Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian. Frankie Boyle
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Lee Rigby was wearing a sweater that showed a picture of a soldier being stretchered away with his thumbs up. There’s a poster for the myth and reality of the job. You can tell his murderers were psychos; they left the body on a double red line. The killers’ travel history is being analysed to find out how they got radicalised – I’m not sure whether that includes ‘going to the newsagent’. People got off the bus near the attack to see what murderers looked like, as that bus hadn’t run a night service for a while.
Nigel Farage said it was terrible this happened on the ‘peaceful streets of South London’. Is he taking the piss? The police had to push their way past two stabbings and a shooting just to make the arrest.
It’s interesting when people discuss whether a crime was motivated by religion or mental illness, as if those were two different things. Police found the training manual they used for the attack. George Michael’s autobiography. The video of the jihadist ranting is going to be one of the toughest ever for Alex Zane to link to on the next series of Rude Tube. If it’s an eye for an eye, who replaces the finger you blew off your own hand, you idiot? The killer said ‘in our land’ women see beheadings daily. In Lincolnshire? Are they still executing the left-handed? Still, thank God we held on to that Olympic feelgood factor.
The EDL, who named themselves after the way they text spell the word England, staged a drunken protest. I noticed the EDL rioters seemed to be covering their faces up. That’s a bit Muslim of them. I think the EDL wanted to make a point about Muslims not respecting British law, and what better way to do that than to fight the police? Attacking a mosque in revenge for this murder makes as much sense as attacking JD Sports in revenge for Jimmy Savile. Muslim communities have to denounce these killings because they’re so rare. If rich white guys had to denounce every death in their name they’d never get anything done.
We’ve got to the stage where ‘asylum seeker’ is an insult, whilst the government debates the vagaries of the term ‘rape porn’. ‘Asylum seeker’ means you will be killed if you go home. And not in the ‘I’ve had an extra pint after work’ sense, though in some countries it will be because they had the pint, or went to work. ‘Asylum seeker’ is an insult and ‘WAG’ is a compliment. We have more sympathy for a woman whose husband might miss a header than for a woman whose husband might be missing his head.
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More defence cuts have been announced. The Ministry of Defence insists operational capability will not be affected as the armed forces are already highly ineffective. If we’re not careful we’ll soon only have a military big enough to reflect our true status in today’s world. We could slash Trident replacement costs by doing what Saddam did with his tanks and buying dummy stuff. I can’t see any reason why inflatable submarines wouldn’t work. BAE Systems is axing three thousand jobs. Oh dear, if only we hadn’t toppled governments of its major clients. Sell the bomber jets to easyJet – at least it’s a more honest way for our stag nights to enter Prague.
Cameron is insisting on the same number of new submarines to replace Trident, but Clegg wants fewer. I’d go with the Lib Dems. Look at our military requirements for the next fifty years – it just has to be easier hauling two subs across a desert rather than four.
And on top of cuts, stolen military kit worth millions is being sold on eBay. I’ve bought night-vision goggles, part of my plan to gain the psychological advantage on Mastermind by choosing ‘The various sleeping positions of John Humphries’ as my specialist subject. Meanwhile, ex-military chiefs have been caught offering ministerial access for money. Arms traders shouldn’t lobby. They should follow the proper channels and just show off their coolest stuff in conflicts, because for defence ministers CNN is basically a shopping channel. Indeed, many US arms dealers’ catalogues are made up almost entirely of photos from Afghan wedding photographers.
A CNN journalist said she’d like to urinate on a dead Afghan. Luckily, she works with Piers Morgan so she can get a mocked-up picture of her doing it. I’m willing to offer my services if she’ll accept a put-on accent and a bucket of spray tan. I’d happily kill three thousand of her friends if it helps? This is not the first time I’ve seen a video of four American lads pissing on someone, although I must say the dead Afghans exhibited a more realistic enjoyment of it than the girls on Xhamster. These Afghan soldiers were told they would meet a group of virgins after they died, and it looks like that was correct. We’re a strange society that pixilates the willies in that footage but not the corpses. Why would soldiers at the end of a tour of duty wee on dead bodies? The probable answer is that they’d simply run out of cum.
I liked it when al-Qaeda posted pictures of an all-female unit of terrorists training on an array of weapons. They’ve been dubbed the ‘Burkha Brigade’. I doubt they’d be that effective in the UK, because if a team of them were spotted crouching down behind a wall the neighbours would be straight on to the council reporting that someone has been putting their black bin bags out on the wrong day.
A lot of our general culture is war propaganda. Did you see G.I. Joe? It’s a film based on a children’s toy. I’ve got a few ideas in the same genre that I’d like to pitch. How about Kerplunk? Bruce Willis’s children are suspended between two skyscrapers by enormous lengths of steel piping, creating a net that they rest on. Willis has to remove one pipe every hour or his children WILL die. Or what about Hangman? We could splice together archive footage of the death of Saddam Hussein with some random clips from Countdown.
We’re told that terrorists are talking to each other through online games like Call of Duty and Halo. Al-Qaeda should be careful; these shoot-’em-up games can desensitize a person to violence. Sad we’ve only found out this link between games and terrorism so late in the day. I can’t help but wonder whether the world would be a happier place if only someone had had the sense, in the 90s, to ban Jenga.
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North Korea announced nuclear missile tests targeting America but they’re purely for scientific reasons – they want to find out what happens if they blow up America. The US government has warned North Korea to stop making threats, or else they’re going to fucking kill them. Some North Korean generals suspect their delivery system is too basic to get a missile to Washington, believing the US will probably recognise the stamps.
The West despises North Korea as a dictatorship. Dictatorship is when someone tells the people what to do. Democracy is when the people get to choose who tells them what to do. Naturally, we all laughed at the scenes of national mourning in North Korea when Kim Jong-il died, until Thatcher went and we did exactly the same. We didn’t even have the excuse that we’re delirious from hunger. Oh no, actually we did. It’s a communist tradition to have endless TV footage of the embalmed corpse of a tyrant at rest. We don’t do that here – we’d rather go for endless TV footage of his begging for mercy before being shot in the face.
Kim Jong-un has a girlfriend. By all accounts, Kim has spent weeks getting to know her, having had her family surgically implanted with bugging devices. I haven’t seen her dating profile but I’m guessing it includes: ‘Hobbies, venerating the great leader, collecting pebbles, trying to stop my imagination morphing people I meet into giant talking items of food.’
If there were a nuclear conflict in the region North Korea would be left a barren wasteland. So they’ve nothing to lose. David Cameron is very concerned that they can reach us with their missiles – to be honest, Dave, I think you should be more worried that there are plenty of people in this country who’ll be able to reach you with a stick. Let’s face it – if North Korea blow up the government before we do then we should all be ashamed of ourselves. I’m not that worried about Korean missiles hitting us here – mainly because I used to have a Korean car and it could barely reach Sainsbury’s.
Our government assures us Britain is ready for nuclear war. Really? We weren’t ready for snow in April. With the way things are going you could well be reading this on a scrap of scorched paper you’re using to bandage your weeping radiation sores as you fend off the other mutants with a spatula. Nuclear war in Scotland wouldn’t change much, as we already spend most of our time indoors with the curtains closed, the windows shut, avoiding all contact