Bent Hope. Tim J Huff
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having the opportunity to stumble across them, and the time to enjoy them.
As I stood beneath the wooden beams of this tall memorial, looking over the steep concrete embankment onto the tracks, the rich smell of pipe smoke washed over me. I looked from side to side, but there was no one in sight. Still, the unmistakable smell did not subside. Finally, some fifty meters to my right, I spotted a red and white bag tied to a big stick bouncing off the metal balustrade. Immediately after, a pair of white knuckles emerged, clinging to the railing. Then an elbow. Then the top of tartan cap. Every few seconds I could hear the sounds of faint grunting. Then another elbow and two scrawny shoulders appeared. And finally, with a giant thrust, he tumbled over the barrier. He had found the only place along the corridor where a person could take a running jump from the ditch and shimmy their way out of the railway yard. He stood up slowly, brushed the dust from his pants, shook off his cap, secured the pipe between his teeth with pride and, shouldering his belongings like a soldier with a rifle, he began towards me.
“Hey-ho” was the first thing out of his mouth once he reached me. While I was startled by the way he popped out of nowhere, he was nonchalant, acting as though he had been expecting me there, and without pause began rambling to me—a total stranger—about the joys of pipe smoking. Something jovial and sincere about how the calming effects far outweigh the physical consequences. He was hilarious.
After several nods, chuckles and an affirming smile, I introduced myself. He responded brightly, “And my name is Smoothy. Spelled however you like, as long as you say it kindly.”
“Don’t care much for the city,” he went on, without hesitation. “Believe it or not, it’s harder for me to fit in in a big city of three million than it is in a small town of three hundred. It ain’t the numbers, y’see. Fitting in ain’t about numbers.”
I wrote the words on my hand, then and there, to be sure I would not forget them. Fitting in ain’t about numbers. All my years of attending youth development conferences and special courses, and no one had said anything as profound as this young drifter in his first five minutes.
I spent the rest of the day with Smoothy. A great gift of a day, stuffed with intriguing stories, and plenty of belly laughs. We sat in the shade of two dozen pine trees, meticulously dropped in rows at the corner of Spadina Avenue and Blue Jays Way, drank grape soda and ate Ritz crackers. Picnic items compliments of Smoothy, mysteriously prearranged for today’s leg of his adventure.
He could sputter out five or six run-on sentences in a row, laugh for an additional ten seconds and take a long drag from his pipe before ever needing to inhale. Every story was buttoned up with countless elbow nudges and just-between-you-and-me winks. And still, somewhere in the telling of each saga, a hint of hurt would poke its head out and duck away as though afraid of the light. His leprechaun smile and quick wit were both his defense and his offense. But wrapped tightly by a patchwork quilt of one-liners, puns and semi-famous quotes was the concealed travelogue of a boy running from a pain too great to stop and face.
When I asked his real name, he told me “Smoothy is my real name. My ma gave me a different one, but she never knew me, so it didn’t stick. But some old prairie dog hobos gave me this one, glad to meet me when I showed up with tobacco, apple moonshine and a box of Fudgeos to share.” He spoke as though reading from an old movie script. He never did tell me his real name. Or, for that matter, where he had originally come from.
Growing up next to train tracks in Weston, I had always had affection for the sights and sounds of the rails. I spent an entire childhood hacking around with my friends on the tracks—laying out pennies and chestnuts to be crushed, playing chicken on the overpasses and sneaking onto open boxcars. For me, the clatter of passing trains and the whistle blowing was a comforting sound. It still is. The familiar sound of being at home.
In July and August, when it was really hot and all the windows were wide open all night long, I used to lay awake and time the trains, or try to count the cars by sound. Every two clacks was a single freight car passing by the open fence at the end of the street. Three quick clacks came from each of the cars on the passenger trains. I used to drift off to sleep imagining where they might be going, who might be on them and what it would be like where they finally stopped.
As un-epic as my tales were next to his, I shared these memories with Smoothy. Surprisingly, he listened without a saying a word. Very quietly. Very intently. At first I thought he was just being kind and trying to respect my own appreciation for the adventure and imagination of locomotive travel. But when I was done talking he asked me about something in my story that had nothing at all to do with trains or tracks.
“Were they big windows?” he asked.
I was perplexed by his question. “What windows?”
“In your room,” he said softly, “…the ones kept open in July and August. Were they big windows?”
“Um, well ya,” I stuttered back, “the windows in my room were big, but the part that opened with the screen was kinda small.” I was baffled by the strange detour in the conversation.
“Was it your room? I mean your very own room?” he dug deeper.
“Well, sort of. I shared it with my brother when I was little,” I replied.
“Oh, but still, not with the furnace or the washing machine or anything, right? Just your stuff, right? Did you have your own stuff? Like, what kind of stuff?” He began to burst with strange and detailed questions, longing to hear about my childhood bedroom.
My stories of imagining train travels were lost on him the instant I mentioned having a bedroom. My room. My place of childhood belonging. A place I dreamed and wished and imagined from, like most children. A place where, most of all, I was safe.
My moment had come. “Did you have a room as a kid?”
Lost in the moment, he answered before he meant to. “Well, I guess, well, not really. A small space in the basement. No windows though. No way out until the door was unlock….” Before he finished the word, he stopped, recognizing that he was saying much more than he had ever intended.
“Never mind,” he cleared his throat.
“Anyway,” he continued in an about-face manner, “I sleep under the stars now. The sky is my window, and I come and go as I please.”
While tragedies and atrocities occur around the world, packaged for our convenience in sound-bite morsels on the evening news, there are households in every community here at home filled with their own silent horrors. Not squabbles and struggles. Those are the property of every household and every relationship. But horrors, true horrors. The streets are filled with people, young and old, who carry the haunts of indignity, humiliation, embarrassment and abuse in the creases of their hearts and minds. It is unimaginable to most people that anyone would lock their child in the bare blackness of the basement. But still, it happens. Despite the assumption that it wouldn’t happen on my street or your street, still, it happens on someone’s street.
George Bernard Shaw once said, “I never thought much of the courage of the lion tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.” But there are some, like Smoothy, who have had to live through terror both inside and outside of that cage.
And this is why—all faith persuasions and alternative logic aside—I can only believe that God is the only hope any of us has for complete healing. Or at least as complete as possible in this lifetime. Because only he will ever know our deepest hurts and darkest secrets, and the tortures a soul has endured while on earth.
It is incredible the things most of us take for granted. Plain old things like breakfast cereal in a clean bowl, a clothing basket full of fresh laundry, a clean towel after a hot shower, framed pictures of a family holiday. Or even a small sliding window and an unlocked door. The list is endless. Things that a boy dubbed Smoothy would never take for granted, then or now.
As twilight fell and the fast and furious exchanges slowed, Smoothy dropped his guard completely. He fell asleep beneath the pines. Another gift to me—the trust that he could rest in my presence and know that he was safe. I sat at his side