Everyone Worth Knowing. Lauren Weisberger
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grateful for the chance to flee without talking to Aaron. ‘Bette, we’ll talk more later.’ And before I could say anything, she was gone.
‘Saaaaaaaay, Bette?’
‘Yes, Aaron?’ He sounded so much like Lumbergh from Office Space that it would have been funny had I not been on the receiving end of his ‘suggestions.’
‘Weeeeell, I was just wondering if you had a chance to read today’s quote of the day?’ He gave a loud, phlegmy cough and raised his eyebrows at me.
‘Of course, Aaron, I have it right here. “Individual commitment to a group effort – that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.” Yeah, I have to say, that one really spoke to me.’
‘It did?’ He looked pleased. ‘That was yesterday’s, but I’m glad it had such impact.’
‘Sure. It was really appropriate. I learn a lot from all of them. Why? Is something wrong?’ I asked in my most ingratiatingly concerned tone.
‘Nothing’s wrong, per se, it’s just that I couldn’t find you for nearly ten minutes before, and while that doesn’t sound like much, I’m sure to Mrs Kaufman – who was waiting on an update – it feels like an eternity.’
‘An eternity?’
‘I just don’t think that when you’re away from your desk for such long periods of time that you can adequately be providing our clients, like Mrs Kaufman, with the kind of attention we pride ourselves on here at UBS. Just a little something to think about for next time, okay?’
‘I’m really sorry. I was just picking up lunch.’
‘I know that, Bette. But I don’t have to remind you that company policy says employees shouldn’t be taking time out to pick it up. I have a whole drawer full of delivery menus if you’d care to look at them.’
I remained silent.
‘Oh, and Bette? I’m sure Penelope’s supervisor needs her just as much as I need you, so let’s try to keep those powwows to a minimum, okay?’ He flashed me the most patronizing smile imaginable, revealing thirty-seven years’ worth of splotchy, stained teeth, and I thought I’d vomit if he didn’t stop immediately. Ever since watching Girls Just Want to Have Fun for the first time when I was twelve, I’ve never been able to get Lynne Stone’s rumination out of my mind. She’s escorting Janey home after Janey skips choir practice to rehearse with Jeff (and of course gets caught by the evil, rotating-closet-owning bitch, Natalie), and she says, ‘Whenever I’m in a room with a guy, no matter who it is – a date, my dentist, anybody – I think, “If we were the last two people on earth, would I puke if he kissed me?’’ ’ Well, thanks to Lynne, I can’t help wondering it, either; the unfortunate outcome, though, is that I envisioned myself kissing Aaron and felt ill.
‘Okay? How does that sound?’ He shifted nervously from foot to foot and I wondered how this anxious, socially inept man had managed to climb at least three levels above me in the corporate hierarchy. I’d watched clients physically recoil when he went to shake their hands, and yet he glided up the ladder like it was lubricated in the very oil he used to slick back his few remaining strands of hair.
All I wanted was for him to disappear, but I made a crucial miscalculation. Rather than just agreeing and going back to my lunch, I said, ‘Are you unhappy with my performance, Aaron? I try really hard, but you always seem displeased.’
‘I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy with your performance, Bette. I think you’re doing, well, um, just fine around here. But we all seek to self-improve now, don’t we? As Winston Churchill once said—’
‘Just fine? That’s like describing someone as “interesting” or saying a date was “nice.” I work eighty-hour weeks, Aaron. I give my entire life to UBS.’ It was useless to try to highlight my dedication in an hours-worked formula since Aaron beat me by at least fifteen hours every single week, but it was true: I worked damn hard when I wasn’t shopping online, talking to Will on the phone, or sneaking out to meet Penelope for lunch.
‘Bette, don’t be so sensitive. With a little more willingness to learn and perhaps a bit more attention paid to your clients, I think you’ve got the potential to get promoted. Just keep the powwows to a minimum and really throw your heart into your work and the results will be immeasurable.’
I watched the spittle form on his thin lips as he mouthed his favorite phrase, and something inside me snapped. There was no angel on one shoulder or devil on the other, no mental list of pros and cons or quick scans of potential consequences, ramifications, or backup plans. No solid thoughts of any sort whatsoever – just an all-pervasive sense of calm and determination, coupled with a deep understanding that I simply could not tolerate one additional second of the present situation.
‘All right, Aaron. No more powwows for me – ever. I quit.’
He looked confused for a minute before he realized I was completely serious. ‘You what?’
‘Please consider this my two weeks’ notice,’ I said with a confidence that was beginning to waver slightly.
Appearing to consider this for a minute, he wiped his sweaty brow and furrowed it a few times. ‘That won’t be necessary,’ he said quietly.
It was my turn to be confused. ‘I appreciate it, Aaron, but I really do have to leave.’
‘I meant that the two weeks won’t be necessary. We shouldn’t have much trouble finding someone, Bette. There are loads of qualified people out there who actually want to work here, if you can imagine that. Please discuss the details of your departure with HR and have your things packed by the end of the day. And good luck with whatever you’ll be doing next.’ He forced a tight smile and walked away, seeming self-assured for the first time in the five years I’d worked for him.
Thoughts swirled in my head, coming too fast and from too many directions for me to actually process them. Aaron had balls – who knew! I’d just quit my job. Quit it. With no forethought or planning. Must tell Penelope. Penelope engaged. How would I get all my stuff home? Could I still charge a car to the company? Could I collect unemployment? Would I still come to midtown just for the kebabs? Should I burn all my skirt suits in a ceremonial living-room bonfire? Millington will be so happy to hit the dog run in the middle of the day! Middle of the day. I would get to watch The Price Is Right all the time if I wanted. Why hadn’t I thought of this before?
I stared at the screen a while longer, until the gravity of what had just happened settled in, and then I headed straight to the rest-room to freak out in the relative privacy of a stall. There was laid-back and there was plain fucking stupid, and this was quickly beginning to resemble the latter. I breathed a few times and tried uttering – coolly and casually – my new mantra, but whatever came out sounding like a choked cry as I wondered what the hell I’d done.
‘Christ, Bette, it’s not like you maimed someone. You quit your job. Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderful world of adult irresponsibility. Things don’t always go according to plan, you know?’ Simon was trying his best to soothe me while we waited for Will to get home because he couldn’t tell that I was already completely relaxed.
The last time I’d felt this zen, I thought, might have been the ashram retreat. ‘It’s just kind of eerie, not having any idea what to do next.’ It was that same involuntary calm-cum-paralysis.
Though I knew I should be more panicked, the last month had actually been pretty great. I’d intended to tell everyone about quitting, but when it came time to actually make the calls, I was overtaken by an all-consuming combination of ennui, laziness, and inertia. It’s not like I couldn’t tell people I quit – it was just a matter of dialing and announcing – but the effort of explaining my reasons for leaving (none) and discussing my game plan (nonexistent) seemed utterly overwhelming