Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-3. Louise Rennison
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me right on the open mouth. What if I had been sucking a Polo mint? I could have choked to death!! Also, he put his tongue in my mouth, which was a bit of a surprise... but then he did it again!!! He put his hand on my breast! What was I supposed to do? I hadn’t gone to breast classes. My arms were sort of hanging by my sides like an orang-utan when I remembered what whelk boy had said about putting your hands on someone’s waist, so I did that. He had one hand on my breast and one on my bottom. But just when I was thinking, What next? in the hand department, he stopped kissing me.
Was this a good moment to say he was dumped?
He said, “Look, Georgia, this is not personal or anything, but er... I think you are too young for me. I’m going back out with Ella because she lets me do things to her. Sorry, see you later.”
Midnight
See you later? Mark has had the cheek to dump me just as I was about to dump him! I’m never getting up again. Ella lets him do things to her... what things? Two hands on her breasts?
Wednesday December 16th
1:30 p.m.
Jas still not back. I’ll visit her after school.
4:15 p.m.
No reply at Jas’s house.
6:30 p.m.
Phoned Jas. Her mum said she couldn’t get to the phone as she is not very well. I said, “Is it the flu?” and her mum said, “Well, I don’t know, but she’s not eating.”
Not eating. Jas. Jas not eating. Things are bad. I said, “What, not even Pop-Tarts?” and her mum said, “No.”
Things are much worse than I thought.
Thursday December 17th
10:00 a.m.
Still no Jas. This is getting ridiculous.
1:30 p.m.
Jackie and Alison’s “latest thing” turns out to be so bonkers it is not even in the bonkers universe. We all had to go out into the freezing cold at the back of the tennis courts... I was surprised that Jackie knew where they were. I don’t think she’s ever been near the sports area before. Then Jackie told us what it was all about. “OK, this is what you do. You crouch down like this, then you start panting really hard and then you stand up and start running forward.”
I said, “Why?” and she looked at me and lit a fag. Tarty or what? She had a huge spot on her chin, it looked like a second nose. I’m not surprised her skin is so bad, it’s probably been covered in make-up since she was five.
She blew the smoke in my face and said, “When you run forward it makes you faint.”
Even Rosie, who usually doesn’t say much to Jackie, had to repeat this, “You faint?”
Jackie drew on her fag like she was dealing with the very, very stupid. She didn’t say anything, so eventually Rosie said, “Then what?”
Jackie totally lost it, then. “Look, four-eyes, think about how useful it can be to just faint when you want to... in assembly – faint, get taken out. In physics, when you haven’t done your homework – faint, get taken out... games... anything.”
Rosie is nothing if not stupid, so she kept going on. “Don’t you think someone might notice if we crouched down in assembly or physics and started panting and then ran forward?”
Jackie walked over to Rosie, and she is quite a big girl. Her breasts are sturdy-looking and she’s got big arms.
11:00 p.m.
I still feel a bit odd. I’m not going to be doing anything that Jackie and Alison say ever again. That is it. This stupid fainting thing is it. That is it. I did the panting and then stood up and started running and I did feel very faint, but not as faint as when I ran into Mr Attwood coming out of his hut. I may have broken my shin. Sadly Elvis was OK.
Friday December 18th
7:30 p.m.
Jas off all week. I’m worried about her now, she won’t even speak to me on the phone. Even when I pretended I was Santa Claus.
Friday December 25th
10:00 a.m.
Happy St Nicholas’s Day, one and all!!!
My fun-filled day started at five fifteen a.m. when Libby came in to give me my present, something made out of Playdough that had horrible, suspicious-looking brown bits in it. She said, “Tosser’s baby... ahhh,” and tucked it up into bed with me.
As we are “a bit strapped for cash” as Vati puts it (due to his inability to hold down a job in my opinion, but I didn’t say in case I spoiled Christmas even more) we could not have expensive presents. Mum and Dad got me CDs and make-up and leggings and trainers and undies and perfume, and I made Dad a lovely moustache holder which I think he will treasure.
I made Mum some homemade cosmetics out of egg yolks and stuff. She tried on the face pack and it gave her a bit of a rash, but on the whole livened up her complexion.
I made Libby a fairy costume, which was a big mistake as she spent the rest of the day changing us into things by whacking us with her wand. I had to be a “nice porky piggy” for about an hour. I never want to see a sausage again.
Jas phoned, but still isn’t venturing out – so no escaping “merry” Christmas with the family.
Angus looked nice in his tinsel crown until it annoyed him and he ate it. When we had our lunch Mum made him a special mouse-shaped lunch in his bowl out of Katto-meat. He ate its head and then sat in it. Heaven knows what goes on in his cat brain.
I think I may become a New Age person next year and celebrate the winter solstice by leaving my family and going to Stonehenge to dance with Druids. It couldn’t be more boring than watching my dad trying to make his new electric toothbrush work. However, there was a bright moment when he got it tangled up in his moustache.
Saturday December 26th
Noon
Quel dommage!! M and D have selfishly asked me to babysit Libby whilst they have “a last night out together”. Dad leaves for Whangamata on the 29th... sob, sob... and so as a brilliant treat he is taking Mum... to the pub!! With Uncle Eddie!!
If I was Mum I would have faked an accident, or if necessary had a real accident. A broken ankle would be a small price to pay to avoid Uncle Eddie’s version of “Agadoo”.
11:30 p.m.
Mum and Dad came crashing in, giggling. They were drunk. I was in bed TRYING to sleep but they have no consideration. I could hear them dancing around to “The Birdy Song”. They are sad.
Then they crept upstairs saying “Ssshhhh” really loudly. Mum gave a bit of a gasp when she came into my room because Libby was in bed with me but she had gone to sleep upside down so her feet were on the pillow next to me. Mum put her in her own bed, but then horror of horrors DAD RUFFLED MY HAIR. I pretended even harder to be asleep.
Sunday December 27th
11:00 a.m.
M and D still in bed. I will take their lovely young daughter Liberty in to them to chat.
2:00 p.m.
Going out. Dad’s given me a fiver to look after Libby.
Tuesday December 29th
8:00 p.m.
Vati left today. I must say even I had a bit of a cry. He went off in Uncle Eddie’s sidecar. We all waved him off. He says that he’ll ring when he gets to Whangamata. It takes two days to fly there – imagine that. I suppose it is the other side of the world. Mum is all glum and snivelling, so I bought her some Milk Tray. That made her cry more, so I don’t think I’ll do it again. Libby got her Angus’s bowl to cry into.