Hi! My name is Buddy. I am a Beagle. Since I can read and write, I am no ordinary Beagle. I also am very fond of Mental Masturbation.

      Mental Masturbation, Dear Reader, is a form of anxiety relief not unlike the more pedestrian efforts of stroking either the male or female private parts, albeit devoid of any relief as it is the process, not the conclusion, that is important.

      Simply stated, Mental Masturbation afflicts my ever-wandering, always-worrying, exceedingly-addictive mind that works 24 hours per day, 365 days per year. I even can confirm that Mental Masturbation manages to continue spinning an extra day during leap year.

      The existence of my condition is as unforgettable as my schoolboy day-dreams of having “relations” with my twenty-something year young, smoking-hot French teacher, who bounced about the classroom surely aware of her impact on teenage boys…and possibly girls.

      Therefore, Dear Reader, I do not seek to discuss whether or not Mental Masturbation exists.

      I do, however, wish to discover the “why” about all sorts of topics swirling around my brain.

      This collection of missives, which I hope you will read (albeit I do not know why you would care so to do) and for which I beg you to pay, is my banal attempt to understand the “why” of life. Whether I am discussing my adventures or thinking about meaningless things, I hope you find my words interesting, fun, thought-provoking or, well, you bought the book so at that point my hopes alredy have been achieved, i.e. I made money to buy more treats!

      Oh yes, if anyone has a cure for Mental Masturbation, I would be most grateful with any elixir that would speed me towards enlightenment.

      Hugs and Kisses,

      Buddy

       [email protected]

      Buddy’s Blog – Never easy to find good help…

      I just realised, with great disappointment, that my publisher has not been posting my blogs!! Jeez Louise!!! I threw a bit of a tantrum, gave my publisher a bit of Beagle attitude, wagged my tail a lot….

      Et voila, I am back in business!

      I have some important updates…well, important to me…I hope you will find these little tidbits interesting.

      First, my parents left me alone a few hours a day, everyday last week. They were participating in something called “Restaurant Week”. They returned late in the afternoon or evening with all sorts of yummy food and wine smells on their breath, clothing and the very air through which they traversed! I felt cheated! I was upset! Why didn’t they take me? Yes, I knew they were going out when they gave me my bacon treats, but arriving at home still smelling of food and wine is just unfair and flat-out torture!!!

      Next, talking about smell, I think Mummy was sick. She has this smell…. je ne sais quoi? I do not like. They went out a couple of times – nothing to do with food and wine – and returned home smelling like my vet. I do not think that is a good thing because I only see my vet when he has to stick some metal in me – they call it a needle, I call it ouch – or I am not feeling well. She seems fine….Daddy seems distracted…he smells like he is worried. Oh well….I shall try not to misbehave for a few hours to make Daddy happier.

      Another new experience for me is the USA President election news. I have been following CNN and FoxNews almost everyday, and I really like Donald Trump. He is interesting and funny in a silly way. I wonder if he can hear the words coming out of his mouth because I think he really believes some of the crazy things he says and he never offers apologies even when he is rude, i.e. the “blood” comment about one of the lady reporters was a bit OTT. He looks old, and I think he has a hearing problem like my Grandpapa. Mental Masturbation - I like the fact he says what he thinks, does not have a “filter” and, well, some of the racist and sexist words he says are just that… words. Human Beings should relax a little bit. Daddy thinks this election is entertaining and that someone who likes to hide email named Hillary, sadly, will win. Mummy is not interested with anything to do with ‘politics’. Me? I like THE Donald’s hair, kinda reminds me of that little fuzzy barking dog in my estate…a lot of noise, no usefulness and no action.

      By the way, those talking heads speak too loud and too fast! Why do they talk over each other? You know English is not my first language…. Wait, what is the word for dog language? Not BS…the wiki word….let me check. Ah Doggere!

      Sorry, I got distracted (again). Oh my, there is all this foodporn on my Twitter. It makes me hungry! Hey, don’t judge me! I am a Beagle. I eat, I pee, I poop, I sleep, I Mental Masturbate…what’s your excuse!?

      Back to important updates. Yes, I am all over the pitch. After all, I am a Beagle!

      So, Mummy was conspiring – I do not know what that means but it sounds smart – with my friend, the vacuum cleaning lady. They were yapping away while I fell deeply into Mental Masturbation about that business with Mummy’s sick smell. I heard them giggle (very loud Human Beings), then they looked over at me with the smile I am told says “Ya know what I mean?”

      Of course you do not know what I mean!!! You cannot see what I am looking at and you cannot feel the vibration oozing out of their pores…. Anyway, they were saying I am good looking and adorable. Like they always do! Mummy loves me! Daddy loves me! Everybody in my neighborhood loves me except the fuzzy barking dog, the

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