Death, Beauty, Struggle. Margaret Trawick
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fasting. But I did not think that the god would come into my person. Then the priest of that town decorated the image of the mother and called her, trying to make her come into someone’s person.18 She did not come. She did not come upon anyone’s person. I thought, “O Mother, who are you? Are you a god? If you are a real god, you have to come into anybody’s, somebody’s person.” So saying, we prayed. When we prayed, in my family she came upon my person only. When she came, no one believed. Everyone said it was a demon that was in my person. Not a god. Everyone said there was a demon in my person, there was no god in my person, they said.19 Then the mother said, “If you want to know whether I am a demon or a god, put fire in my hand and see. If I am a god, I will carry that fire.”
Thus speaking, I held that fire, and put it on my head.20 Then they said it was a god. Everyone believed. From then on, for this many years, if anyone had a demon, or if there was a sickness in the body, or if they were without children, for everybody she would cure it.
After that, ten children were born to me. Six girls, four boys were born. After Māriamman came, five children were born. When Māriamman came into my person, she said, “For five more years only you will have a married life. You may be with your husband. For this long, children will be born. If you have more than five [more] children, I will have no more connection with you. In the family, without a single desire or attachment to your husband or children, I myself will come to your house, I myself will suddenly come. To you I will give in this way my tangled hair and my appearance and all.”
That is what that mother said. I must not cook in the family. I must not serve meals to a group of people. I must not go to a wedding. If anyone dies, I must not go to that. My whole body will catch fire and burn. After that, however we want to be, that way we will be. I do not put on wet [ritually pure] clothes, I have no Sanskrit Veda, I have no learning.21 I do not know what that mother’s history is. I do not know. But she, for everybody, whatever history they want her to tell, whatever cure or atonement they want her to give, whoever has whatever disease of the body, for all of that she will make a way.
[Interviewer asks if she remembers afterward what occurs during the state of possession.]
There is no recollection. If that mother comes, and after an hour says, “Will you ask anything?”—that I know. But when words are said, they come to me only in the form of feeling. I know that we say these words, but afterward, how we say them, how it happens, that I do not know. The feeling of it comes.22 The feeling comes, when she ways, “I will protect you,” that feeling comes to me.23 Then the thought comes to me, “We spoke this way—will it be true?” But it will be true.
In dreams she will come directly. She has come countless times. Just the day before yesterday she came. That temple must be built. It is this kind of very small place. Everyone brought stones and cement. I was thinking, “By means of whom will this be carried out for me?” The place you are in now, can it be like this, without convenience for the people who come and go? Then she came, wearing a white sari, making a lap like this she was seated, holding a pot.
She said, “This pot will only fill halfway. No one in the world can fill this pot to the brim. If you pour gold, if you pour silver, if you pour rice, it will only fill this much. It will not fill completely.24 Don’t you worry. I am having a person make preparations. They will come and build this temple. Don’t you feel sad. I am going to do good for everybody. Therefore I will make a group of people come, I will build and give you a temple.” Thus that mother spoke.
[Where will the new temple be?]
This same one! This here! This here! It looks like we are building something of stone, doesn’t it? Everyone bought cement and gave it. A few people, five, then, a hundred, two hundred, everybody put some. We are keeping it all in one place. But how to build a temple? Can I build it? I am living with eight children. Only one person is earning. I give them food, I buy clothes and things for the children, I have given three daughters in marriage, I have to see to that. How can I alone build a house? My husband gets a hundred, two hundred rupees salary. Can we eat on two hundred rupees? A group of people I have made better and done good for. For that, if everything is built and given, okay. If there is power [śakti], anything will happen. If there is power, it will happen by itself.
[What is power?]
She asks what is power. An illness comes … Now what have you come here for? You have come for research. If you go thinking of that mother, you will complete all your research perfectly. “O Mother, you must make everything happen. When I go, whatever you want me to do I will do.” If you pray like this, whatever you need, she will do and give. Then you, following your wish, give me a gift. If I make everything better for you, you give what makes you happy. Then how, that gift, that is that mother’s power.25 It is the power given by that mother. I could do nothing. I have Māriamman herself. Karumāriamman. All power is one female only. Mothers have many names. For every town, a deity. For every deity, a name. For every name, a power. Some deities will not speak when they come into someone’s person. They will not open their mouths and speak. When they come into the person of other people they will speak. When Māriamman comes into someone else’s person, they will bite and eat a chicken. They will take camphor and put it in their mouth. She will not do all that in my person. That is a different power. But in my person, the power of that mother, whoever has a need, whatever is on your mind, she will say exactly. She will bring it about. There are different powers, but as long as she has been in my place, what has happened to me is just this.
[You said once before that you don’t eat meat?]
Yes, I must not eat it. The reason … I have suffered much trouble. In the year seventy, marrying off the eldest daughter, we suffered much difficulty.26 There was no food, there was no clothing, there was no comfort in the house, there was nothing. When I was suffering much difficulty, crying and crying and crying and crying, and I had to protect eight children, in this town there was no one of my heart.27 I was in a separate house. He had his religion; I had a separate religion. And so many children, three girls had come of age, the whole group of children had to eat, all were school children, I had to buy books for school, I had to educate them, didn’t I?28 Then, with all those children, how to survive? At that time, from your country, from Germany, that woman came. Through her help, Vasanti was educated. But that woman went back to Germany.29 After that, only Vasanti was educated. She came to the front in her studies. But she only studied to the ninth grade. We did not have the means to educate her further. Thus having all these troubles, I was crying. We married off the eldest daughter and stayed in her husband’s house. He earned a salary, and for the sake of the children, eating only one meal a day, somehow we remained. Then my relatives all saw me and would not speak to me at all. “She has no money” [they said]. And with all these children, I was filthy; no relatives would come to my house. They would not even ask how I was doing. So much trouble I have suffered. I was alone with the children. Then Vasanti, Mallikā, Selvi [three of her daughters], and I went to work as construction laborers.30
Even before that, the mother was in my person. If someone’s body is unable, she will come and protect them, everyone. If someone has a trouble, she will make it better. One Friday I wept, “If you are like this, why are you sending me to such labor?” I bought some poison. I was going to give it to all the children and we would die. I would give it. We could not stay in that town. There was no one to help us. No one came forward to protect us. So instead of this slavery, we all must die, I thought. So I bought bedbug poison and was going to mix it in their coffee. Thus one day I carefully bought it, and put it away, and lay down to sleep. All three or four children, without even coffee, silently lay down to sleep. Then weeping I lay down.
Then a snake came by way of the rafter. There was a stick there—now we have a bigger house, then we had a small house—it came by way of the stick, it went to the place where that mother was, and circled her picture. Māriamman herself. First it was seen as a snake coming, then that disappeared, then like a little child, wearing a sari and a jacket, she came running pitter patter like a little child, wearing a necklace, with her hair all braided, and flowers, saying, “Don’t you cry. Tomorrow I will protect you, don’t you cry. Tomorrow a woman will come