Barmy Britain - Bizarre and True Stories From Across the Nation. Jack Crossley
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Some changes needed to be made when The Dangerous Book for Boys was rewritten for the American market. Conkers don’t get a mention, but there’s something called ‘stickball’. You won’t find the laws of cricket, but there is the equally incomprehensible Navajo Code Talkers’ Dictionary. A section listing the Kings and Queens of England and Scotland has been replaced with The Most Valuable Players in Baseball.
The Times
In England we would call Former Prime Minister the Rt. Hon Sir John Major, KG, something of a cricket anorak. He unashamedly admits that if he knew he was going to die tonight he would still want to know the close-of-play scores. He says: ‘Cricket helped to bind the British Empire together.’
Clem Attlee used to get updates of county scores during Cabinet meetings.
The Times
In May 2007 it was reported that Filton Golf Club, near Bristol, had finally ended its 88-year war with Germany and Austria.
In 1919 they thought they would teach them a lesson for starting World War I and banned them from using their course. Now members have decided to let bygones be bygones and rescinded the ban.
Independent on Sunday
The £400,000 London Olympics logo provoked howls of protest and Guardian diarist Jon Henley reported: ‘If one more reader emails to tell us that the internet is buzzing with reports that it looks like Lisa Simpson performing an unmentionable act on Bill Clinton, we will scream.’
Guardian
Another critic said: ‘To me it represents two drunks trying to help each other up off the ground. Very British, indeed.’
Daily Telegraph
The Rev John Fairweather-Tall of Plymouth, Devon, wrote: ‘I saw the logo on your front page. Ought this not to have been on the back page, along with the other puzzles?’
Daily Telegraph
Wars raged and world leaders gathered at the G8 Summit, but British newspapers know what their readers want to know about: ‘Changing climate puts World Conker Championship Title in Danger’ was a Page One headline in the Daily Telegraph on Monday, 11 June 2007.
Daily Telegraph
Manchester United extended the car park at its training ground to accommodate players’oversized limos.
Independent on Sunday
Eddie the Eagle finished last in the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary and was hailed as ‘a very British kind of hero’. The Independent on Sunday produced some rules on just what it takes to win the affection of the British public and included:
At all costs don’t win. The longer ‘Tiger’ Tim Henman went without reaching a Wimbledon final the more we took him to our hearts.
Acquire underdog status. A classic case is cricketer Monty Panesar – wildly enthusiastic and only vaguely athletic. Every wicket Monty takes becomes its own joyful ‘would you believe it’ story.
Independent on Sunday
‘Plant was rooted to the spot.’
Football match report in the Littlehampton Gazette.
British newspapers and magazines do their best to maintain the myth that cricket is a gentleman’s game. The magazine Chap gives this advice for ‘keeping the gentleman’s game on a decent wicket: ‘When batting one should aim mainly to retain one’s dignity, particularly at the moment when your wicket is lost. The number of runs you score should be finely balanced so that you do not demoralise the opposition.’
Chap magazine
Foreign visitors to the sacred Lords cricket ground in London can buy an explanation of the game which says:
‘You have two sides. One out in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out – including the not outs – that’s the end of the game. Howzat!’
From a tea-towel bought at Lords
Leeds manager Eddie Gray: ‘It was always an uphill task for us and after they scored it was downhill all the way. It left us with a mountain to climb.’
Sun
A golf ball that stuck in the mouth of a lioness at Knowsley safari park has changed the rules of the game. The game’s governing body now says that any golfer who hits a ball into the mouth of a lioness should be allowed to drop another ball on the nearest spot that is not dangerous.
Sunday Times
BBC commentator Kenneth Wolstenholme became a national institution after uttering the most famous words in British sport. As England scored a last-minute fourth goal in their 1966 World Cup triumph over Germany, he announced: ‘They think it’s all over, it is now.’ The Sun seized the opportunity of recalling other famous sporting quotes:
‘Football isn’t a matter of life and death – it’s much more important than that.’ Bill Shankly, manager of Liverpool.
‘Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win.’ Soccer star Vinnie Jones.
‘For the benefit of those watching in black and white, Tottenham Hotspurs are playing in yellow.’ TV commentator John Motson.
‘Don’t tell those just coming in the result of this fantastic match – but let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal.’ TV commentator David Coleman.
Sun
‘Authorities are reluctant to ban bungee jumping in case they drive it underground.’
Radio 4, reported in a letter to the Guardian
Henry Longhurst used to say that golf needed only three rules: the player who won the last hole tees off first. The player furthest from the flag putts first. The player who wins stands the first round of drinks.
Letter to The Times.
‘Wimbledon has changed from being a genteel sports fortnight for the suburban middle classes to a coarse gladiatorial contest for the vulgar masses… but the tennis is better than ever. Buy earplugs.’ Philip Howard in The Times.
Philip recalled Wimbledon’s original official announcements, which included: ‘Please do not applaud a double fault.’
The Times
A rugby scrum is ‘essentially a boxing match for 16 people without the Queensbury rules. It is home to punching, gouging and testicle twisting. Not pretty.’
Guardian
A Leicester angler uses jelly babies as bait and says that cod like black ones and bass like green ones.
The Times
Falcon Rovers striker Gary Davenport, aged 27, of West Sussex, was banned from the penalty box after heading 14 own goals.
Sun
Somebody may well have said something similar before, but Hugh Muir quotes George Best as saying: ‘I spent 90% of my money on women, drink and fast cars. The rest I wasted.’
Guardian Diary
Women now make up to a fifth of all fans attending Premiership football matches – and they enjoy abusing the ref as much as men. They seem to enjoy the singing and the tribalism – and swearing is just as prevalent