‘He’s a real, genuine freak that we have often thought we would like to introduce to the world, like two Victorian showmen, like P.T. Barnum and his fat friend who are just saying, “Look, you must come and observe this wonder of the world!”’

      Stephen

      ‘I mean, he is – I don’t know the politically correct term – a moron. A completely round, empty-headed, part-chimp Manc.’

      Ricky

      ‘In many regards we’ve often described him – and it’s appropriate – as being like some kind of real-life Homer Simpson.’

      Stephen

      ‘Yes.’

      Ricky

      ‘Homer is arrogant and yet an idiot. Smallminded, petty. But at his core a good person.’

      Stephen

      ‘And lovable. Absolutely lovable. He’s got child rights because he says the most awful things so naively and sweetly. Things like “Chinese people don’t age well ...” I go, ‘What?’ He goes “They don’t age well”’ He says, “You'll never see a thirty-five-year-old one.” I go, “What do you mean?” He went, “Well, they’re good-looking when they’re young but then they age overnight. They’re like a pear.” I mean, racism. Like, you know...’

      Ricky

      ‘It’s not racist. It’s just ignorant.’

      Stephen

      ‘It’s just ignorance, he thinks that. I went, “Well, some of the oldest people in the world are Chinese”. He went, “Are they though?” He thinks they might be lying. He thinks these old Chinese boys might be thirty-five but lying about their age ’cos they don’t age well. I mean, he’s an idiot. I mean, his theories, his outlook on life. He really would never go away if it wasn’t for his girlfriend.’

      Ricky

      ‘He’d’ve been happier in medieval times in a village where you didn’t travel beyond the local community. That would’ve been fine for him.’

      Stephen

      ‘Yeah, making up his own theories about the moon.’

      Ricky

      ‘Terrified because he doesn’t know where it goes during the day.’

      Stephen

      ‘Yeah, he’s quite remarkable. So I think we should broaden his outlook. And they say travel broadens the mind. So I just think it’d be amazing to send him round the world...’

      Ricky

      ‘Well, yeah. I mean, he’s travelled, but it’s only been to places like Majorca. Somewhere safe, a little two-week package holiday.’

      Stephen

      ‘If it wasn’t for his girlfriend, he wouldn’t do anything. His job at home is washing-up. He looks forward to that because that’s something he’s done. Often I call him and he says, “I’m washing-up” like it’s a big event. One day he’d started a diary and he did the washing-up and took his girlfriend’s shoes to the cobblers. Now I hadn’t heard the word “cobblers” in ages...’

      Ricky

      ‘I didn’t realise cobblers still existed. I thought they were only in fairytales.’

      Stephen

      ‘Yes, exactly. And she makes him go on holiday. When she books a holiday he goes, “Oh, I gotta go or I’d just stay at home alone”, and when he does that he forgets to eat. Once, right, someone at the radio station where he used to work sent us an email that Karl had sent by mistake, right? It was an email from his girlfriend. She was out that night and so, in detail, she was telling him where the quiche was in the fridge, cut it up in slices and she even put “eat” on it.’

      Ricky

      ‘Didn’t he try and put fish fingers in a toaster or something?’

      Stephen

      'Yeah, he did that once. No, sausages.’

      Ricky

      ‘Sausages.’

      Stephen

      ‘Yeah, she came home going, “What are you doing?” He’d forgot to drink so he’d had kidney stones. I mean, he is...’

      Ricky