on the matter.
Barb looked at me like I’d sprouted an ear on my forehead.
I grinned at her, warming to my theme. ‘Twix is no use. Far too much chewing involved. Takes forever. And don’t get me started on Curly Wurlys.’
‘Ch-er-rist,’ said Barb. ‘You don’t get out much, do you?’
We’ve been great friends ever since.
Barb has a sharp tongue, an even sharper intellect and lots of brown hair that she hennas a glossy raven black. With her pale complexion, predominantly black wardrobe and slash of scarlet lipstick, she looks like a minxy, modern-day witch.
She has a great way of cutting right through the crap with biting one-liners but she’s only scary with people she dislikes. Once you’re her friend, you’ve got a mate for life and she’s the most loyal and generous person I’ve ever known.
I know for a fact Barb thinks Nathan’s the wrong man for me.
She hasn’t said as much. But she doesn’t have to. I can tell by the cagey questions she asks.
She watches me make an egg-white omelette (carefully separating the yolks out first). Then she says, ‘Why does Nathan wrap his veggie burgers in lettuce instead of buns?’
She enquires casually, as if she’s really not that interested, but I have a nasty feeling she’s about to start lecturing me on her Frontal Lobe Theory.
I laugh, hoping to distract her. ‘Ooh, call the police! Because he’s obviously a psychopath. A very healthy one, mind you.’
‘Hannibal Lecter was a bit of a gourmet.’
‘What?’
‘And that slime he makes you drink …’ She mimes throwing up.
‘It’s not slime, it’s vitamins. And he doesn’t make me drink it!’ I plonk my plate on the table. ‘Honestly, Barb, it’s not a crime to be healthy. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Didn’t you know?’
‘An apple a day can keep anyone away,’ she says darkly. ‘If you throw it hard enough.’
As a rule, Barb’s a really good judge of character. So her aversion to Nathan is a little bit worrying. But then, she doesn’t know him like I do.
Plus I think she might be a little bit jealous of our relationship. It’s eight months since she split with Frank and she hasn’t been on any dates since.
She’s also clearly spent far too much time analysing their relationship and trying to work out why it failed.
The result is her Frontal Lobe Theory.
‘Frontal lobes,’ she’ll say with a confident wink and a double-tap of her forehead. ‘For a lasting relationship, never trust the heart. It’s logic that counts.’
I can’t help thinking it’s all just a reaction to the tempestuous nature of her relationship with Frank, but I just humour her. I mean, it’s not as if I’m a great expert on relationships.
It was apparently lust at first sight for Barb and Frank. They were in and out of love more times than a cuckoo on a malfunctioning clock. So I suppose it’s understandable she might want to try a different approach next time.
I personally feel that for tediousness, her Frontal Lobe Theory is right up there with being stuck at home all day waiting for a fridge to be delivered.
Later, during the Corrie adverts, I bring up the subject of promotion and instantly, Barb says, ‘Fab. Go for it. I’ve always thought you were wasting your talents.’
‘Really?’
‘Er, ye-es!’ She gives me a look that says, Do you really need me to answer that?
Over the weekend, I keep thinking about it and, by Sunday night, I’ve come to a decision.
Tomorrow morning, at work, I’m going to talk to Marla and tell her I’m seriously interested in applying for the job of office manager.
I wake up