Journey’s End. Josephine Cox
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man, Ben had brought her alive, and at the same time made her more afraid than she had ever been. ‘I couldn’t bear it if I lost you, Ben.’
Ben held her close. He understood her fears, for didn’t he feel the very same? ‘When you love someone,’ the feel of her silky hair against his face was wonderful, ‘you have to take each day as it comes and live it to the full. The truth is, you have two choices, my darling: on the one side, you have to accept that there can never be a happy ending for one or the other of you … unless somehow you were to leave this earth at one and the same time.’
Mary had not thought of it that way, but now she realised how starkly true that was. ‘You said there were two choices?’
He nodded. ‘On the other hand, you can choose never to commit yourself to anyone. But if you do that, you will never know what it’s like to love someone the way your mother loved Barney, or the way we love each other.’ He slowly shook his head. ‘I wouldn’t want to miss out on what we have now.’
Mary had no doubts either. ‘I’d rather suffer pain and loneliness for part of my life, than never know what it was like to love you,’ she told him.
Holding her at arm’s length he was astonished to see the tears bright in her eyes. With the tip of his finger, he wiped them away. ‘You and I have been very lucky because somehow, we found each other. So, for the moment let’s just be grateful and, as I said, take each day as it comes.’
Having returned from his wanderings, Ben’s faithful old Labrador Chuck ran to meet them, excitedly yapping. ‘I think he’s trying to tell us something,’ Mary laughed.
Ben leaned down to pacify the animal. ‘All right, all right! Calm yourself down.’ Looking up to Mary he asked, ‘So, are you willing to give it a go? Do you want to help with the sheep?’
Never having done it before, Mary took a moment to answer, but when she did, it was with enthusiasm. ‘Very well. I’ll give it a go.’
‘I knew it!’ Ben exclaimed. ‘We’ll make a farmer of you yet.’
As it turned out, Mary had never enjoyed herself so much. The dog was a master at rounding up the sheep. ‘Gently now, boy!’ Ben kept him under control so as not to send the sheep into a run, which could damage the pregnant ewes.
In no time at all, the flock were teased into the pen, ready for Ben and Mary to weed out the more heavily pregnant sheep and release the others.
With great care and tenderness, though never losing authority, Ben examined each and every one. The heavily-pregnant ewes were given over to Mary, who then led them into the smaller adjoining pen which ran behind the field-gate, while one by one the others were returned to graze the main field.
When the flock had been sorted, Ben and Mary took a breather. ‘I’m proud of you,’ Ben told Mary. ‘You’re a born farmer’s wife.’
The twelve pregnant ewes were next ushered into the smaller paddock nearer to the homestead, where Ben could keep an eye on them. ‘I think we’ve earned a break,’ he yawned.
Mary agreed and the two of them made their way to the cottage, where they kicked off their boots, hung up their coats and washed the smell of sheep and muck off their hands.
Inside the cosy parlour, Ben soon had a cheery fire going, while in the kitchen Mary made the tea. She loved this pretty little place; with its low-beamed ceilings and big open stone fireplace, it was like a cottage you might find on a picture-postcard.
When the fire was roaring up the chimney and each of them had a warming drink, Ben sat in the armchair, while Mary curled up at his feet, her face aglow from the fire’s heat, and a contented smile on her face.
When she lapsed into a long silence, Ben leaned over her shoulder. ‘What’s wrong, sweetheart?’
Mary shook her head. ‘Nothing.’
But Ben knew different. ‘Hey! This is me you’re talking to. Something’s playing on your mind. If you’re worried, I’d like to know.’
Reaching up, she took hold of his hand. ‘I’m sorry, Ben.’ She didn’t want to spoil the moment, but she really did need to talk. ‘It’s something you said … about my parents. It’s been a year since we were told, and I still can’t take it all in – Barney sending his family away like that, making them hate him while all the time he was so ill, and in desperate need of them. And Mother, loving him like she did, when all the time he loved someone else.’
‘That must have been so hard for her,’ Ben remarked thoughtfully. ‘To work all the day long with someone you love, and to know that he only has eyes for his wife … although that’s exactly how it should be in a happy marriage.’
Mary had been thinking along the same lines. ‘It must have been Hell for her. And yet she stayed, content enough just to be near him.’
‘She and Barney were together in the end though,’ Ben reminded her. ‘And I for one am grateful for that, because if they hadn’t, then you would never have been born, and I would never have known you.’
‘What will she do, Ben? Will she ever bring herself to tell Barney’s other family what happened? Or will she leave them to live out their lives, in ignorance?’
Trusting him implicitly, she opened her heart. ‘I need to know where they are. I need to meet them and talk with them, about my father, and the way it was. I want them to know what he did for them … that he never stopped loving them, and that he sent them away because he didn’t want them to lose the opportunity of a new life in Boston by finding out that he was terminally ill.’
Since Adam had confided the truth, Mary had thought about little else. ‘Do you understand what I’m saying, Ben? Do you think it’s wrong for me to meet my other family … Thomas and Ronnie, and Susie? As for little Jamie, he was just a baby of two when he drowned, and Mum won’t talk about him. I have to know my roots, where I came from. I want to go back there, to Liverpool where it all happened!’
Her voice broke. ‘Oh Ben! If only I could remember clearly. Why won’t she take me there? Is she trying to protect me? Is she afraid I’ll be hurt by it all? But I’m hurting now, can’t she see that? Why doesn’t she understand that I desperately need to see where it all unfolded, if only to gain some peace of mind? I only know half the story and she won’t talk to me about it. I need to stand in the fields where they worked; I have to walk by the river where they fought to save little Jamie. I have to see where he lies and make my own peace with him.’
Taking her in his arms, Ben quietened her. ‘I know it’s hard, but it’s hard for your mother too. She lived through it, and now she’s having to live with the consequences of it all. Give her time. It will take a lot of strength for her to face it all again, but your mother is a strong, determined woman. She will go back. She will show you where it all happened, I know she will. Be patient, my darling. She needs to be sure; when the time comes for her to face all those demons, she’s bound to want you there beside her. Because you’re hers and Barney’s child, and because going back will be one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do.’
The two of them talked a while longer, until his embrace tightened and the kisses grew more urgent, and soon, right there on the rug, they made love for the very first time. It was a joyful, fulfilling experience, a bonding of heart and body, when the love between them was forged even stronger.
Afterwards, with passion melted and bodies exhausted, they lay in the warm glow of the fire, thinking and dreaming of their future together. They didn’t speak for a long time, because their hearts and minds were in harmony. There was no need for words.
After a time, while Mary was dressing, Ben ventured outside. A moment later, he was calling her. ‘MARY! Quickly – come and see!’
Not knowing what to expect, she ran out to find him beckoning to her, his face alight with excitement.
‘Look!’ He pointed to one of the ewes. Head down, almost on her knees, and with the whole