Junkfood Sexlife. Jessamyn Violet
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my dad. I should start doing a college girls interview show.”
“Write up a treatment and I’ll shop it around,” Jimmy chimed in.
They went inside the garage-turned-studio behind Matt’s house. It was set up like a low-lit vintage parlor, centered around a couple of tall armchairs and a table with two old-fashioned mics in front of them.
Gerard looked nervously at the mics and cleared his throat.
Matt laughed. “Seems like we could use some drinks before getting started.”
He went immediately to the bar and poured up three tequilas neat, handed them out ceremoniously, then gestured for Gerard to take the guest seat. Jimmy tucked himself away in the leather office chair at the desk in the corner. Matt fiddled with his laptop in his host armchair and got everything set up.
When he was ready to roll, he reached over to pat Gerard on the back. The kid looked like he was going to bolt any moment. Frightened rabbit would frighten the rabbits running out of there like that.
“OK, Gerard. Drink up. And relax. Please. It really helps the mood. I’m going to ask you to get pretty graphic but just remember, she can’t sue you. This is what celebrities sign up for. Remember? And it won’t do anything to hurt her, regardless of what you’re thinking right now. All publicity is good publicity. All clichés are cliché for a reason, and that reason is inarguable: Truth. Right?” It looked like he was losing the kid even more. He decided to reach. “I’ve actually had quite a few celebrities become fans of the show after they were featured.”
“Really?” Gerard looked momentarily relieved.
“You gotta ease up, Gerard. They can’t touch you, it’s part of the 665th amendment of the New Constitution. Freedom of Social Media Act. You’re sharing your experiences and it just so happens they’re about a public figure. Alright? Are we done with the pep talk?”
“This is going to be good for both you and Kristina, Gerard,” Jimmy encouraged from his corner of the room. “You won’t live to regret it. C’mon. Don’t let us all down. Risks, Gerard. We have to take risks to get anywhere.”
“Risks?” Gerard echoed back.
“And… I’m pressing record… now.”
Gerard swallowed hard and nodded again. Matt hit the space bar on his laptop.
“Here we are, another night, and another sordid, steamy tale coming at you from the tell-all studio of your favorite podcast... ‘I Slept With Them First’.”
Music filled the air temporarily, the song of the show. Matt loved that little electric guitar riff his dad had helped him come up with. It never got old to him.
“Welcome back, folks. I’m Matt Bogart, happy to host the show here with our special guest, actor Gerard Vice, a handsome young man with a very big story... a close encounter of the sexual kind, with none other then your favorite alien from TMI’s Three Aliens and a Baby! Can you say hello and tell the public who it is that we’re discussing this evening, Gerard?”
“Hi, everybody. I’m Gerard and I’m here to talk about… Kristina Brightside.”
“Whew. I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait to hear this one. Kristina’s the sexiest alien by FAR on that show. And that’s saying a lot. I sure wouldn’t mind being their baby.”
“Yeah, I mean, she definitely looks good in green.”
“She sure does, the little nymph. And she’s about to premiere on the silver screen as Tabitha, the rock ‘n roll mystic in the acclaimed Turned Up! OK, alright. Let’s get right into this. Paint the picture for us, my friend. How exactly did it go down?”
Gerard settled in. “Well, it was about four years ago. I was in a “need a break from app dating” phase.”
“I know what you mean, sometimes it’s just too much... flesh shopping. Makes you dizzy.”
“Yeah. Sometimes I feel like it’s all too easy, and I need to go out into the wild to, like, hunt for my food, you know?” Gerard looked suddenly nervous. “I mean, I’m not a sexual predator or anything. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”
Matt gave him a wry grin. “It’s best if we just continue with the story. Defenses are always suspect.”
“No, really! You can edit that out, right? Ugh, OK. So what I decided to do was go to the best old-school match-making arena—”
“Yoga class?”
“Ha! Naw. A show. My ex’s favorite band was playing. I never really liked them, but I sure liked her, so I figured I’d do pretty well there.”
“Alright! I like your style, Gerard.”
“Yeah, so I head over to the Troubadour and get a few beers in me. The band is actually pretty good and I’m feeling balls-y, so I head up to the VIP area to sample the ‘top shelf’ selection, if you know what I mean...”
Matt laughed. “I’m picking up what you’re laying down, brother. Nothing finer than who can be found in the VIP section. Go on.”
“And there she is, Kristina, right before the aliens show even aired, looking like camera-ready sex-on-a-stick in a black dress. I just about died where I was standing. You know when someone’s so gorgeous it actually causes you to have a physical reaction? She’s that hot. And luckily for me, she was almost as drunk as she was hot.”
Matt felt the smile twist across his face. “Uh oh. We’ve entered another questionable territory, here. Just how drunk was she, Gerard?”
“Well, who knows. I was pretty drunk at that point, too. To be honest, she approached me. There’s no amount of liquid courage that would have gotten me to hit on someone that hot. She was keeping it together much better than me. I just assumed she was wasted because she came up to me and told me she liked my hair. Which really isn’t that cool. My hair, I mean. You know, it’s no big deal or anything. So I knew right then she was basically saying she wanted to hook up.”
“Wait a minute. I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to vouch for the fact that you’re a very good-looking guy, since our audience may not be familiar with you yet, but do you expect us to believe that Kristina Brightside actually threw herself at you? What band’s show was this, anyway?”
“Look, man, I was as shocked as you are. It was a Girls Push Girls show. Maybe it was all the crazy female punk rock energy in the air. Or maybe it was the lack of other options. There weren’t a ton of guys there.”
“Unbelievable. You’re a goddamn pick-up genius. So then what happened?”
“She asked if I wanted to come back to her place… Like she even had to ask. It was really cute. Turned out she lived just a few blocks away. She took off her heels and walked barefoot through the streets of West Hollywood. I was like, who is this chick? She seemed so confident and laid back, like she already had the world by the balls. Of course, I didn’t know she kinda did, yet. I just knew she had me by the balls. So we get to her place, and she basically pounces on me as soon as the door’s closed.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, here, it’s just… this story is a bit hard to swallow. Does this happen to you a lot? Stupidly hot girls throwing themselves at you? Or was she, like, blackout drunk?”
“Naw, look, I’m a lover, an actor, and a happy drunk, fortunately. I genuinely love people... Especially ladies. And I know how to be exactly who they want me to be. It’s like this weird gift that some actors have, this ability to be a perfect mirror to a situation.” He shrugged. “Not that I’m insincere. I just find that people, especially women, are comfortable with me a lot sooner than they’re comfortable with other people for no legit reason.”
“I’ve got to hang out with you more,” Matt said, surprised to find himself actually kind of in awe of a guest for the first time in his 348 shows. “So then,