LORD JIM. Джозеф Конрад
Читать онлайн книгу.
after distributing fines and terms of imprisonment in the assault-and-battery case, would take up the awful weapon and smite his bowed neck. Our communion in the night was uncommonly like a last vigil with a condemned man. He was guilty too. He was guilty — as I had told myself repeatedly, guilty and done for; nevertheless, I wished to spare him the mere detail of a formal execution. I don’t pretend to explain the reasons of my desire — I don’t think I could; but if you haven’t got a sort of notion by this time, then I must have been very obscure in my narrative, or you too sleepy to seize upon the sense of my words. I don’t defend my morality. There was no morality in the impulse which induced me to lay before him Brierly’s plan of evasion — I may call it — in all its primitive simplicity. There were the rupees — absolutely ready in my pocket and very much at his service. Oh! a loan; a loan of course — and if an introduction to a man (in Rangoon) who could put some work in his way . . . Why! with the greatest pleasure. I had pen, ink, and paper in my room on the first floor And even while I was speaking I was impatient to begin the letter — day, month, yeu, 2.30 A.M. . . . for the sake of our old friendship I ask you to put some work in the way of Mr. James So-and-so, in whom, &c., &c. . . . I was even ready to write in that strain about him. If he had not enlisted my sympathies he had done better for himself — he had gone to the very fount and origin of that sentiment he had reached the secret sensibility of my egoism. I am concealing nothing from you, because were I to do so my action would appear more unintelligible than any man’s action has the right to be, and — in the second place — to-morrow you will forget my sincerity along with the other lessons of the past. In this transaction, to speak grossly and precisely, I was the irreproachable man; but the subtle intentions of my immorality were defeated by the moral simplicity of the criminal. No doubt he was selfish too, but his selfishness had a higher origin, a more lofty aim. I discovered that, say what I would, he was eager to go through the ceremony of execution, and I didn’t say much, for I felt that in argument his youth would tell against me heavily: he believed where I had already ceased to doubt. There was something fine in the wildness of his unexpressed, hardly formulated hope. “Clear out! Couldn’t think of it,” he said, with a shake of the head. “I make you an offer for which I neither demand nor expect any sort of gratitude,” I said; “you shall repay the money when convenient, and . . . ” “Awfully good of you,” he muttered without looking up. I watched him narrowly: the future must have appeared horribly uncertain to him; but he did not falter, as though indeed there had been nothing wrong with his heart. I felt angry — not for the first time that night. “The whole wretched business,” I said, “is bitter enough, I should think, for a man of your kind . . . ” “It is, it is,” he whispered twice, with his eyes fixed on the floor. It was heartrending. He towered above the light, and I could see the down on his cheek, the colour mantling warm under the smooth skin of his face. Believe me or not, I say it was outrageously heartrending. It provoked me to brutality. “Yes,” I said; “and allow me to confess that I am totally unable to imagine what advantage you can expect from this licking of the dregs.” “Advantage!” he murmured out of his stillness. “I am dashed if I do,” I said, enraged. “I’ve been trying to tell you all there is in it,” he went on slowly, as if meditating something unanswerable. “But after all, it is my trouble.” I opened my mouth to retort, and discovered suddenly that I’d lost all confidence in myself; and it was as if he too had given me up, for he mumbled like a man thinking half aloud. “Went away . . . went into hospitals. . . . Not one of them would face it. . . . They! . . . ” He moved his hand slightly to imply disdain. “But I’ve got to get over this thing, and I mustn’t shirk any of it or . . . I won’t shirk any of it.” He was silent. He gazed as though he had been haunted. His unconscious face reflected the passing expressions of scorn, of despair, of resolution — reflected them in turn, as a magic mirror would reflect the gliding passage of unearthly shapes. He lived surrounded by deceitful ghosts, by austere shades. “Oh! nonsense, my dear fellow,” I began. He had a movement of impatience. “You don’t seem to understand,” he said incisively; then looking at me without a wink, “I may have jumped, but I don’t run away.” “I meant no offence,” I said; and added stupidly, “Better men than you have found it expedient to run, at times.” He coloured all over, while in my confusion I half-choked myself with my own tongue. “Perhaps so,” he said at last, “I am not good enough; I can’t afford it. I am bound to fight this thing down — I am fighting it now.” I got out of my chair and felt stiff all over. The silence was embarrassing, and to put an end to it I imagined nothing better but to remark, “I had no idea it was so late,” in an airy tone. . . . “I dare say you have had enough of this,” he said brusquely: “and to tell you the truth” — he began to look round for his hat — “so have I.”
