The Truth About Sex A Sex Primer for the 21st Century Volume I: Sex and the Self. Gloria G. Brame
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self-experiments are entirely normal. They go along with our innate curiosity about our bodies’ reactions to stimulants and our inborn cravings for variety. It’s typical for us to experiment with soft sensations, such as the way rose petals or silks feel on our skin. It’s also typical to experiment with intense sensations, such as pinching or slapping ourselves during masturbation. All such experiments are natural impulses to explore the boundaries of our innate sensuality, and determine which sets of sensations give us the most pleasure. Individual biology accounts for what places will feel best, while hormones, aging, emotional issues, and physical illness all alter sensitivity and sexual responsiveness throughout our lives.
Carl P. started masturbating when he was about fourteen, and engaged in the typical stroking behavior. But even at that young age, he didn’t find the stroking to be enough sensation for him. His masturbation always involved some other sensual element: either he handled his penis roughly, or pinched his own nipples, or he attached clothespins to his scrotum or all of the above. As enjoyable as he found the stroking, he needed the additional stimuli to climax. Some might call Carl a sensation junkie; others might call him a masochist. As a sexologist, I just consider Carl to be a guy who has a high natural drive for intense sensation. When I asked Carl about his other interests I learned he was passionate about extreme sports. He was also the guy who ordered the spiciest dish on the menu when he went out with friends. He proudly admitted he’d won a few “bet that’s too hot for you to eat” wagers in his time. I wasn’t surprised to discover that his social identity mirrored his sexual identity.
From a sexological point of view, the sexually healthiest person is the one who enjoys exploring his or her full potential for pleasure. Culturally, we poke fun at masturbation and mock those who invest in a lot of sex toys or, worse, question their character, as if the pursuit of sexual ecstasy is, in itself, morally degrading.
To a sexologist, it’s the opposite: the most sexually balanced people are the ones who are least confined by assumptions and expectations about what they “should” like and, instead, take the organic approach by simply testing themselves to see what they actually do like. I’ve occasionally remarked that the most perverse type of sexuality is when someone believes they have to perform a particular act that turns them off again, or when they settle on one method of giving or receiving pleasure and never again vary from it.
People who masturbate in only one specific way for their entire lives — never varying the routine, never discovering whether another spot on his or her body could be a source of sensuality — miss out on the greatest part of sexuality: the delight of variety. If you think about every other area of human life — music, food, beverages — variety is the rule. How often do you find yourself at a stranger’s house and discover they use your favorite brands of shampoo, toothpaste and soap? To believe in one monolithic model of how, when and how often to masturbate is as irrational as believing everyone is morally obligated to use Crest toothpaste on their teeth and Ivory soap in the shower.
Indeed, the person far most likely to develop problems with masturbation is the one who (a) does it the least and (b) does it the same exact way every time. Some adults have to retrain themselves when their masturbatory pattern has been so fixed for so long that they cannot get the kind of sensation they need from penetrative or other types of partnered sex. If you spend twenty years of your life only succeeding in climaxing from one single method of masturbation, your likelihood of making an easy shift to a partner-based sex life may be challenging because unless your partner can reproduce that exact same sensation, you may find it hard to come.
In nature — without inhibitions, taboos, traumas, and the collective weight of civilization — there is no doubt that nearly all human beings would experiment with every possible variety of self-pleasure. We want to feel good. We love things that taste good, smell good, look good, sound good, and feel good. If we were not raised to separate our pelvic region from the rest of our bodies, we would explore liberally, front and back, until we found exactly the right set of sensations that brought us the greatest level of sexual satisfaction. But we do not live in nature, so it is the rare individual who feels empowered to strive for enhanced sexual pleasure.
While circumstances can alter or deform the natural development of masturbatory instincts, the good news is that behaviors you learn can be unlearned. However, retraining yourself to orgasm from different stimuli requires a serious commitment to behavior modification. As I frequently remind clients, if you keep doing the same things, you’re going to get the same results. There are no absolute guarantees that behavioral modification will work, but I’ve yet to see a truly motivated client fail to make positive changes in his or her sex life.
Frank Z., a handsome man in his late 30s, grew up in a large family with virtually no privacy. As a teen, he developed a furtive method of masturbation, stroking quickly, trying to bring himself to climax as fast as he could. He became expert at sliding his hand into his pants to rub himself off discreetly and tested himself a few times as a teen by doing so in public places, unnoticed. He’d long since given up the habit of public masturbation but still had a taste for fast sex — something which his lovers routinely complained about. Frank was a pragmatic, stoic guy: to him, orgasm was the only goal of sex. Privately, he sneered at “too much fooling around,” which he viewed as somewhat effeminate. He believed every man just wanted to get their rocks off with the least amount of bother and fuss.
In order for Frank to achieve a healthier, and more mutually satisfying sex life, he was going to have to slow down and learn to enjoy the journey. The challenge was to move him off his life-long habit of goal-oriented sex and focus on pleasure-oriented sex. Since he was neither shy nor inhibited about his body, I suggested that he relearn its possibilities by exploring sensations in every area except his penis. I told him to start with his toes and work his way up, inch by inch, front and back. He could do it with a partner or solo, in bed or in a relaxing bath. I encouraged him to give himself challenges: other than his penis, what was the most sensitive spot on his body? Although he found the exercises frustrating and even annoying at the beginning, he agreed to abstain from direct stimulation to his genitals for a week. During that time, his job was to figure out what other types of stimulation aroused him and whether any other sensations could bring him to climax. Since Frank worked in a hospital and was all too familiar with patients who were unable to give themselves direct stimulation, I suggested he imagine what it would be like if he was in their position: how would he go about deriving sexual pleasure if he could not quickly, effectively masturbate with his hand?
By refreshing his palette and directing him away from instant gratification, Frank discovered a world of new sensation he had not previously considered. It took only a few weeks before he was eager to explore these new understandings of his body with his lover, Don, who was stunned when Frank offered to turn the tables, and see which spots made him extra happy as well. Of course, there were still times when Frank liked to get off in a hurry but the better he became in bed, the more patient he grew and the more willing he was to let orgasm take a backseat to sensuality. When Don told him he had turned into a wonderfully versatile and skilled lover, Frank felt like a completely new, and much happier, man.
Another patient, John R., a newlywed in his mid 20s, was having difficulty adjusting to married sex because he kept expecting to feel all the same things he felt during masturbation when he made love to his wife, Kendra. Since boyhood, John had masturbated in one specific way and had inadvertently conditioned himself to climax from that one method — which involved a lot of tugging and rough sensation to his penis. After only six months of marriage, he was already locking himself in the bathroom to relieve his sexual tension. Although he was very attracted to Kendra, he was too embarrassed to admit what he liked and couldn’t bring himself to tell his beloved that their sex life didn’t satisfy him. Happily for him, Kendra was willing and eager to make changes and, at my recommendation, came with him to his next session. I recommended that they start out by simply exploring mutual masturbation — with him coaching her on the sensations he liked the most. Kendra wasn’t just a loving woman, she was a smart one with a strong dominant streak. She took to rough play like a duck to water, and quickly figured out the kinds of sensations that sent him through the roof. They were both shocked to realize how intense their chemistry could be once they gave themselves permission to reveal ALL their secrets. The more he told his wife about his hot buttons and