Virginian, The The. Owen Wister
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humorous husband, and any chance visitor who stopped for a meal or stayed the night.
I was not called by my name after the first feeble etiquette due to a stranger in his first few hours had died away. I was known simply as “the tenderfoot.” I was introduced to the neighborhood (a circle of eighty miles) as “the tenderfoot.” It was thus that Balaam, the maltreater of horses, learned to address me when he came a two days’ journey to pay a visit. And it was this name and my notorious helplessness that bid fair to end what relations I had with the Virginian. For when Judge Henry ascertained that nothing could prevent me from losing myself, that it was not uncommon for me to saunter out after breakfast with a gun and in thirty minutes cease to know north from south, he arranged for my protection. He detailed an escort for me; and the escort was once more the trustworthy man! The poor Virginian was taken from his work and his comrades and set to playing nurse for me. And for a while this humiliation ate into his untamed soul. It was his lugubrious lot to accompany me in my rambles, preside over my blunders, and save me from calamitously passing into the next world. He bore it in courteous silence, except when speaking was necessary. He would show me the lower ford, which I could never find for myself, generally mistaking a quicksand for it. He would tie my horse properly. He would recommend me not to shoot my rifle at a white-tailed deer in the particular moment that the outfit wagon was passing behind the animal on the further side of the brush. There was seldom a day that he was not obliged to hasten and save me from sudden death or from ridicule, which is worse. Yet never once did he lose his patience and his gentle, slow voice, and apparently lazy manner remained the same, whether we were sitting at lunch together, or up in the mountain during a hunt, or whether he was bringing me back my horse, which had run away because I had again forgotten to throw the reins over his head and let them trail.
“He’ll always stand if yu’ do that,” the Virginian would say. “See how my hawss stays right quiet yondeh.”
After such admonition he would say no more to me. But this tame nursery business was assuredly gall to him. For though utterly a man in countenance and in his self-possession and incapacity to be put at a loss, he was still boyishly proud of his wild calling, and wore his leather straps and jingled his spurs with obvious pleasure. His tiger limberness and his beauty were rich with unabated youth; and that force which lurked beneath his surface must often have curbed his intolerance of me. In spite of what I knew must be his opinion of me, the tenderfoot, my liking for him grew, and I found his silent company more and more agreeable. That he had spells of talking, I had already learned at Medicine Bow. But his present taciturnity might almost have effaced this impression, had I not happened to pass by the bunk-house one evening after dark, when Honey Wiggin and the rest of the cow-boys were gathered inside it.
That afternoon the Virginian and I had gone duck shooting. We had found several in a beaver dam, and I had killed two as they sat close together; but they floated against the breastwork of sticks out in the water some four feet deep, where the escaping current might carry them down the stream. The Judge’s red setter had not accompanied us, because she was expecting a family.
“We don’t want her along anyways,” the cow-puncher had explained to me. “She runs around mighty irresponsible, and she’ll stand a prairie-dog ‘bout as often as she’ll stand a bird. She’s a triflin’ animal.”
My anxiety to own the ducks caused me to pitch into the water with all my clothes on, and subsequently crawl out a slippery, triumphant, weltering heap. The Virginian’s serious eyes had rested upon this spectacle of mud; but he expressed nothing, as usual.
“They ain’t overly good eatin’,” he observed, tying the birds to his saddle. “They’re divers.”
“Divers!” I exclaimed. “Why didn’t they dive?”
“I reckon they was young ones and hadn’t experience.”
“Well,” I said, crestfallen, but attempting to be humorous, “I did the diving myself.”
But the Virginian made no comment. He handed me my double-barrelled English gun, which I was about to leave deserted on the ground behind me, and we rode home in our usual silence, the mean little white-breasted, sharp-billed divers dangling from his saddle.
It was in the bunk-house that he took his revenge. As I passed I heard his gentle voice silently achieving some narrative to an attentive audience, and just as I came by the open window where he sat on his bed in shirt and drawers, his back to me, I heard his concluding words, “And the hat on his haid was the one mark showed yu’ he weren’t a snappin’-turtle.”
The anecdote met with instantaneous success, and I hurried away into the dark. The next morning I was occupied with the chickens. Two hens were fighting to sit on some eggs that a third was daily laying, and which I did not want hatched, and for the third time I had kicked Em’ly off seven potatoes she had rolled together and was determined to raise I know not what sort of family from. She was shrieking about the hen-house as the Virginian came in to observe (I suspect) what I might be doing now that could be useful for him to mention in the bunk-house.
He stood awhile, and at length said, “We lost our best rooster when Mrs. Henry came to live hyeh.”
I paid no attention.
“He was a right elegant Dominicker,” he continued.
I felt a little riled about the snapping-turtle, and showed no interest in what he was saying, but continued my functions among the hens. This unusual silence of mine seemed to elicit unusual speech from him.
“Yu’ see, that rooster he’d always lived round hyeh when the Judge was a bachelor, and he never seen no ladies or any persons wearing female gyarments. You ain’t got rheumatism, seh?”
“Me? No.”
“I reckoned maybe them little odd divers yu’ got damp goin’ afteh—” He paused.
“Oh, no, not in the least, thank you.”
“Yu’ seemed sort o’ grave this mawnin’, and I’m cert’nly glad it ain’t them divers.”
“Well, the rooster?” I inquired finally.
“Oh, him! He weren’t raised where he could see petticoats. Mrs. Henry she come hyeh from the railroad with the Judge afteh dark. Next mawnin’ early she walked out to view her new home, and the rooster was a-feedin’ by the door, and he seen her. Well, seh, he screeched that awful I run out of the bunk-house; and he jus’ went over the fence and took down Sunk Creek shoutin’ fire, right along. He has never come back.”
“There’s a hen over there now that has no judgment,” I said, indicating Em’ly. She had got herself outside the house, and was on the bars of a corral, her vociferations reduced to an occasional squawk. I told him about the potatoes.
“I never knowed her name before,” said he. “That runaway rooster, he hated her. And she hated him same as she hates ‘em all.”
“I named her myself,” said I, “after I came to notice her particularly. There’s an old maid at home who’s charitable, and belongs to the Cruelty to Animals, and she never knows whether she had better cross in front of a street car or wait. I named the hen after her. Does she ever lay eggs?”
The Virginian had not “troubled his haid” over the poultry.
“Well, I don’t believe she knows how. I think she came near being a rooster.”
“She’s sure manly-lookin’,” said the Virginian. We had walked toward the corral, and he was now scrutinizing Em’ly with interest.
She was an egregious fowl. She was huge and gaunt, with great yellow beak, and she stood straight and alert in the manner of responsible people. There was something wrong with her tail. It slanted far to one side, one feather in it twice as long as the rest. Feathers on her breast there were none. These had been worn entirely off by her habit of sitting upon potatoes and other rough abnormal objects. And this lent to her appearance an air of being décollete, singularly at variance with her otherwise prudish ensemble. Her eye was remarkably bright, but somehow it had an outraged