‘Well! he had refused this unique offer. He had struck aside my helping hand; he was ready to go now, and beyond the balustrade the night seemed to wait for him very still, as though he had been marked down for its prey. I heard his voice. “Ah! here it is.” He had found his hat. For a few seconds we hung in the wind. “What will you do after — after . . . ” I asked very low. “Go to the dogs as likely as not,” he answered in a gruff mutter. I had recovered my wits in a measure, and judged best to take it lightly. “Pray remember,” I said, “that I should like very much to see you again before you go.” “I don’t know what’s to prevent you. The damned thing won’t make me invisible,” he said with intense bitterness, — “no such luck.” And then at the moment of taking leave he treated me to a ghastly muddle of dubious stammers and movements, to an awful display of hesitations. God forgive him — me! He had taken it into his fanciful head that I was likely to make some difficulty as to shaking hands. It was too awful for words. I believe I shouted suddenly at him as you would bellow to a man you saw about to walk over a cliff; I remember our voices being raised, the appearance of a miserable grin on his face, a crushing clutch on my hand, a nervous laugh. The candle spluttered out, and the thing was over at last, with a groan that floated up to me in the dark. He got himself away somehow. The night swallowed his form. He was a horrible bungler. Horrible. I heard the quick crunch-crunch of the gravel under his boots. He was running. Absolutely running, with nowhere to go to. And he was not yet four-and-twenty.’
Chapter 14
‘I slept little, hurried over my breakfast, and after a slight hesitation gave up my early morning visit to my ship. It was really very wrong of me, because, though my chief mate was an excellent man all round, he was the victim of such black imaginings that if he did not get a letter from his wife at the expected time he would go quite distracted with rage and jealousy, lose all grip on the work, quarrel with all hands, and either weep in his cabin or develop such a ferocity of temper as all but drove the crew to the verge of mutiny. The thing had always seemed inexplicable to me: they had been married thirteen years; I had a glimpse of her once, and, honestly, I couldn’t conceive a man abandoned enough to plunge into sin for the sake of such an unattractive person. I don’t know whether I have not done wrong by refraining from putting that view before poor Selvin: the man made a little hell on earth for himself, and I also suffered indirectly, but some sort of, no doubt, false delicacy prevented me. The marital relations of seamen would make an interesting subject, and I could tell you instances. . . . However, this is not the place, nor the time, and we are concerned with Jim — who was unmarried. If his imaginative conscience or his pride; if all the extravagant ghosts and austere shades that were the disastrous familiars of his youth would not let him run away from the block, I, who of course can’t be suspected of such familiars, was irresistibly impelled to go and see his head roll off. I wended my way towards the court. I didn’t hope to be very much impressed or edified, or interested or even frightened — though, as long as there is any life before one, a jolly good fright now and then is a salutary discipline. But neither did I expect to be so awfully depressed. The bitterness of his punishment was in its chill and mean atmosphere. The real significance of crime is in its being a breach of faith with the community of mankind, and from that point of view he was no mean traitor, but his execution was a hole-and-corner affair. There was no high scaffolding, no scarlet cloth (did they have scarlet cloth on Tower Hill? They should have had), no awe-stricken multitude to be horrified