How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes. Will Cuppy
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The Chimpanzee • The Gorilla • The Orang-utan • The Gibbon • The Baboon • The Howling Monkey • The Lemur
THE CHIMPANZEE
THE CHIMPANZEE1 is found in Equatorial Africa and vaudeville. He is the brightest of the Anthropoid Apes because he is so classified by scientists with incomes over five thousand dollars. If the scientist places a banana in a box the Chimpanzee will go and get it and eat it. The Chimpanzee also likes hominy, lettuce, raspberries, weak tea, and black beetles. Chimpanzees are highly excitable and pertly web-footed. They are amusing but terribly shallow. They can be very trying. The love life of Chimpanzees is about what you might expect. When a Chimpanzee looks at another Chimp he does not see what we see. They frequently have twins. Male Chimpanzees are called Soko or Bam. Females are called Malapunga. Chimpanzee sweethearts say very little. They can say “Yes” and “No” and “Thank you very much.”2 They can count up to five. They are faithful within reason. In the Chimpanzee the hallux is opposable and the pollex is not. In Man it is just the other way round so it all comes out even. The Chimpanzee smokes, rides a bicycle and wears pants. His chief ambition is to play the Palace. The Chimpanzee has one-third enough brain and that’s something. Or is it?
1 Aristotle did not mention Chimps but they got along somehow.
2 What they really say is gak gak, ngak ngak and wha wha. Chimpanzees find these words sufficient for all practical purposes.
THE GORILLA
AFTER A CHIMP the Gorilla is a great relief. He is fierce and brutal and is not a mimic. He weighs 450 pounds and is named Bobby. Young Gorillas are friendly but they soon learn. When a banana is placed in a trick box within easy reach the Gorilla will bite the professor’s cousin. Guess what that proves. The Gorilla is becoming extinct but there are plenty of professors. In affairs of the heart the male Gorilla is slow but sure. He appears to be stolid and indifferent but that may be part of his system.1 Believe it or not he is shy. The Gorilla is an introvert. Married females and their children sleep in trees and the male sleeps on the ground. The meaning of this is unknown. The Gorilla could do with more brains. His corpus callosum is not very good but the hippocampus major is O.K. The hallux is fair. Gorillas like sugarcane, hay, watermelons, ragout of chicken, raw ham, dandelions, and lollypops. They are subject to inflammation of the gums. Female Gorillas are likely to bump into passing objects and have trouble with revolving doors. I am in favor of Gorillas. They live in Africa.2
1 The Gorilla is said to have hidden depths, but if they are so hidden, what good are they? He has small ears, generally a bad sign.
2 They have a nasty habit of biting shotguns.
THE ORANG-UTAN
ORANG-UTANS teach us that looks are not everything but darned near it.1 They look awful. Some Orang-utans have huge cheek pads and conspicuous laryngeal sacs. Others have worse. The hallux is undeveloped. The female is not so ugly but ugly enough. Both sexes brood a lot. Their prolonged spells of meditation appear to have no tangible results. Orangs often sleep on one arm and wake up with a cramp. They snore. Young Orangs who are permitted to develop their individualities turn out horribly. Young Orangs who are kicked and beaten into line also turn out horribly. The psychology of the Orang-utan has been thoroughly described by scientists from their observation of the Sea-urchin. Other facts have been gathered from the natives of Borneo and Sumatra who may have been talking about something else at the time. There is considerable doubt whether the Orang-utan is as dumb as he seems or dumber. He likes stewed apples, toast, cocoa and soap. Orang-utans have solved the problem of work. They do not work. They never worry. And yet they have wrinkles. So what’s the use?
1 About 93 per cent.
THE GIBBON
THOSE THIN long-waisted types with no head to speak of are generally Gibbons. Gibbons are our loudest Apes. Their peculiar cry is often described as hoo hoo hoo hoo and just as often as whopp whopp whopp whopp. Gibbons assemble in crowds and hoo or whopp until exhausted or shot. The natives of Cochin China, the Malay Archipelago and the Island of Hainan often have hoo or whopp madness. A noiseless Gibbon would be a godsend. There is an old saying that the Gibbon is at his best in the American Museum of Natural History.1 The female Wau-wau or Silvery Gibbon of Java is rather pretty for a Wau-wau. The Hoolock of Upper Assam cannot swim. Gibbons are noted for the number and variety of things they cannot do. It is believed that the Gibbon could be taught to swat flies. Gibbons live in the treetops. They swing from branch to branch by their arms with amazing speed. They are not going to fires. They are going nowhere in particular. Experiments with the Gibbon prove many interesting things about the Long-nosed Bandicoot. Gibbon authorities do not know whether the Gibbon is interested in sex. But you know and I know. There are no Apes in this country, thank goodness.2
1 Cf. Decline and Fall of the Gibbon.
2 Embalmed Gibbons are sometimes sold to country bumpkins as embalmed Pigmies. Why our rural population should prefer embalmed Pigmies to embalmed Gibbons offers an interesting problem in psychology.
THE BABOON
THE BABOON is entirely uncalled for. Some people like Baboons but something is wrong with such people. Baboons lose their tempers. There are more Baboons than you might think. The Baboon is not an Anthropoid Ape. He has a tail, though not a good one, and so he is a Lower Ape. In fact he is more of a Monkey. The Arabian Baboon, as the name implies, is found in Abyssinia. Baboons have highly colored ischial callosities. Scientists tell us that all animals who sit down a great deal have ischial callosities. That is a lie. The Mandrill is the worst, especially when going South. Baboons bark. It seems as though there would be no female Baboons but there are. The family life of the Baboon is known as hell on earth. The males grow meaner and stingier and the females fade at an early age. The children scream, stamp, roll on the ground and will not eat their Centipedes. Their parents are proud of them.1 The Sacred Baboon of the Egyptians was identified with Thoth, the god of literary criticism.2 He spent his time making Thothlike motions at the Sacred Ibis, another form of literary criticism. He is not yet extinct. Never call anyone a Baboon unless you are sure of your facts. Baboons have flat feet.
1 Young Baboons ride pick-a-back.
2 He is frequently pictured restoring the Udjat or Eye to Aah, the Moon God. Enormous numbers of Udjats have been found in Ancient Egyptian tombs. “The twin Udjats represent the Eye of the Sun and the Eye of the Moon.” – Sir E. A. Wallis Budge.