Trapped In Between. Marilyn Elaine Lundberg Lundberg
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I had my first panic attack in the school lunchroom; I didn’t know what it was at the time, but learned the name panic attack later in life. I was sitting in the lunchroom with a few acquaintances, and out of nowhere some people started pounding their fists on the lunchroom tables, and then everyone joined in. The sound was deafening! Someone started to chant happy birthday to the beat of the pounding, and it was thunderous to my ears. I was in the middle of the lunchroom and I felt trapped, and the blush in my face rose up and someone yelled, “It’s her birthday,” as they pointed to me. At that moment I felt like I was in a dangerous situation, my heart started to pound real hard, I was sweating, trembling, got a sick stomach, dizzy and a feeling of unreality came over me. My whole body felt as if it were whirling out of control. I had the thought that I was going to die if I didn’t get out of that lunchroom.
I ran from the cafeteria and sought refuge in a bathroom stall, with the door securely locked. I didn’t know what had happened inside of me, but I felt my body had just betrayed me. Seldom did I return to the lunchroom, and when I did revisit, I sat at the end of a table close to the door where I had a quick escape route. I told myself that I needed to be in control, and never let that thing happen to me again.
I didn’t buy hot lunches anymore. Instead I ate my bag lunches in the lavatory stall for my safety. I was fearful that it would happen again, and I associated the lunchroom, eating and being cornered by people with that fearful episode. That body explosion in the cafeteria was horrifying, and I would do whatever it took to never experience another one in my lifetime.
Due to the terror of the panic attacks, oftentimes I didn’t feel there was a safe place to eat, so I began skipping meals. Sometimes I chose to not eat all day. There was something very powerful about not eating, because I had control over what would go into my mouth or NOT.
I also had a friend that asked me if I had ever been thin. I was probably about 105 pounds and five foot three so I was in no way heavy, but this girl thought I was obese. I am guessing this gal weighed about seventy pounds soaking wet. She was skin and bones with no curves at all, kind of like a stick. She could nibble on a Butterfinger candy bar all day long, and be absolutely stuffed. I began to question the way I looked, and thought maybe she was right, maybe I was too fat. I decided to lose some weight and suffered slightly with anorexia.
I probably lost ten pounds or so, but it was peculiar because everyone said I looked better. So I received encouragement from others when I lost weight even though I didn’t need to. The real problem for me was the fear of panic attacks, and as a result I skipped lots of meals and lost weight and was praised. With panic attacks you feel that you have no control in your life, but with anorexia you gain control, because you choose when and if you will put food in your mouth. It was crazy logic, but I wanted to have control somewhere in my chaotic life. If I control the amount of food that I eat at home, and in the lunchroom, or if I don’t eat food at all, I then had control over something important in my tumultuous life.
Eating at a restaurant was another big problem for me which occurred every Sunday after church, or if my parents had company over, but that was rare. I would oftentimes use the excuse that I wasn’t hungry, but in fact I was generally starved. I skipped lots of meals just to not be seated at the table with other people. In the back of my mind I knew that at any minute another panic attack might be looming, and I wanted to be ready to run for the hills.
There was also another weird feeling that would occasionally come over me during this period of my life. It was a dreamlike state mainly at night, but sometimes during the day. It often happened as I was venturing out on my dangerous walks at night, or when I was in the car in the evening. The best way to explain this experience is to say that my body would all of a sudden not feel real, and I would ask myself if this was a dream or is it real, a dream or is it real, over and over again. It would last for a few minutes, and then I would snap out of it. When this queer feeling came over me, I would freeze, because it was very scary, and I felt like I was losing my mind. There never seemed to be a reason why this experience appeared, it just showed up whenever. I wondered if Mom ever had this happen to her.
Another concern was when people watched me, it made me very uncomfortable. I felt judged and nervous when other people would look at me. There had been so many years of Bucky beaver remarks, and teasing about blushing that I panicked in social situations for no good reason, because I was nervous about a possible insult, or panic attack coming my way. I didn’t like people to watch me or look at me, ever.
Looking back, I wish that I would have gone to the school counselor or pastor, and told him or her everything that was going on inside of my mind and body. If I would have shared about my depression or crazy thoughts about being a prostitute, maybe someone could have understood and helped me. I just had a strong feeling that I was different from everyone else around me.
I guess I had a fear that the counselor would label me as crazy, and so I chose to keep all my business secret. Maybe I was walking down the same road as my mom, I didn’t know what was going on with me, but I knew I needed someone to help me figure it out.
Another situation that I was dealing with at this time was a TMJ problem. When I was sleeping I would clench my teeth together all night long. The nightmares caused this problem and the orthodontist made me a mouthpiece to keep my teeth from touching, but I would bite right through the plastic and he repeatedly had to make me a new one. In the morning it was impossible to open my mouth, and I was unable to eat solid food, but I could usually drink through a straw. The muscles in my jaws ached all the time and on a few occasions my jaws locked up and I had extreme pain. I also found myself automatically clenching my jaws during the day when I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed, which was most of the time.
I also experienced severe pain in my abdomen on a monthly basis. My monthly cycle was not at all regular, but when it did come, it came with a vengeance! The pain in my stomach was so severe; it brought me to my knees with tears. My cycle would last a very long time and was extremely heavy. I again wondered if other girls had this over the top, unbearable pain like me, but I never knew for sure.
My orthodontist was doing a great job on my teeth, and in the eleventh and twelfth grade I began to have a few good days. My teeth were getting straighter, and I was feeling prettier. Occasionally the boys would notice me in a good way, which was refreshing. All the problems were fluid, and could change from good to bad in an instant. I could be a little bit happy and then very disturbed the next minute.
Sports had such a wonderful impact in my life while I was in high school. There wasn’t a large selection of sports for girls back then, but they did offer badminton and tennis for us. I was on the traveling badminton team, and I was usually in the number one or two singles spot for our school. I fortunately was able to focus totally on the sport I was playing, and never experienced any panic attacks during the badminton matches, but dealing with people before and after the match was difficult for me. It was easier for me to deal with people one-on-one, but a group setting made me very nervous. Playing sports helped me to feel so much better about myself, and raised my self-esteem. I was so very fortunate to have had sports in my life.
In the eleventh grade I met a boy at church that I thought I would like to get to know. My teeth were now straight, but I was still wearing the goofy braces. Believe it or not, I got up my courage one day and asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance at high school, and he said yes. I had fun and we continued seeing each other through the eleventh and twelfth grade. He was the only boy I ever dated. Getting to know him was rather difficult because his parents were very strict, we could see each other twice during the week and if we went to a church function that counted as one of our dates. One outing could be no more than five hours, and the other get-together was a maximum of one and one-half hours. We mainly got to know each other on the telephone.
He was a loner like me and we seemed to hit it off quite well. It was kind of us two against the world sort of relationship. I had always dreamed of being married and I adored children. I saw a glimmer of hope that all these good things could happen to me. I imagined that once I graduated from high school, moved away from home and parents, got married, and had children, all my problems would go away and my life would be so much happier. I could maybe be like one of the joyful people that were all around me.
Going steady with my beau was uplifting