Twelve Men. Theodore Dreiser
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made in China and brought for that purpose to the country in which they were. The Chinese who had worked for the builders of the Union Pacific had been supplied by this company, as I understood from Dick. In regard to all this Peter used to analyze and dispose of Dick’s self-generated romance with the greatest gusto, laughing the while and yet pretending to accept it all.
But there was one phase of all this which interested Peter immensely. Were there on sale in St. Louis any bits of jade, silks, needlework, porcelains, basketry or figurines of true Chinese origin? He was far more interested in this than in the social and economic sides of the lives of the Chinese, and was constantly urging Dick to take him here, there and everywhere in order that he might see for himself what of these amazing wonders were locally extant, leading Dick in the process a merry chase and a dog’s life. Dick was compelled to persuade nearly all of his boasted friends to produce all they had to show. Once, I recall, a collection of rare Chinese porcelains being shown at the local museum of art, there was nothing for it but that Dick must get one or more of his Oriental friends to interpret this, that and the other symbol in connection with this, that and the other vase—things which put him to no end of trouble and which led to nothing, for among all the local Chinese there was not one who knew anything about it, although they, Dick included, were not honest enough to admit it.
“You know, Dreiser,” Peter said to me one day with the most delicious gleam of semi-malicious, semi-tender humor, “I am really doing all this just to torture Dick. He doesn’t know a damned thing about it and neither do these Chinese, but it’s fun to haul ’em out there and make ’em sweat. The museum sells an illustrated monograph covering all this, you know, with pictures of the genuinely historic pieces and explanations of the various symbols in so far as they are known, but Dick doesn’t know that, and he’s lying awake nights trying to find out what they’re all about. I like to see his expression and that of those chinks when they examine those things.” He subsided with a low chuckle all the more disturbing because it was so obviously the product of well-grounded knowledge.
Another phase of this same humor related to the grand artistic, social and other forms of life to which Dick was hoping to ascend via marriage and which led him, because of a kind of anticipatory eagerness, into all sorts of exaggerations of dress, manners, speech, style in writing or drawing, and I know not what else. He had, as I have said, a “studio” in Broadway, an ordinary large, square upper chamber of an old residence turned commercial but which Dick had decorated in the most, to him, recherché or different manner possible. In Dick’s gilding imagination it was packed with the rarest and most carefully selected things, odd bits of furniture, objects of art, pictures, books—things which the ordinary antique shop provides in plenty but which to Dick, having been reared in Bloomington, Illinois, were of the utmost artistic import. He had vaulting ambitions and pretensions, literary and otherwise, having by now composed various rondeaus, triolets, quatrains, sonnets, in addition to a number of short stories over which he had literally slaved and which, being rejected by many editors, were kept lying idly and inconsequentially and seemingly inconspicuously about his place—the more to astonish the poor unsophisticated “outsider.” Besides it gave him the opportunity of posing as misunderstood, neglected, depressed, as becomes all great artists, poets, and thinkers.
His great scheme or dream, however, was that of marriage to an heiress, one of those very material and bovine daughters of the new rich in the West end, and to this end he was bending all his artistic thought, writing, dressing, dreaming the thing he wished. I myself had a marked tendency in this direction, although from another point of view, and speaking from mine purely, there was this difference between us: Dick being an artist, rather remote and disdainful in manner and decidedly handsome as well as poetic and better positioned than I, as I fancied, was certain to achieve this gilded and crystal state, whereas I, not being handsome nor an artist nor sufficiently poetic perhaps, could scarcely aspire to so gorgeous a goal. Often, as around dinnertime he ambled from the office arrayed in the latest mode—dark blue suit, patent leather boots, a dark, round soft felt hat, loose tie blowing idly about his neck, a thin cane in his hand—I was already almost convinced that the anticipated end was at hand, this very evening perhaps, and that I should never see him more except as the husband of a very rich girl, never be permitted even to speak to him save as an almost forgotten friend, and in passing! Even now perhaps he was on his way to her, whereas I, poor oaf that I was, was moiling here over some trucky work. Would my ship never come in? my great day never arrive? my turn? Unkind heaven!
