The Twelve Chairs / Двенадцать стульев. Книга для чтения на английском языке. Илья Ильф
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found, and no key with which to open it. He did not even have a coat. The young man entered the town in a green suit tailored to fit at the waist and an old woollen scarf wound several times around his powerful neck. On his feet were patent-leather boots with orange-coloured suede uppers. He had no socks on. The young man carried an astrolabe.
Approaching the market, he broke into a song: «O, Bayadere, tum-ti-ti, tum-ti-ti».
In the market he found plenty going on. He squeezed into the line of vendors selling wares spread out on the ground before them, stood the astrolabe in front of him and began shouting:
«Who wants an astrolabe? Here's an astrolabe going cheap. Special reduction for delegations and women's work divisions!»
At first the unexpected supply met with little demand; the delegations of housewives were more interested in obtaining commodities in short supply and were milling around the cloth and drapery stalls. A detective from the Stargorod criminal investigation department passed the astrolabe-vendor twice, but since the instrument in no way resembled the typewriter stolen the day before from the Central Union of Dairy Cooperatives, the detective stopped glaring at the young man and passed on.
By lunchtime the astrolabe had been sold to a repairman for three roubles.
«It measures by itself», he said, handing over the astrolabe to its purchaser, «provided you have something to measure».
Having rid himself of the calculating instrument, the happy young man had lunch in the Tasty Corner snack bar, and then went to have a look at the town. He passed along Soviet Street, came out into Red Army Street (previously Greater Pushkin Street), crossed Cooperative Street and found himself again on Soviet Street. But it was not the same Soviet Street from which he had come. There were two Soviet Streets in the town. Greatly surprised by this fact, the young man carried on and found himself in Lena Massacre Street (formerly Denisov Street). He stopped outside no. 28, a pleasant two-storeyed private house, which bore a sign saying:
USSR RSFSR SECOND SOCIAL SECURITY HOME
OF THE STAR-PROV-INS-AD
and requested a light from the caretaker, who was sitting by the entrance on a stone bench.
«Tell me, dad», said the young man, taking a puff, «are there any marriageable young girls in this town?
The old caretaker did not show the least surprise.
„For some a mare'd be a bride,“ he answered, readily striking up a conversation.
„I have no more questions,“ said the young man quickly. And he immediately asked one more: „A house like this and no girls in it?“
„It's a long while since there've been any young girls here,“ replied the old man. „This is a state institution-a home for old-age women pensioners“.
„I see. For ones born before historical materialism?“
„That's it. They were born when they were born“.
„And what was here in the house before the days of historical materialism?“
„When was that?“
„In the old days. Under the former regime“.
„Oh, in the old days my master used to live here“.
„A member of the bourgeoisie“)»
«Bourgeoisie yourself! I told you. He was a marshal of the nobility».
«You mean he was from the working class?»
«Working class yourself! He was a marshal of the nobility».
The conversation with the intelligent caretaker so poorly versed in the class structure of society might have gone on for heaven knows how long had not the young man got down to business.
«Listen, granddad», he said, «what about a drink?»
«All right, buy me one!»
They were gone an hour. When they returned, the caretaker was the young man's best friend.
«Right, then, I'll stay the night with you», said the newly acquired friend.
«You're a good man. You can stay here for the rest of your life if you like».
Having achieved his aim, the young man promptly went down into the caretaker's room, took off his orange-coloured boots, and, stretching out on a bench, began thinking out a plan of action for the following day.
The young man's name was Ostap Bender. Of his background he would usually give only one detail. «My dad», he used to say, «was a Turkish citizen». During his life this son of a Turkish citizen had had many occupations. His lively nature had prevented him from devoting himself to any one thing for long and kept him roving through the country, finally bringing him to Stargorod without any socks and without a key, apartment, or money.
Lying in the caretaker's room, which was so warm that it stank, Ostap Bender weighed up in his mind two possibilities for a career.
He could become a polygamist and calmly move on from town to town, taking with him a suitcase containing his latest wife's valuables, or he could go the next day to the Stargorod Commission for the Improvement of Children's Living Conditions and suggest they undertake the popularization of a brilliantly devised, though yet unpainted, picture entitled «The Bolsheviks Answer Chamberlain» based on Repin's famous canvas «The Zaporozhe Cossacks Answer the Sultan». If it worked, this possibility could bring in four hundred or so roubles.
The two possibilities had been thought up by Ostap during his last stay in Moscow. The polygamy idea was conceived after reading a law-court report in the evening paper, which clearly stated that the convicted man was given only a two-year sentence, while the second idea came to Bender as he was looking round the Association of Revolutionary Artists' exhibition, having got in with a free pass.
Both possibilities had their drawbacks, however. To begin a career as a polygamist without a heavenly grey polka-dot suit was unthinkable. Moreover, at least ten roubles would be needed for purposes of representation and seduction. He could get married, of course, in his green field-suits, since his virility and good looks were absolutely irresistible to the provincial belles looking for husbands, but that would have been, as Ostap used to say, «poor workmanship». The question of the painting was not all plain sailing either. There might be difficulties of a purely technical nature. It might be awkward, for instance, to show Comrade Kalinin in a fur cap and white cape, while Comrade Chicherin was stripped to the waist. They could be depicted in ordinary dress, of course, but that would not be quite the same thing.
«It wouldn't have the right effect!» said Ostap aloud.
At this point he noticed that the caretaker had been prattling away for some time, apparently reminiscing about the previous owner of the house.
«The police chief used to salute him…. I'd go and wish him a happy new year, let's say, and he'd give me three roubles. At Easter, let's say, he'd give me another three roubles…. Then on his birthday, let's say. In a year I'd get as much as fifteen roubles from wishing him. He even promised to give me a medal. ‘I want my caretaker to have a medal,' he used to say. That's what he would say: „Tikhon, consider that you already have the medal.“»
«And did he give you one?»
«Wait a moment…. I don't want a caretaker without a medal,' he used to say. He went to St. Petersburg to get me a medal. Well, the first time it didn't work out. The officials didn't want to give me one. „The Tsar,“ he used to say, „has gone abroad. It isn't possible just now.“ So the master told me to wait. „Just wait a bit, Tikhon,“ he used to say, „you'll get your medal.“»
«And what happened to this master of yours? Did they bump him off?»
«No one bumped him off. He went away. What was the good of him staying here with the soldiers? … Do they give medals to caretakers nowadays?»
«Certainly. I can arrange one for you».
The caretaker looked at Bender with veneration.
«I can't be without one. It's that kind of work».
«Where