SPOUSE-TRAP Over 200 Questions to Ask Before Saying "I do". Irfan Alli
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of life.
Personal growth:
With the support of a spouse you have the chance to further grow as a person. If both spouses grow in the partnership, it becomes a wonderful experience. Ask yourself if the person you are considering for marriage is the right person to make this happen. Here are some examples of the kinds of growth I am referring to.
Intimacy and affection: Intimacy with a spouse brings out aspects of your personality you might not know you have. To be able to say “I love you,” “You mean a lot to me,” “I really appreciate what you did for me today,” contributes to you being more human and humane.
Spiritual growth: If you and your wife belong to the same religion and share the same beliefs and values, marriage can help to strengthen your faith and practice. If you are weak in practicing certain aspects of your faith, often a spouse can help you correct deficiencies. If you have doubts or questions on certain areas of your religion, by debating and researching together, it can make your spiritual search and growth easier.
Career opportunities: I know of several couples where one person worked to support the family while the other completed their studies. Another way this works is when making career changes. In my own case when I married my wife she was in biochemistry. Once we had kids we made the decision that she would stay home with them, as we believe at least one parent, either the father or the mother, should always be there for the kids. With whatever free time my wife could find (as two of our kids are twins) she pursued her dream of becoming a children’s writer. I took care of the kids in the evenings and on weekends, so she could attend the courses, seminars and conferences. I am happy to say she is now a successful author.
New experiences: If you are as fortunate as I am you could end up marrying someone from another culture, and from the other side of the world. This opens up a world of learning and experiences. New food, a different language, and opportunities for travel. But this might not be for everyone, as some can only be functional within their own culture and ethnicity. Decide what is best for you.
Financial security: Depending on your circumstances, living alone can be expensive. Living as a married couple makes economic sense and protects the security of both individuals. It makes economic and practical sense because it is a combining of resources, at the same time avoiding a duplication of expenses. It also minimizes financial worry. For example, if one spouse becomes sick or loses a job there is at least some income still coming in.
More free time: By sharing the workload, it is quite possible for both spouses to have personal time. Even though we have four kids, both me and my wife find time to write, do volunteer work, travel, and engage in personal development. Ensure the person you are considering for marriage will be a good team player, and will cater to the needs of the whole family.
Acceptance for who you are:
No one is perfect. When someone agrees to marry you, they must agree to marry you for your strengths and be willing to accommodate your weaknesses. Their mission in marriage should not be to make you a clone of themselves. Likewise, the person you accept (after knowing the nature of that person) has their own imperfections which you must also be willing to tolerate.
Husbands and wives should be like garments to each another. A garment is something that covers the body and protects it from the elements. At the same time it hides any deficiencies or figure flaws. By committing to marriage, be prepared to protect each other, for better or for worse, and to cover the imperfections of each other as you live together.
A garment also helps to beautify our bodies, or at least makes it more presentable, and complements our appearance. Likewise marriage is a complementary relationship. Husband and wife try to bring out the best in each other, and where there are faults, they try to over look them.
Knowing that someone accepts you and your limitations, gives you the opportunity to enjoy living, as well as allows you to focus on your strengths.
Children are raised in a secure and stable environment:
Eventually many couples want children. This is not to say that marriages without children are not successful or fulfilling. Many children find themselves living with parents who constantly fight. Such children experience emotional trauma and hardships, knowing there is nothing to stop one of the parents from picking up and moving on in the heat of an argument. This happens. Statistics show that these occurrences are on the increase. This is on top of the many children that live with a single parent, are in foster care, are adopted, or are refugees of war.
If you were a child again, would you want to be one of these children? Would you feel secure? Would you feel loved? A good marriage creates a secure environment to raise emotionally well-adjusted children. It also caters to the spiritual, moral and psychological growth of all family members. Would the person you are considering for marriage make a good parent? Will he or she be a good role model to your children? Will the two of you be able to work as a team in parenting? Would you want that person as your father or mother if you were a child again?
Keeping your expectations in mind, as well as the above comments, list ten qualities your spouse would need to have, to facilitate a happy and successful marriage.
Ten qualities your spouse would need to have are:
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SUMMARY
A good marriage should:
•Give greater purpose and meaning to your life.
•Allow you to share yourself with a spouse and children.
•Motivate you to improve yourself in all aspects of life.
•Enhance your peace of mind and happiness.
•Encourage personal growth.
•Facilitate spiritual growth.
•Open up a world for more learning and new experiences.
•Bring more security to your life.
•Include acceptance of who you are.
•Allow children to be raised in a peaceful and stable environment.
Ensure the person you are considering for marriage, will make it a good experience for both of you.
CHAPTER 2
FOUR THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE
With a general understanding of what marriage should do for you, and what you want from marriage, we can now explore what to look for in a spouse. The foundation of a happy marriage is laid when you select the right spouse. It is only natural that each person has their own shopping list for their ideal spouse. Nevertheless, after all is said and done, the following is what matters to most people:
Appearance and hygiene:
First, you should be comfortable with the appearance and grooming of your spouse. Should you not be, you might do what some do at the first signs of problems in the marriage; they start glancing at those with better looks. Equally important is the hygiene of the person. You would not want a spouse that smells and does not know how to keep themselves clean. However, keep in mind that a person’s appearance changes with time. A man can go bald, and grow a tummy. A woman might put on extra pounds, especially when pregnant. For a marriage to last for life it needs to be based on more than physical appearance. Appearance and hygiene should be balanced with three other important qualities.
The ability to provide for a family:
For some it is what a person owns that matters – a fast car, a large bank account,