Would You Rather...? The Big Book. Justin Heimberg
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Would you rather…
be able to change any lamp into Whoopi Goldberg
OR
vice-versa?
Things to consider: How would you use your powers?
Would you rather…
be able to see every human’s “expiration date”
OR
not?
Things to consider: Dude, that’s deep.
Would you rather…
have the ability to mute another person like a TV
OR
be able to change your voice to a Spanish voice-over?
Things to consider: vacationing in Madrid, nagging moms, petulant kids, petulant day-laborers
Would you rather…
have a vagina that can magically validate any parking pass
OR
that can comfortably hold all the contents of your purse? (Men: Read as “have a partner with…”)
Would you rather…
have a penis that comes in handy as a bottle opener
OR
a cigarette lighter?
Would you rather…
have retractable claws
OR
functional gills?
Things to consider: tree climbing, necking
Would you rather…
have corkscrew toenails OR have potato-peeling fingernails?
have silverware fingernails OR lockpick toenails?
a retractable toenail knife OR a retractable middle fingernail extender that accomplishes the effect of giving the finger?
Would you rather…
have an avatar that is an eagle-creature OR panther-creature?
wolf-creature OR spider-creature?
emu-creature OR Paula Poundstone-creature?
Would you rather…
have lemon-flavored hangnails
OR
have denim scabs?
Would you rather…
have the ability to will food to fall out of vending machines
OR
be born with a calculator on your ankle?
Would you rather…
be able to summon swarms of bugs
OR
be able to kill bugs with mini-lasers shot from your eyes?
Would you rather…
be able to spit with the force of a blow dart gun
OR
teleport the gas of your farts anywhere within a 100-foot radius?
Things to consider: killing birds, killing careers
Would you rather…
be able to eat unlimited food without gaining weight
OR
be able to eat free in any restaurant?
Would you rather…
have x-ray peripheral vision
OR
have the ability to hear anything exactly 147 feet away?
Would you rather…
be able to come in fourth in any race any time
OR
be able to perfectly forge anyone’s handwriting but only when writing the phrase “I want pudding!”
Things to consider: selling forged President Obama-signed photos (where he evidently wants everyone to know he wants pudding).
Would you rather…
have eyes that can make anyone you want fall in love with you
OR
have eyes that can turn your enemies to stone?
Would you rather…
have skin that lathers whenever you get wet
OR
have refrigerated pockets?
Things to consider: swimming, reaching into your pockets on hot days
Would you rather…
have the ability to communicate with poodles OR pit bulls?
kittens OR elephants?
socks OR bagels?
Would you rather…
be given life-long “butting in line” privileges
OR
life-long “profanity at any time” privileges?
Would you rather…
have an hour-long chat with your 15-year-old self
OR
with your 60-year-old self?
Things to consider: What would you say? What would you ask?
Would you rather…
be able to cure cases of malaria by holding your hand against the foreheads of the infirmed
OR
be able to telekinetically deliver titty-twisters?
Would you rather…
every time you sneeze, a $20 bill is hidden somewhere in your house
OR
every time you poop, a $100 bill is hidden somewhere inside the BM?
Would you rather…
have the ability to shrink down to one inch in height
OR
the ability to grow to 100 feet in height?
Would you rather…
have a tape measurer tongue
OR
be able to blow into your own body to make it a flotation device?