As for Peter he was the sort of person who could swiftly detect, understand and even sympathize with a point of view of this kind the while he must laugh at it and his mind be busy with some plan of making a fol-de-rol use of it. One day he came into the city-room where I was working and bending over my desk fairly bursting with suppressed humor announced, “Gee, Dreiser, I’ve just thought of a delicious trick to play on Dick! Oh, Lord!” and he stopped and surveyed me with beady eyes the while his round little body seemed to fairly swell with pent-up laughter. “It’s too rich! Oh, if it just works out Dick’ll be sore! Wait’ll I tell you,” he went on. “You know how crazy he is about rich young heiresses? You know how he’s always ‘dressing up’ and talking and writing about marrying one of those girls in the West end?” (Dick was forever composing a short story in which some lorn but perfect and great artist was thus being received via love, the story being read to us nights in his studio.) “That’s all bluff, that talk of his of visiting in those big houses out there. All he does is to dress up every night as though he were going to a ball, and walk out that way and moon around. Well, listen. Here’s the idea. We’ll go over to Mermod & Jaccards to-morrow and get a few sheets of their best monogrammed paper, sample sheets. Then we’ll get up a letter and sign it with the most romantic name we can think of—Juanita or Cyrene or Doris—and explain who she is, the daughter of a millionaire living out there, and that she’s been strictly brought up but that in spite of all that she’s seen his name in the paper at the bottom of his pictures and wants to meet him, see? Then we’ll have her suggest that he come out to the west gate of, say, Portland Place at seven o’clock and meet her. We’ll have her describe herself, see, young and beautiful, and some attractive costume she’s to wear, and we’ll kill him. He’ll fall hard. Then we’ll happen by there at the exact time when he’s waiting, and detain him, urge him to come into the park with us or to dinner. We’ll look our worst so he’ll be ashamed of us. He’ll squirm and get wild, but we’ll hang on and spoil the date for him, see? We’ll insist in the letter that he must be alone, see, because she’s timid and afraid of being recognized. My God, he’ll be crazy! He’ll think we’ve ruined his life—oh, ho, ho!” and he fairly writhed with inward joy.
The thing worked. It was cruel in its way, but when has man ever grieved over the humorous ills of others? The paper was secured, the letter written by a friend of Peter’s in a nearby real estate office, after the most careful deliberation as to wording on our part. Extreme youth, beauty and a great mansion were all hinted at. The fascination of Dick as a romantic figure was touched upon. He would know her by a green silk scarf about her waist, for it was spring, the ideal season. Seven o’clock was the hour. She could give him only a moment or two then—but later—and she gave no address!
The letter was mailed in the West end, as was meet and proper, and in due season arrived at the office. Peter, working at the next easel, observed him, as he told me, out of the corner of his eye.
“You should have seen him, Dreiser,” he exclaimed, hunting me up about an hour after the letter arrived. “Oh, ho! Say, you know I believe he thinks it’s the real thing. It seemed to make him a little sick. He tried to appear nonchalant, but a little later he got his hat and went out, over to Deck’s,” a nearby saloon, “for a drink, for I followed him. He’s all fussed up. Wait’ll we heave into view that night! I’m going to get myself up like a joke, a hobo. I’ll disgrace him. Oh, Lord, he’ll be crazy! He’ll think we’ve ruined his life, scared her off. There’s no address. He can’t do a thing. Oh, ho, ho, ho!”
On the appointed day—and it was a delicious afternoon and evening, aflame with sun and in May—Dick left off his work at three p. m., as Peter came and told me, and departed, and then we went to make our toilets. At six we met, took a car and stepped down not more than a short block from the point of meeting. I shall never forget the