All The Things We Didn’t Say. Sara Shepard
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this, Mr Rice had been invisible. The blazers he wore to Peninsula Upper School-one of the finest schools in the Brooklyn Heights-to-Park Slope radius, to quote the promotional materials-were never wrinkled, and he always combed his thin, wheat-colored hair into wet-looking lines. There was nothing extracurricular in any of his previous lessons, and with his droning monotone, he made the processes of cell division and photosynthesis and the intricate innards of a paramecium seem far less fascinating than they truly were. But on this particular day, Mr Rice drew a double helix on the board, tapped it with his piece of chalk and said, ‘Everyone, this is what your whole life is all about. It’s all you need to know about anything.’
The class fell silent. ‘DNA makes up everything inside of you,’ he boomed. ‘It determines what you look like and how you think, if you’re going to get sick and whether you’re smart or stupid. All you need to know about yourself is right here in this little molecule. Everything about your future, everything about your past. Nothing else matters, and you can’t change it. It’s passed down, directly, from your parents. You can’t escape your parents and your parents can’t escape you, as hard as either of you might try. You’re tethered to them for life.’
Everyone murmured. Jennifer Lake raised her hand, then put it back down quickly. ‘Even the DNA that may not code for anything,’ Mr Rice went on, his voice swooping up and down, the way a hawk climbs and dives. ‘The stuff that’s called junk DNA. It does code for something-something huge. It codes for the secrets, stuff we never admit to anyone. Once we crack its code, we’ll have the answers to everything, but right now, I think the only beings that understand junk DNA’s secrets are the aliens.’
Mr Rice turned and drew a dish-shaped spaceship on the board. An eggplant-headed alien peeked out the top, and Mr Rice etched a dotted line beaming right to the helix of DNA. The sweat on his forehead reminded me of the beads of water that gathered on the outside of a plastic bottle on a hot day. A couple of boys at the back coughed insults into their fists. But Mr Rice’s words echoed in my mind. This is what your whole life is about. You can’t escape your parents and your parents can’t escape you.
Before this, our school’s principal had missed every other instance of unorthodox teaching, so it was something of a surprise when his face appeared outside the classroom door. Then there was a knock. ‘Everything okay, Mr Rice?’ He stuck his head in. His eyes glided to the slapdash spaceship on the chalkboard.
I stared at the spaceship, too. There were so many things I worried about. I’d always been a worrier-my father said worrying was in our blood. Just one week before, one of my most pressing worries had been that I would drop my set of keys to the apartment onto the subway tracks. I was so obsessed with the precarious danger of it, I flirted with the idea of pitching the keys down there willingly, just to know what would happen. But if I did, I would have to sit on the stoop in front of our apartment building, keyless, until my mother returned home from work. I didn’t want to imagine what she would say, the pinched, disappointed shape her face would take.
I used to worry about the lone gray hairs I often saw sprouting from my mother’s head, terrified that she was showing signs of advanced and debilitating age. When she started to shut herself in the bathroom for hours at a time, talking quietly on the phone, I worried that she was hiding a horrible sickness from the rest of us. I pictured a devastating disease ripping her apart, her skin peeling off in curls, her heart blackening. When we received a catalogue from the Vitamin Shoppe in the mail, I put it by her plate at breakfast, convinced its glossy pages contained a miracle pill. But she pushed the catalogue aside. My father absently flipped through it instead, commenting on the high price of spirulina tablets and chromium picolinate diet pills. In all my what-if scenarios, I never envisioned my father physically ill. The dark hours he spent under the covers were due to something different, not sickness.
What had happened to my family a few days before this was something else entirely-something far bigger than anything I’d even dared to consider. But Mr Rice’s words made me think that maybe I didn’t have to worry about it after all.
The substitute’s shoulders slumped as he walked into the hall with the principal. As soon as the door shut, one of the fist-coughing boys snorted, ‘What a loser.’ Someone threw a balled-up piece of notebook paper at the alien spaceship. One by one, like dominoes falling over, everyone began to talk, to forget. I was the only one who didn’t laugh.
The following day, when my father told me that Claire Ryan and her mother were coming over to visit in a few minutes, I was struck dumb. Just because I was friends with someone a couple years ago didn’t mean we liked each other now. I thought my father understood this.
‘Claire?’ I shrieked. ‘Are you sure? Why?’
‘Her mother wants to talk to me, that’s why,’ my father explained. ‘And she’s bringing Claire because she thought it would be nice for you two to see each other again.’
The doorbell rang. I looked at my father. He was wearing plaid slippers and had the same Pfizer t-shirt he’d been wearing for days. Our house had magazines piled by the fireplace, empty soda bottles on the coffee table, and a crooked, undecorated Christmas tree in the corner, needles all over the floor. It was amazing how messy things could get in just two weeks.
When my father opened the door, Mrs Ryan looked right-perhaps a bit thinner, a little ragged, her blonde hair not as smoothly blow-dried as it used to be-but Claire was different entirely. Her eyes were the same, those blue-green eyes everyone used to be so jealous of. As was her thick blonde hair, the hair she used to toss over her shoulder so effortlessly, and her pretty, bow-shaped mouth, the mouth every boy wanted to kiss. But her cheeks were puffy. The rest of her body was, too.
I couldn’t stop staring. Look at the way her t-shirt clung to her arms! Look at the pink flesh around her neck! I actually gasped, although I tried to pass it off as a hiccup, hitting my chest for effect like I was working something down my esophagus. Everyone knew Claire was back from Paris and her parents were divorcing, but no one knew this.
Mrs Ryan looked at me. ‘Hi, Summer. It’s so nice to see you again.’
She pushed Claire forward. ‘Say hi, Claire.’
‘Hi,’ Claire mumbled.
‘How was France?’ my father cried. ‘You two look great.
Very European.’
He didn’t even notice how different Claire looked. My mother wouldn’t miss something like this.
My father asked me to take Claire to the roof to show her the view of the city, as if Claire hadn’t seen it thousands of times before. Although her view wasn’t from this side of the river anymore-what everyone also knew was that Mr Ryan was retaining his apartment on Pineapple Street in Brooklyn Heights, near us, and Mrs Ryan and Claire were renting a place in a mysterious Manhattan neighborhood called Alphabet City.
‘Go on,’ my father said, making a shooing motion with his hands.
When we reached the roof, Claire looked at the buildings across the East River. Back when we hung out a lot, we had names for each of the buildings we could see from my apartment-the tall pointy one was Lester, the squat one on the harbor was Fred, and the twin towers were Scooby-Doo and Shaggy, the only two characters on the show worth caring about. I glanced at Scooby-Doo-One World Trade-and counted twenty-two flights from the top and three windows over. My mother’s office. I’d never been inside it, but I was certain there was an official-looking name plaque on her desk, Meredith Heller-Davis. The room was still dark. I squinted hard, willing the light to come on.
Claire ran her finger along the edge of the charcoal grill. There was rust on it, but we used to cook out on the roof a lot. All four of us, my mother, father, my brother Steven and me, we would come up here and point at the boats and buildings and eat hamburgers. My father used to bring up a boom box and put on a bunch of old jazz tapes, even though my mother preferred music that, as she put it, ‘actually made sense.’ When it was time to eat, my dad turned his back and whipped up a condiment that he said was his Aunt Stella’s Famous Special Sauce. Once, I remarked that it tasted