Hideous Faces, Beautiful Skulls. Mark McLaughlin
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Koala Kough Drops are eucalypti-licious! Australian nights can get mighty cold, and when Kippy Kangaroo gets a scratchy throat, he turns to Koala Kough Drops for oh-so-fast relief.
Oh, what a day! What a sunny, wonderful day! You skip down the sidewalk, happy as a big, goofy dog. Your bangs bounce up and down as you skip. Time to peek in on Widow Prim…
Up to her little yellow house you creep. Peek through every green-trimmed window, Little Perky. Now where’s that Widow? She has to be home—she never goes anywhere.
Oh, goody! The back door is unlocked. You creep into the Widow’s kitchen and—what’s this? Pots and pans are scattered everywhere. She’s making pudding! The greedy old thing! Whipping up a big batch of butterscotch pudding all for herself!
On the windowsill you spy a vial of pills. The Widow’s heart medicine! Quick as a bunny, you pop the pills into your hanky, grind them under your heel, and pour all the white powder into the sugar bowl.
Suddenly you hear the flush of a toilet. It’s funny to think that Widow Prim actually goes to the bathroom. You mix the powder into the sugar with your finger. Then you slink out of the kitchen, easing the back door shut behind you.
You pick up a sturdy twig and rattle it against a picket fence as you stroll down the street. What to do now? Suddenly, someone steps in front of you. Mr. Finkle! His face is as red as a beet. The veins look just like thick, pulsy nightcrawlers! Now you’re in for it, Little Perky!
“You awful child! You’ve ruined my garden!” Mr. Finkle’s hands clench and clench. “I’m going to spank your bottom, you little vandal!”
Mr. Finkle reaches out for you, then stops as a scream erupts from Widow Prim’s house. The back door flies open and out shoots Widow Prim, clutching at her chest. Her face sure looks funny. All pale and twisty. Mr. Finkle pushes you aside and runs to help the Widow.
Now the sky’s all full of words. That’s weird, ain’t it? They’re all backwards, but you can figure some of them out. Ronald something, Ingrid Pretty… The words are getting smaller. What’s a producer? Does he sell produce to Mr. Furgeson’s grocery store? Those words sure go by fast!
“Little Perky! Little Perky, come home this minute!”
Uh-oh, the show’s starting again and you’re in trouble deep. Why did you leave your roller skates on the stairs? Poor, poor Daddy. How come he’s not getting up? You skip out of the house and down the street—
Suddenly you stop. There’s Mr. Finkle, walking down the sidewalk. He’s turned from you, but you can tell it’s him ’cause his head is so big. The back of his head reminds you of a ripe melon! You check your back pocket—yep, you’ve got your slingshot handy. You find a big old rock, load up and let fly.
Gee. The inside of his head looks like a melon, too!
You’d better run, Little Perky! Run as fast as you can! Down the street, past Mr. Finkle’s house, past the school, the fire station (wouldn’t it be nice to slide down the pole?), Mr. Furgeson’s grocery store, the hardware store, the pet shop (too bad Daddy wouldn’t let you buy that talking bird…still, Daddy knows best!), the barber shop, oh, your feet barely touch the ground, you’re running so fast!
Oh no, Little Perky! You ran too far! You’ve actually left Smartville behind. And now—why, this won’t do! You’re wandering in a big smelly city (smells just like doggy doo) and is that your reflection in that pawnshop window?
No, no, no—that’s some greasy-haired baggy-pants, some no-good drifter, some boozy old has-been with a saggy booze face. The kind Daddy used to warn you about.
Better run back, Perky! Back to Smartville and all its wacky citizens. Back to Smartville, where every housewife wears her hair in a flip and every husband does important work in a big office. No one is homeless in Smartville. No one ever goes hungry. Oh, it’s good to be back.
Time to play in the treehouse!
You shimmy up the old oak behind the house and scoot into your little plywood hidey-hole. You love all your little treehouse treasures. Baseball cards, bugs stuck on pins, neat candy wrappers, an old squirrel skull, and—a bottle of whiskey? What’s that doing here? For a second the treehouse seems—Yucky. Cold. Like the inside of one of those metal boxes behind fancy restaurants. No, surely that’s not booze! That’s a bottle of Koala Kough Syrup! Kippy Kangaroo takes a swig whenever his throat gets a tricky tickle! Koala Kough Syrup—ask for it by name!
Oh, but what’s happening? The top of the treehouse is being lifted up! A Nice Officer looks down on you and smiles.
This must be a dream.
Yes, you must have fallen asleep in the treehouse. What an exciting dream! The Nice Officer takes you to the station and starts talking about The Show. He says he used to watch The Show back when he was a kid. He also says your old costars are dying off and thats pretty weird ’cause they’re scattered all over the country. Gee whiz!
Martha Fine (who’s that?) died of an overdose of heart medicine. Some people are so careless. Ronald Bain (that name rings a little bell) somehow broke his back while he was sleeping! Imagine that. Conrad Elmore (who’s that?) got his skull bashed in today while he was taking a shower. Well, most accidents do happen in the bathroom. They’ve left a message on Nancy Verrick’s answering machine—the Nice Officer reminds you that she’s the one who played Mrs. Finkle.
The Nice Officer tells you that Ingrid Pretty (that name rings a BIG bell) was the lucky one. She died peacefully in some nursing home just before this whole mess began.
The Nice Officer says, do you know anything? Sure, you know that vinegar and baking soda and modeling clay make a neat volcano!
He says he’s going to let you Sleep It Off. What does that mean? You’re already asleep! He leads you to a shadowy room with a nice soft cot.
“Little Perky! Come home this minute!”
You find yourself hiding in the attic, eating yummy, gooey chocolate chip cookies (snatched from the cookie jar!). Oh, they’re so good, so good. You like the attic—Mommy has all her old clothes up here and they smell like perfume.
Suddenly you remember—you’re in trouble on the double! Why did you get Mrs. Finkle all wet? Sure, she smokes an awful lot, but if you wanted to put out her cigarette, you should have filled that balloon with water—not gasoline! You’d better stay in the attic for a good long time, Little Perky!
You look out the window. From here you can see the Smartville Cemetery. Some of those graves look mighty fresh…
Listen!
What was that? A creaking door? Is it the boogeyman, Little Perky?
Listen to that soft padding on the stairs…
Listen to this soft voice in your head…
A shadow looms before you, but it’s not the boogeyman. It’s—it’s—
Why, it’s me! Your loving Mommy!
I’ve brought you a glass of milk, Little Perky. Nice and cold—just the thing to wash down those cookies. A little later, we’ll go down to the pet shop and buy that talking bird. Oh, I know Daddy said it would cause a lot of commotion, but Daddy can’t hear it from underground!
It’s so good to be with you again, Little Perky. I was alone for so long! Forgotten by my friends, my family (my out there family), even my fans. Just another sicky in that terrible nursing home. Trapped in a cancerous old body, wasting away.
I wrote to all my old co-stars but none of them wanted to visit. I couldn’t get in touch with you…Conrad was the one who called to tell me that—well, that your career was going poorly. The bastard (Oopsy! Pardon my French!)—he sounded so pleased.
Oh, I despised the whole slimy lot of them. They wouldn’t visit me and they wouldn’t help you. What’s a mother to do?
When I died and none of them came to the funeral…that